A Lost Disney

A Lost Disney

A Story by Rossi Rich
"

Something I wanted to share.

"

A Lost Disney

 

 

Christmas morning is less than 48 hours away. It's December 23rd 2016 and I'm sitting on the deck of a 3,600K per night Bungalow at the Polynesian Resort in Walt Disney World. When I look ahead, I see the Magic Kingdom castle sitting across the water like a glass pyramid built of crystals. On my left there's the Grand Floridian resort that could be mistaken for the palace of a king. Behind me is nothing but white sand and palm trees. As if I was in a dream creating the perfect scene, I have my favorite childhood ride, Space Mountain, adding light to the water line. The only thing but me and a scenic treasure is the pattern of stars dispersed in the sky. Waves crashing against the dock eliminate complete silence  but only with complete focus can I make out the faint Christmas music playing from the center of the resort.

 

But as I look around and look at what seems like paradise, I struggle to relax and absorb the moment for what it's worth. I'm trying to figure out what's stopping me from feeling utter happiness when I'm finally at a place I aspired to be. It didn't take much effort to sort through the distress because I knew what was wrong. Even at a place where most people will never get the opportunity to be, I could feel a shadow suppressing what should be a stress less night.

 

The more I try to ignore it, the more it expands. The more I try to fill my mind with light, the more it spits back dark.

 

And as it grows, and as I fight, there's only one moment that cycles in my mind. The moment where I was stealing quarters out of my mom's laundry basket to scrounge up a couple dollars for the gas tank. And after an hour of scavenging and barely having enough to make it to the gas station and back, something happened that until now, I didn't realize would be one of the benchmark's to my life.

 

A new girl entered my life that would become much more than a pretty face to give a title. Knowing how things were at the time, she offered to give me gas money and help me out. She gave me a quick escape to the financial prison I was trapped in. It seems like a minuscule moment in time, but that was just the first thing she saved me from. Almost a year later, I was the senior starting Quarterback set to play in the high school's season opener in front of a sold out crowd. After a dismal performance and soul crushing loss, that same girl laid by my side all night in silence. Hour by hour she walked me away from the wall I felt like I was stuck to. When I woke up, I almost forgot that just 12 hours prior I had a carousel of knifes spinning in my stomach. A similar relief as to when I pulled away from the gas station knowing that I would be okay.

 

This story isn't about money or success. It's not about how I went from Walmart watches and passed down belts to Burberry and MCM. It's about something I didn't realize was evident until I got out of a 12 round boxing match with life. When I grew up it was almost like daily news hearing my mom stress consistently  about bills and taking care of the house. The way I watched stress pour out of her office as she calculated every bill through a dissected spread sheet, I began to assume money bought happiness. I was seeing my mom in a place I knew I never wanted my son to see me in. But with that said, I found out the hard way that corny cliches aren't just corny cliches. I heard money doesn't buy happiness but ignored it until I had all the money I could want and a shadow I couldn't shake. What I discovered is that behind every corny cliche, is a personal experience that taught one individual a life changing lesson they decided to convert  into a concise bundle of catchy words.

 

The problem with cliches is that they get spoken of so frequently, it's effortless to overlook the individual lessons behind them.

 

I hear them everyday, " Actions speak louder than words," " The grass isn't always greener on the other side," " You can't judge a book by its cover,". How can one find true meaning in anything that blends in so congruently as just another preaching from a loved one or quote from a popular book. The cliche, " you have to learn the hard way" is what reigns supreme to every other one on the list. Without someone going through a personal experience of their own that resembles a lesson behind the cliche, it's nearly impossible to base your decisions off a flowing sentence of words. The " hard way" really symbolizes one being forced to experience it their own way. That's what makes it hard. The fact that until somebody realizes it's too late or they've made a mistake, only then will they have belief in a overused cliche.

 

So as I sit and think about where I've been, what I've done, and where I'm at, I want to share a personal experience that I hope provides enough detail and depth to create immediate belief. I don't want another man to have to "'find out the hard way" that the cliche I'm speaking of is true. I hope that by the time I'm done transferring my thoughts into words, a man can walk away knowing he won't make the same mistake.

 

With every example and thought I provide, I'll let nothing derive from anything but brutal honesty. I wish I grew up in a world where the only thing prevalent was brutal honesty because taking a fact and adding a sugar coated shell doesn't do anything but create a temporary satisfaction for a long term abrupt meeting with reality.

 

So with brutal honesty, I want to talk about the girl who gave me gas money, and the girl who laid by my side in silence. Out of all the cliche's I've heard, the one I paid the least attention to was "the one that got away". Ironically, the most overlooked things seem to have the most significance and that's exactly what I found in "the one that got away ". I've always been popular, I've always had friends, I've always had little difficulty meeting new girls, and I've never thought somebody could leave my life I couldn't replace.

But I found that when life gives provides a blessing, it should be cherished it as if it was the last blessing to be given.

 

Before anyone could understand the magnitude of " the one that got away", I feel as though they need to meet who I let slip out of my life

 

In my pursuit of everything I ever wanted, I lost the only thing I needed.

 

She came into my life by accident. When I was young, immature, and carried a chip on my shoulder that steered my every direction. I never thought she would be more than another girl that entered and exited my life in a total time frame of no longer than two weeks until I found myself feeling ways i didn't know were possible.

 

What's peculiar about her is that by no means is she the girl I would've imagined myself falling in love with. She had an overwhelming attitude I couldn't describe with the assistance of today's best authors . I mean when she was in "'one of those moods" where her attitude reached its greatest peaks, she could turn Mother Theresa into the Grinch that stole Christmas. And if there was any attempt to discover the purpose behind her short words and piercing attitude, one could have better luck winning the lottery. It would be no exaggeration to say a remake of the titanic could feature her heart as the glacier that gives the ship it's final blow.

 

So how could the one that got away be somebody with an attitude so overwhelming?

 

Because every time that glacier rose a little too high, or got a little too cold. I knew exactly how to warm it up or cruise right through it... without ever crashing. Sometimes it got a little close, sometimes I walked away with battle wounds, but as we grew closer I always knew how to handle it. For the two years we were together there wasn't a locked door she put up I didn't have the key to unlock.

 

That is until now. For the very first time, as I seem to have the answers for everybody else's problems, I forgot how to solve the only problem that mattered. I no longer know what to say or what to do as I once did. For the first time I feel lost going to the person who was my compass for so many journeys. It was an un replicable feeling having the ability to lower her guard when everyone else failed with endless attempts.  Having the solution to her every problem gave me the confidence to promise she'd never have to worry. I grew to love witnessing how many people misunderstood her, as I no longer could relate. I was granted access to a place most people didn't know existed.

 

 

& The attitude wasn't her only deterrent. That was just a welcome sign to the maximum security wall she had up to guard her trust. After passing the entrance & getting a chance to see the wall first hand, I found myself stuck in a pitiful rotation of failed attempts to break through. For what seemed like an eternity , i tried climbing the wall just to fall, I tried breaking in just to waste effort, and above all I tried going around to discover there was no secret entrance. All I witnessed was first hand failure after failure, time after time. I was nearly ready to beg for her to trust me knowing that I would never let her down but even that seemed pointless. I understood the annoying predicament I was in and that she had no intention of trusting anyone. So I momentarily reserved my efforts and gave up on getting in. I continued to fall for her regardless of how much trust she was willing to grant me. It was by no means easy and I made her aware of my ever growing frustration but never for a moment did we stop falling for each other. Then as if there was an open door I had been blind to the entire time, one day I walked right in. The fence was down, there was no guard, there was no arctic attitude, there was no resistance. I found myself with the burden of establishing whether or not I was dreaming. A sweet, innocent, passionate girl sat In Front of me. A girl who's heart was warmer than the Florida water I'm currently sitting above. I can't pinpoint the exact day when there was no more wall, but I remember what it felt like being on the side for the first time. After so many days  where effort seemed wasted, it all became worth it. I remember how important I felt being able to see her true colors without any attempt to be somebody she wasn't. I got the privilege to see the real her. The her she spent a lifetime hiding from everybody else. It was real feelings and genuine thoughts. Something more rare than a black and white television in today's society. It brings pain to say at some point in this story, way down the road, I lost sight of how special it was to be inside that wall for the first time. But looking back & moving forward, it was a privilege in my life that I shouldn't of taken for granted.

 

I've gained the trust of dozens of people who have entered my life. I've also had several meaningless girls in confide their trust in me. But being inside her wall was an unmatchable, one of a kind real that I've never seen anything close to. Everytime she told me a story, or shared a secret, every time she said how she felt or what she thought, there was no pause to question the legitimacy of what she said. The world that exists today is one of second thinking everything that's seen and heard because so much fraudulent nonsense floods society. But with her, the trust was as genuine the love from a mother to a son. It was like she knew I loved her for who she was so she gave up pretending to be anybody but the person she was born to be. The first time she was let me see her flaws, I realized that she was flawless.

 

The best way to describe it is like the world she knew saw her with make up and I was the only one got to see her natural beauty.

 

As I sit here.. I think about all the people I've met, & how rare it is to have a relationship

with unquestioned trust & loyalty.

 

We had no hesitation. Every twist, every turn I knew she had me back because I knew her better then I knew myself.

 

And trust wasn't the only thing that separated her from the other girls who spent time in my life.

 

She was naturally the most beautiful girl in the world.

 

I promised to not sugar coat anything and I have no desire to. With a bold statement like that, I'm aware it requires a series of supporting arguments and examples to be accepted true.

 

So did she have the biggest b***s in the world ? No. The Nicest butt? No. ( Even tho it was close ) The prettiest smile? No. The Prettiest eyes? No. ( They were brown)

 

Was she a model ? No. Was she prettier than all the decked out girls in Hollywood who starred on the big screen ? No

 

The bottom line is there's also going to be somebody out there who's a little skinnier, has a little nicer body, is wearing a little more make

Up. Somebody with a little better cover that to the blind public can seem more attractive.

 

But let me support why & how, to me... she's naturally the prettiest girl in the world.

 

Thinking of every girl I've ever been with, the only one I ever looked over in the middle of the night, with her eyes closed, and felt like I was lucky...  Was her.

 

It wasn't at the party when every girl was in their best outfit where she stood out... It was in her room before the party when she was putting on her make up where she could beat every girl around.

 

It was the way she got excited to see her dog when she came home & glowed like a child on a Christmas.

 

It was the way she cried and still looked beautiful.

 

It was the way she fought with her mom and still looked adorable regardless of how angry she was.

 

It was the way she did chores and the whole time I wanted to just interrupt her & kiss her.

 

It was the way she effortlessly shined when the lights were off that made her the prettiest girl I've ever met.

 

It was the way that everything she did seemed like it could never be replicated by anybody else that put her above every girl around.   

 

I promise you, take any girl in the world , catch her on a normal day, and hands down my girl would've won.

 

So now that you understand her attitude, the way she protected her heart, how beautiful she was, I hope it's less difficult to see how I came to the conclusion that she's the one that got away. Thought the story doesn't end just yet.

 

There's 3 ways I've felt when it comes to trusting somebody.

 

Option #1)

 

If a man was to stand at the top of the Empire State Building, lean over the edge, and look down... would he be scared ? I would say the majority would reply with yes.  

 

Option #2)

 

If he stood at the top of the Empire State Building, leaned over the edge, and stared at a series of safety nets that hung every  couple stories all the way to the first floor, would he be scared ? Maybe. Maybe not. He could trust the safety net and not care if he fell. Then at the same time he could still be terrified of the nets breaking, think it's too much of a risk, and decide it's just as bad as option #1. So that's a fairly even toss up. 50/50 either way for option #2.

 

Option #3)

 

Now if he stood on top of the Empire State Building, leaned over the edge, and saw that the street was only a couple feet away. And on the street was a bounce house ready to make his landing as soft as possible... Would he be scared ? I'd say almost without doubt the majority would say No. Fear is eliminated with the elimination of height and if he's scared about the impacting of falling, the soft landing is in place to solve that problem as well.

 

I went through a lot of challenging confrontations with adversity in my childhood. The effect of that was a stigma in my mind where lending out my trust felt as dangerous as option #1. I was absolutely frightened and didn't think it was worth the risk. I'd rather jump off the Empire State Building with no safety net than experience the constant disappointment and pain I was used to feeling from seeing people jump in and out of my life..

 

Having trust issues was not a problem only I was burdened with but my trust issues were as bad as anyone's.

 

However, through the years I met a handful of people who seemed different than the rest, and I would tell them things about my past and trust them sparingly with my thoughts and feelings. I felt I was living my life and trusting certain people felt like option #2. Nothing more than a toss up. I was hoping and assuming that I would be safe but aware of the possibility that safety nets could snap and I could end up with the same final result as option #1.

 

Then for one time and one time only in my life, did trusting someone feel like option #3.

 

Completely Safe.

 

For the entirety of my 2 year relationship with her I felt no risk. I felt like no matter what life threw at me, I had a net to catch me, pick me up, and help me see that everything was okay.

 

I never needed that nor wanted it. Having somebody there for my every step incase I slipped up wasn't my request. I always wanted to make my own success independently and as a write this I'm at a place where I have. But for awhile, I had somebody who believed in me for everything I did. A true belief in my dreams, the man I was, and the man I wanted to be. If I had pledged to become an astronaut... she'd give me a list of the planets she wanted pictures of while i traveled through space.

 

Belief is just as rare as trust. People throw around a nonexistent belief just as frequently as they make false claims for loyalty. Unfortunately, the world isn't a utopia & people aren't born with honest intentions. I've had peers wish for my success, just to anticipate my failure. It's not surprising when I realized that the majority of society accepts mediocracy but it shows a flaw in humanity. Society hates those who are different because it makes the normal, traditional population uncomfortable.  But she wasn't a representation of society & that wasn't her. She was comfortable with who I was and wanted to see me win more than I wanted to win. She wanted me to succeed in everything I did.  

 

For the first time, I didn’t have to portray a small fragment of emotions. She enabled me to be my true self and reveal how I felt at all times. Instead of hiding fear and sadness as I did to my peers and society, I told her why I was scared and she encouraged me to overcome those faults.

 

And that made it so effortless to believe in her. I believed she'd never do me wrong and  I told her about every aspect of my life . Every fear, every worry, and every challenge I overcame.

 

I faced the irony of being able to tell her things I couldn't even tell myself.

 

At that point, she became a piece of me. When I began to trust her to that extent... Our lives merged together into one. If she was having a bad day, then my day was ruined until hers got better. If she was cold, then I was getting both of us North Faces to warm us up. If she was mad, I was trying to figure out who was responsible and deserved to be held accountable.

 

We became best friends. I felt like my life before her was nothing but an incomplete puzzle. When she came into my life the missing piece was connected and the picture became clear.

 

She made me a better me. I wanted to be rich to spoil her. I wanted to be the funniest guy in the world so nobody could make her laugh harder. I wanted to be the strongest guy alive so nobody could ever hold her as tight as I was holding her. She physically, emotionally, and mentally completed me.

 

I've had one night stands & I've been with the same girls multiple times. Though no matter who, where, & when I was with another girl... I've never felt anything comparable to how I felt when I was with her.

 

And when I think about that , the idea that she's the one that got away feels realer than ever.

 

There will always be another girl. Another date. Somebody else I'll learn to trust. But there will never be another her. And knowing that makes me feel like I lost a piece of me that I'll never get back.

 

When I think about loss, I think back to a couple months ago one when of my best friends overdosed. And even tho he's gone... when I think about him, it feels like he's right here with me. It's like he left a piece of himself with me even tho I lost the chance to see him on a daily basis. Though I know he's always watching over me because he left that piece of himself in my heart. But when it comes to her, it's like she took a piece of me away that I'll never get back. And not only did I lose seeing her and having her in my life, I lost apart of myself.

 

And that's why no matter how nice the watch is, how expensive the trip is, how clear the water looks at the resort, I carry around a shadow I can't shake.

 

I think about the times we were together and how broke I was. I remember for Christmas I spent all my money to get her a Michael Khors bag she wanted but felt like it wasn't enough, so I spent the week trying to figure out how I could do more. One day I walked into school and heard one of the ladies in the main office say that there was a brand new pair of uggs in the lost & found. So I went & asked a girl who was a friend of mine to go to the office and claim the lost uggs. I asked if she would give them to me because i needed them as a Christmas gift. By the end of the day, I had the uggs in my hands. I never told her how I got them but she had no idea how bad I wanted to make her happy.

 

I remember how tight I was on cash, and anytime I was in need and had no way to pay for something, she was there offering the little bit she had. To us, dates were red box and the diner. Now I have a 2 bedroom condo with a loft and spend more money by accident then I ever spent on her. 1,500$ in the mall for designer clothes I can't even pronounce, trips on the weekends just because, I bought a deep tissue massage membership just for fun. and what's crazy is I would trade every shirt, belt, chain, watch, vacation, pair of shoes, 5 star meal. Every single item. I would Trade it all to have just enough money on my debit card to get gas & to have her in the passenger seat sitting next to me. Money doesn't make you feel complete. The girl laying next to you all night in silence telling you it will be okay does. After it was too late and I was already starting to lose her, I offered to take her anywhere she wanted. Hawaii. Italy. I didn't care. I just wanted to give to her what I felt like I owed her. What she deserved.

 

The hardest part about realizing she was the one who got away, was I didn't know she was un replaceable until she was gone. Until it was too late.

 

Right now I'm looking around and it's as clear as the stars above me that there's no place in the world that's like Disney World. No amusement park is cleaner. No vacation resort has more things to do. No environment is as welcoming to people of all ages. No place has friendlier people waiting to offer you the same experience. Most importantly, there's no home to endless possibility, hope and imagination like Disney.

 

Disney can't be matched, imitated, or replaced.

 

That's how she was to me. She was my Disney.

 

And As I sit in one of the most magical places in the world... I realized I lost my Disney. I lost my magic.

 

Yeah I'll be happy at other places, just like a family would be happy with a trip to Six Flags or to Hershey Park. But without experiencing Disney, there is no comparison. It does what it's competition couldn't dream of doing. And she did what girls couldn't dream of doing. It didn't matter where I was, if we were together it felt like home. Some may never go to Disney. Some may never find true love. But when in possession of the best, don't wonder about the rest.

 

The moment I lost sight of what I had, it was never the same. I never had a love like that before. For the longest time I cherished it like I couldn't live without it. The moment I took it for granted, thought I could find it somewhere else, thought I was better than I was, it was gone. We were both young and we both made mistakes but it was the moment I lost sight of what mattered most where I lost the one thing that always gave me the most hope. After a lot of back & forth, I was the one who said we should take a break. And when I hurt her, there was somebody waiting to make her feel special. The way I should've been making her feel everyday and should still be making her feel today.  

 

We were young when we met, and when you fall in love young, you either grow up together or grow apart from each other.

 

I'm not sure what the future holds but my past taught me a lesson I wanted to share. Cliche's aren't just catchy words, they're real lessons that somebody had to learn. Take the opportunity to prevent a mistake and listen. If I could do it all over again, I would go back to the first time she put her guard down and trusted me. I would take the excitement I had and the special feeling I felt, and would hold on to it every day. I would never forget how lucky I was to have something realer than real.

 

In pursuit of everything I ever wanted, I lost the only thing I needed. I hope I'm the last person that ever has to say that.

 

  • Rossi Rich

 

 

© 2017 Rossi Rich


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Added on June 14, 2017
Last Updated on June 14, 2017
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Author

Rossi Rich
Rossi Rich

charleston, SC



About
Going by the name Rossi Rich in honor of a close friend that passed away Cory Rossi, who was a big believer in all my work and was a writer himself. Have been writing stories and songs all my life.. more..