I Could Have

this poem covers the life of myself and the projection of other people and their lives into the world that I see.

I could have done better,
I could have done better,
Better than I had,
I could have tried harder,
But I didn't.

I could have held you in my arms,
Wiped away your tears,
Eased your sobs.
But I didn't.

I could have walked with you,
I could have talked with you,
Baby, we could have taken the world,
Together,
But I didn't.

I could have swallowed my fears,
Dried my tears,
Held my own heart.
Maybe then, just then,
You'd have been here.
But I didn't.

I could have shown you to the world,
Wide eyed and button nosed,
With tiny hands and toes,
I could have saved you.
I could have done better,
I could have been twice the person,
I used to be,
Thrice the person I was.
But I wasn't.

I could have done better,
At least done my duty,
Not pushing drugs,
Into my system and yours,
Or abusing and using my guilt,
to excuse myself from my responsibilities.
I could have done better.
I could HAVE done better.

I should have done better,
Protected you from the world,
Instead, the world,
It protected you, from me.

I should have done better,
At least then,
Even if I lost you again,
My guilt would not be fair.
Right now I'm understanding my share. But.

I should have done better,
I should have at least cared!
Cared enough to realise,
That was I was doing,
Was beyond repair.

I should have cried,
Not for him, for you.
I never really lost two that day,
Just you!
I should have known.
I should have known.

I should have known,
That guilt hurts more,
Grief hurts,
But guilt means it's my fault.
Guilt means I know.
I should have done more.

I could have done better.
We could have been happy,
Your daddy could have smiled down,
Pride eyed,
Tight lipped,
And know it was okay.

But I should have done better,
His eyes bare down on me with hate,
Despise has become my middle name,
But at least that's better
Than this pain.
Because I know,
Deep down,
I could have done better.