Flying

I wasn’t allowed out of the hospital for a week just because I had a strained neck and my body was so badly bruised that just turning my neck to look around made it unbearable to be alive. I mean, it’s pretty unbearable as it is. A few kids have come in just to see how I’m doing and give me my homework (oh, goodie), but I can’t even face them. I pretend I’m asleep so I won’t have to talk to anyone, because I just can’t. I’d be hit by the memories before the accident, just by the looks on their faces. Oh, that poor girl who just became another percentage among the statistics. I’d remember just hanging out, Michelle and me and our other friends, having fun and all that other good s**t. But that’s not going to happen again, or ever. The guilt is insufferable; I can’t even sleep straight without seeing Michelle’s face flash in my dreams and hear her screams. The Mulligan’s didn’t press charges against me, fortunately. If they did I’d be in jail because it’s not likely my Mom would bail my sorry a*s out, and even asking Dad was out of the question. He was rich, but paying for his medical bills was enough stress on him.

But there’s something inside me that wishes they would’ve pressed charges. I don’t deserve getting off free like this. In the end though, I don’t. I still have to live knowing I killed her because of my stupid mistake; because I got drunk and decided to drive. I feel like they should’ve thrown me in jail, because then I could just die in there, instead of dying inside like I am.

A few of our other friends came in; Tiffany and Molly. They’re sweet, but almost too sweet it’s fake. Its like I can just see right through their smiles and cards they keep bringing in. They hate me. I know it. I hate me. The thing is, everyone loved Michelle. She was kind, pretty, popular. I guess I was too, but there was something about Michelle that made everyone want to be around her. With me, I was like a clone, but she was the real deal. Tiffany and Molly trusted me, but I know they trusted Michelle with their lives, and I just never got along with them unless we all hung out together. I knew it wouldn’t be the same again, I had to just accept the facts. They would come in and talk to me as I faced the wall and squeeze my eyes shut, pretending to sleep some more. They would tell me how nobody blames me and they miss me so much; but it’s just so stupid. I can handle the truth, why don’t they just suck it up and tell me up straight.

Sometimes I wish I could just hobble up to the window in my room and jump right out. I would swing myself off this gurney and take my sweet time making it over there; I would wiggle my toes and cherish my last moments here. Then I would sit right on the ledge of the window for a couple seconds, and with a final breath, I would launch myself into the air. Maybe it’d feel like flying.

Maybe.

And then nothing. I’d be gone, and no one would have to worry about lying to me or any medical bills, and they’d go on with their lives. Someone might cry, but I’d be forgotten after a while. After all, I was just another silly girl who would have to learn the hard way eventually.

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