1: How Do You Feel? No, Really. Learning to Manage Emotions

In Teaching Kids to Be Good People, Annie Fox has written a very personal, step-by-step guide to teaching your children to make healthy choices (online and off).

Teaching Kids To Be Good People

By Annie L Fox

1: How Do You Feel?

No, Really.

Learning to

Manage Emotions

 

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”

       �"Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence

One of the hardest skills to master, aside from parallel parking, is staying cool in the face of destructive emotions�"our own or someone else’s. It’s incredibly tough because jealousy, contempt, rage, and all their cousins just show up to the party, uninvited. Even if we got the memo, our brain is not designed to hold back from feeling what we feel. A situation, a word, a look, even a thought can ignite a fuse, and when the bomb of destructive impulses explodes, we’re held hostage, from the inside. At those moments it’s a challenge for adults to keep our behavior in check. For kids, it can be nearly impossible, unless we talk to them, listen to them, and teach them that all feelings are valid, but not even the hottest hate gives us a free pass to hurt anyone. That’s why teaching kids to be good people, involves helping them to understand emotions so they can learn to diffuse their own incendiary devices before losing control and hurting someone.

 

___________________

 

A Little Breakfast

and a Big Lesson in Emotional Intelligence

My mother’s sobs woke me. Behind the door of my parents’ bedroom, I heard my father comforting her. My brothers told me that Grandpa had died. My five-year-old brain wasn’t sure what to make of that, so I stood paralyzed in the darkened hallway, not knowing how I was supposed to feel. Suddenly Mommy opened her door, her wavy hair freshly brushed, her lipstick bright red. She smiled and cheerfully asked what I wanted for breakfast. I wasn’t hungry. I was confused. I had a lot of questions. I needed to be comforted, but Mommy’s tight smile warned me to be “good.” So I said nothing.

 

Later, as I pushed a piece of French toast around my plate, I had a realization�"an absolute epiphany: Grownups hide their sadness!

 

When I was 15 my father died of a massive heart attack. His sudden passing left a huge hole in my heart, but instead of grieving, I decided that since I was now all grown up I had to suppress my sadness.

 

Fast-forward 25 years. My dentist, replacing a cracked filling from childhood, pauses, asks how I’m doing and gently rests a hand on my head. A tidal wave of sadness overwhelms me. I start weeping and cannot stop.

 

For the next 48 hours I’m emotionally numb and clueless about what the hell is happening. My husband, David, helps me realize that the dentist’s touch reminded me of my father and the way he often tousled my hair. With that revelation, the floodgates burst. Finally I am able to grieve for my dad and release myself from feelings that held me hostage for decades.

 

That day I learned what really happens when we leave intense emotions unexpressed. They don’t actually “fade away,” as I had believed. Instead, they work like a mild acid, slowly eroding our insides, boring holes in our emotional foundation, creating gaps in our ability to be ourselves and fearlessly open up to others.

 

When I finally unwrapped that life-lesson, I was done burying feelings that needed to be expressed. I vowed to teach my children, through my own example, how to express emotions in healthy ways. As the universe is always eager to help us fill the gaps in our education, I soon got my big chance to “walk the walk.” Actually, I ended up running.

 

During most of 1994 my mom was dying of Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Every day I drove an hour each way to see her. During continuous Scrabble tournaments, Mom and I finally found the words to communicate with an intimacy we’d never shared before. I am eternally grateful for those last ten months we had together . . . grace-filled and excruciatingly painful as they were.

 

After spending each day with Mom, I arrived home, scared, worn down, and so raw. I offered no one a lipstick smile. Instead, I trusted that David, our daughter, and son (then ages 15 and 9) would know how to respond to a person in need. Their back rubs, cups of tea, and loving words of encouragement got me through that endless year. If I’d chosen the charade of “Everything’s fine, honey. What would you like to eat?” I’d have betrayed myself and robbed my children of an opportunity to learn what it means to be a mensch, aka a real human being. By displaying the truth of my vulnerability, I offered the kids a golden opportunity to show compassion (toward me and their grandmother) and to grow beautifully toward adulthood. They took what they were given and raced off with it, farther than I ever would have imagined.

 

___________________

 

Real World

Assignment:

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Legacy

 

We take away life lessons from the parenting we receive. Awareness of our own EQ legacy from childhood can inspire the personal changes needed to create healthier relationships with other adults and with our own children.

 

Fuel for Thought�"While you were growing up, how challenging was it for you to express emotions? Was it fairly easy for you to talk about how you felt, or was yours a family that typically “swept things under the rug?” Could you freely express anger to your parents? Worry? Hurt? Love? If you don’t remember what it was like and you’ve got a sibling, check in with him/her and compare notes.

 

Conversations That Count�"Discuss with your child the communication challenges you faced growing up. Find a way to talk that’s honest and still respectful of your parents or their memory. Even if you had no major obstacles with your parents, there’s always room for improvement. Ask your child: “How can I do a better job being the kind of parent who is easy to talk to? How could you do a better job letting me know what you need when you’re upset or worried?” Talk with an open heart. Listen with an open mind.

 

NOTE: Throughout this book you’ll find guided discussions meant for you and your child, aka Conversations That Count. For them to really count, make it safe for your child to be real with you. Model respectful listening. If your child says something you’re not thrilled to hear, calm down before responding. (Slow deep breaths are infinitely useful parenting tools.) Getting defensive, contradicting your child’s words, and invalidating what’s being said are all quick ways to shut down a conversation. Communication flows more effectively when we listen to each other with respect and show that we are trying to understand the other person’s perspective (even when disagreeing). We all want to be heard and understood. Model that.

 

Teach�"Use at least one insight gained from your conversation to make it safer to express feelings in your family. We’re not looking for perfection, just progress toward better communication and a closer bond with people we love. When we lose control of our emotions or lose sight of our teaching objectives, we need to apologize and put real effort into doing a better job next time. The way we express and respond to emotions teaches our children so much about being part of a healthy family and being a real friend. Down the road, what they learn from us will also make them more compassionate partners and parents.

 

___________________

 

What Would You

Teach Here?

 

My eight-year-old stepson is a sweet kid. We love each other and I try to be a good stepdad. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD. I get upset having a child running my life, telling me what to do, pushing every boundary he can and making my wife and I miserable because he doesn’t always get his way. I feel like the outcast sometimes. I haven’t talked to my wife yet about how I’m feeling. �"My child’s teacher

 

Annie’s Answer: It can be tricky to create a harmonious three-way dynamic between child, parent, and stepparent. Raising a child with special needs presents additional challenges. This situation is not going to resolve itself. Continuing as you have is only likely to create more tension in the marriage and the family. Talk with your wife, calmly and respectfully. Tell her how you’ve been feeling and listen to what she has to say. Get outside help to provide more effective parenting strategies. Take what you’ve learned from a professional and work together with patience and a healthy sense of humor to teach your son how to manage his emotions in more responsible ways. Do that and you and your wife will be creating a more peaceful family life and a wonderful legacy for your boy.

 

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ANNIE FOX is an internationally respected character educator and the author of five books for teens about growing up and getting along. Her books include “The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating,” “Too Stressed to Think?” (with Ruth Kirschner), and the popular Middle School Confidential™ book and app series. Since 1997, when she launched groundbreaking teen website The InSite, Annie has been answering teen and parenting questions from around the world. Because of her unique insight into adult-t(w)een relationships, she is a sought-after speaker who takes equal delight connecting with students, educators, and parents.

 

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Reviews

[Rachel S.]

I really liked the story part of your chapter and you wrote in a smooth way that kept my attention. I would work on your first paragraph - maybe start out with something a little more positive than negative. Also, one last point, at the end of your story, perhaps try not to sound like you were doing everything right and got it all figured out. Readers don't like to read about the author being the wonderful example that we should all follow. I hope this helps. You sound like a good writer.