Artichoke

Its a poem that chronicles an actual relationship I had with a girl where she basically did a way with me as a friend so she could go out with some guy I hated. Hope you like. :) Critique is welcome.

 I'm lying in my bed

because I feel dead.

Yeah, I've finished off the last of my mom's wine

and my taste buds have died, and become divine.

What can I say it's my only chance to shine

because poetry doesn't write itself 

without at least drinking a few

especially after everything we went through.

What do you expect from me a "thank you"?

Bite me, b***h

You turned me into an alcoholic

and alcohol turned me into a workaholic

only my work doesn't get me dollar signs,

YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT

if it did your boy would have used that line

All she wants is money, and old ryhmes.

His poetry is borrowed from song lyrics.

You know it

but you don't care.

Your in love

but your not

and you never will.

You don't know me

but you never did.

"You're never going to make it, Justin. Your just too wierd."

that's something you've never said but never had to.

You think I don't know you?

Well, that was your mistake

After four long years

yeah, I know your fake.

I'm all alone

because that's how I like it.

I sit at home

because that way it's quiet.

You think I don't see what he posts on your wall?

I hate when he calls you "my love", and "angel"

Please, get me a barf bag.

Your boy is a d-bag

who likes to say swag

but only in the photo tags.

Oh, so now I'm the f*g?

Say it to my face instead of Facebook

You chose him over me

Mr. "I'm not a hipster sir, 

but I can sure make her hips stir".

I heard how he explored her dashboard like Tumblr.

Yeah, that sounds like true love right?

Does he Twitter that?

Everyone reblogged that.

Don't text me crying about your dude

He's cheating on you to poke other chicks.

You know what? I'm just not in the mood.

I'm a jerk sometimes, but he's a real dick.

Crazy like the Social Network girl.

I don't understand you like Braile

I just can't feel all that much

so just forget it.

I don't think its worth it.

Author's Note

Feel free to critique as long as you are constructive. :)

Reviews

[annie lee]

I meant to ask you about the title -- Artichoke. Significance?

[annie lee]

I think you have written a wonderful starting point here. You use some sophisticated wordplay, and that expertise makes me feel that you have a lot of promise. Poetry will not suffer from revision; in fact, it flourishes with revisions. These words are dying for you to come through them wielding the sharpness of your mind and the substance of your vision. The rhyming is there, but sometimes a little bumpy. Rhyming is unimportant to me; it is the grace and cadence of the words that draw my interest. I like the tacit undercurrent of anger; I like the short sentences that deliver the damning words. Just some little technical issues: the contraction for "You are" is "you're" -- "your" is possessive. All in all, this is a firecracker waiting to be lit: revise it a little and light it. You will fill the sky with colored streams and exploding beauty.