Dirty Little Secrets

A Story by ayejodie

What happens when you stop doing what you should do, what the world says you should do, and instead do what you want? A short story on not being able to control temptation.

I craved a relationship, like the ones all painted across the screens of our phones. The beautiful sexy man who apparently only has eyes for his super model girlfriend. The couple who take flawless photos and holiday every weekend, the ones who look happy together. It wasn't all of the crap that comes with it that i was after, it was the couple's want to be together. How they probably sacrificed everything they've wanted or plans they've previously made, just to be together and want to stay together.

It's truly admirable. Although there is an element of me that thinks it is all for show, and I wonder if they are truly happy together, or, if they are they like me, just pretending, but always wanting more? And that want I have is leading me astray.

Getting ready and making sure we got a good picture out of it, me and my two friend's were getting ready to go into town for the night. Painting our faces and perfuming our neck. We took dolled up pictures and lashed them across social media before we went out. I was so looking forward to going to a gay nightclub, they always play great music and the men somewhat leave you be. We drank vodka on the train in and switched to glasses of wine when we got there. As i thought, the music was encouraging us to dance.

There is only ever one thought on my mind when I am drunk and in that place, I want to kiss a girl.

In all my three years of being in a relationship with my boyfriend I have never once cheated or had the temptation of cheating on him. Then, a few months back, maybe even rolling into a year, things seemed to have changed. We argued constantly, to the point where I tried to end things, but he never listened because that's not what he wanted. And a lot of the time a small bit of resentment grew inside me every time I was reminded of things I couldn't do, or when I felt trapped.

I have this soul-destroying feeling constantly of wanting to experience everything before I die, thanks to stories of people being perfectly fine and then being diagnosed with something and they're life changes forever, they now have three weeks to live. I have an inability to put others before myself.

I've always thought girls were beautiful, and always wondered what it would be like to be with one. These thoughts have become so increasingly difficult to ignore over time that I made a decision to myself that being with a girl would be on my list of things to do before I died. The fact that my brain tells me it's not cheating because its not with a man makes the thought so much more appealing -and mixed with Alcohol, makes the thought become much more of a reality.

We danced with gay men until we could barely stand anymore. The dance floor was packed with men, and less women. This girl came over to me and took my hand and began to dance, provocatively. She had flawless sallow skin and silky brunette hair just passed her shoulders. In a short space of time her tongue was already down my throat. It was kind of like kissing, only softer, sexier- kissing, only without the stupid f*****g stubble scraping my face. There was no man or woman role, it was just equal. I noticed she had a lot of male friends, they didn't seem like they were gay at all, because they were kissing her too. One stared at me in a way that was leading me in, tempting but at the same time didn't make me feel safe, this was dangerous territory, this would be cheating. I decided that was enough and my friends and I left to go sit down. So my lesbian experience is over right? I can die happy now? wrong. I only wanted more.

As we walked up the stairs, I was behind both my friends, I couldn't wait to get up the stairs and laugh about what had just happened. Then, a girl stopped me and pulled me aside. She wasn't as feminine as the last, her hair was short and jet black. She wore little or no make up and her style somewhat resembled that of a boy. This girl just start dancing with me and I danced back, partly because of the song that was playing and mostly because, It was a girl and I was excited to see what would happen, What I knew was going to happen.

She asked me my name and She told me hers, that seemed to be her excuse to lean in close enough to me because before long we were kissing. She waited a moment before her hands start to slide up and down my body. I was afraid to do the same. She pulled away and asked me did I smoke, already living a lie I told her yes and we left to head outside. After being handed a cigarette I lit it from hers and we talked. I didn't know how to be or what to say, I never lesbianed before, so to speak. We continued kissing outside and it began to get a little intense, She grabbed my chest and I bit her lip. The whole time I couldn't help but imagine taking her home. Not that I would even know what to do or where to begin, It just felt good, and I didn't want it to stop.

It was coming toward the end of what felt like the longest night. I went to find my friends and grab my coat with, em, Carly- yeah, that's her name. While we waited in line she asked for my number, and I stupidly gave it to her, not actually thinking she would text me an hour later saying how great it was to meet me and again the very next morning.

I became paranoid, what if my boyfriend seen this? What if somehow he found out? Would he even care? I filled with insecurity but excitement too. I lacked the guilt a cheat should feel, because I had wanted this for a while. We continued to text, because I couldn't resist, unbeknownst to Carly that I had a boyfriend, that I lived with him, that I wanted her.

She asked if i'd like to meet up next weekend, and honestly I needed to say a prayer for the thoughts that came into my mind.

This was going too far, but I kept letting it pull me along, I didn't even try to stop it. I cut her off and told her i'd text her later, I needed time to think. I needed to tell her. And secretly, I was hoping she wouldn't care,

because I didn't.