Shhhh (Third person point of view)

That sound, what is it? Her heart thumps louder and louder as the sound gets closer. Someone is breathing heavily, stepping carefully toward her dark room. She cowers in the corner, helpless, trying to stay as quiet as possible, hoping, praying it won't find her. The door screams as it is pushed open, slowly. A dark shadow falls across the floor, blocking most of the light from the hall. It is not human. She can tell right away by its shadow. It shuts the door, blocking the light, her only comfort. Its yellow eyes are shining brightly, but there are no pupils. Pure yellow. What is it? Its dagger-like fangs glimmer in the darkness. She imagines them tearing into her soft flesh, ripping her apart while she screams for mercy. A whimper escapes her mouth, alerting the creature to her location. It pivots to face her directly. Tears roll down her face, silent but telling. It walks on its long, thick legs to her, slowly, and brushes the tears from her pretty face. She swears she sees it smile with pleasure. Those disgusting yellow, glowing teeth. Its breath holds the scent of blood, a recent kill. 

She tries in vain to think of something happy, to make the moment go by faster, more painless, but she can't take her eyes away from this beast. It chokes her with fear, but it is fascinating at the same time. Her heart picks up speed and she begins to think it may burst out of your chest. Faster, still it beats, almost the the point where it's painful. Sobs rack her poor, scared body, and choked pleas escape her raw throat. A rumble emits from the creature. She opens her mouth to scream, but nothing comes out. It growls again and strokes her red cheek with its enormous hand; the claws tear part of the skin on her fair cheek, and she can feel the blood dripping down her face, to her chin, until it patters onto the floor. It repeats its actions on the other side and makes symmetrical cuts. 

She almost begins to think that this creature has a degree of mercy and gentleness, but then it throws her effortlessly across the room, head first, and all doubts are erased about its demeanor.  Her head hits the wall, leaving a gaping hole. In a daze, she attempts to stand up, only to be knocked down again. Before she could even open her eyes again, a searing pain in her stomach makes the defenseless girl writhe and kick. The beast screams at her for kicking it in the nose, and she opens her eyes to watch in awe as its huge mouth opens, to watch it bare its huge teeth. Somehow, she finds it beautiful, even though it's killing her, violently ripping her body apart. But then she begins to understand, in a dark way, that this is what needs to happen. He is hungry. He needs food too. She opens up to him, and he sees that she understands. He touches her face gently, and immediately resumes feeding on her warm insides. This time she doesn't fight, doesn't feel pain. Everything becomes numb. Nothing is felt except for the warm tears still running down her little face, stinging the cuts they run over. 

Soon everything is black. It's over. She doesn't know what to do, or where to go. She is lost. Is this heaven?, she wonders, or is it hell? 

Author's Note

this is a third person view of my story; i wrote the last one in second person. tell me what one you like better? thanks :)

Reviews

[AJ Fau]

I recommend the third person perspective as well. I think for this story the words will come to life very well. I have to say I would have liked to know more about the main character! Your story was consistent from start to finish and I liked how you weren't too specific with the monster. I was creeped out imagining what it looked like :0

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

She tries in vain to think of something happy---I think this is a weak line.

I love the story its cool, vivid and the way you illustrate the monster its perfect. But stick to the third person and develope more the character build up of this girl.

[The_Breakdown]

thank you so much! ill keep your criticism in mind if and when i decide to revise this or branch off of it. i appreciate your input!

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Welcome :)

[easybreezy]

If I have to choose, I prefer third person. Second person is soooo difficult to pull off successfully. Although you did a good job of it! You could definitely branch off of this in either direction or both.

[The_Breakdown]

thank you so much! i also prefer third person and i prefer to write that way too :)

[LittleMissBluebird]

I like this a lot, L-dog. These suspenseful stories give me the creeps, but honestly I think that's what makes me keep reading. Emotion is the key in these kind of books in my opinion and I think you handled it pretty well. Keep up the good work:)
P.S. I hope she goes to heaven.

[The_Breakdown]

Thanks girlie! I might even branch off this and center a longer story around it, so you might find out if she goes to heaven or not :)

[LittleMissBluebird]

cool!

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

That's interesting :)

[LittleMissBluebird]

:) haha

[The_Breakdown]

lol hannah

[LittleMissBluebird]

i'm tiirrrreeedddd:D

[The_Breakdown]

HAHAHAHA omg tony is reallly making me MAD! TONYY

[LittleMissBluebird]

I KNOW lol

[Trigorin]

I've only happened to read this story, but I feel like this would be a bit more successful if you fleshed out the central character a bit more. I do understand what you're going for, and it is a bit difficult to do that in second person, but second person is difficult to get right in general - I'd advise sticking to third person and making the character someone more engaging and involving.

[The_Breakdown]

Ok thanks! I'll definately take that into consideration in my future writing, especially if i decide to branch out on this story and make it a little more personable and engaging, you know, building a bit more of a relationship with the characters and more of a plot line

[The_Breakdown]

*definitely