Blessed Are the Mellow

Blessed Are the Mellow

A Story by barleygirl
"

a spoof on Trump mannerisms . . .

"

 

“Excuuuuuuse me!” Gristly Geezer grabs Lilly-Livered Lilliputian by the shoulder in order to sweep past her on his rush to their photo op. After this puffy poser secures the center front position, Gristly adjusts his overly-long tie to suggest his self-opinion of being overly-endowed.

“What a pompous jerk!” Blister Sister snarls under her breath as she maneuvers protectively to Lilly’s side. “What came over the Geezers when they sent this grandiose Gristly to our summit meeting?”

“So many mountain territories have legalized hooch, do you suppose they’ve drifted off into a passive joyful ennui? Leaving themselves open for a hostile takeover of the Grinning Geezers?”

Frumpy Freakster would probably know, Lilly surmises. He looks like he inhaled a bad-a*s bong hit before joining this breakfast meeting. Everyone ignores Frumpy because his mellow-yellow mode doesn’t jive with the roiling resentment shaking the underlying Richter scale of this climate summit.

“I don’t care if that bluster butt busts up the Geezers’ government, as long as he doesn’t pull out of our climate agreement.” Blister Sister always cuts to the chase.

“According to his six ex-wives and eleven assault victims, they could never tell whether he was in or out!” Lilly-Livered Lilliputian eyes his overly-long bright red flag with skepticism.

“Namaste . . . Namaste!” Missy Slick Knickers slathers peaceful proclamations all around, but only Frumpy Freakster pays any attention to her. “Give it to the universe! We need a universal shift of all negative attitudes!”

“You’re just plain out of luck because I won’t be making my decision at this time.” Gristly Geezer clearly relishes holding everyone hostage, salivating for some indication of his next whimsical move. “I need to discuss this matter further with my environmental experts.”

“Yeah right! His secretary of surroundings dismantles protections as we speak while his chief disrupter fills minions’ heads with fear-mongering nonsense!” Surly Surfer joins breakfast late after cruising the best morning waves. He takes his waffle over to Frumpy’s table because mellow-munchy islanders stick together.

“So-called environmental experts possess nothing scientific between them!” Some brave sucker speaks up loud enough for Gristly to hear, but he’s snubbed.

“Hey look at that! Gristly automatically gets served a second waffle!” Frumpy lobs this playful grenade just to watch resentment roil across the room.

“Unfair! The rest of us get only one waffle!”

“No worries . . . it’ll all work out for the best.” As Frumpy reassures, Surly stares at Missy Slick Knickers like she must have a fierce wedgie. Concerned looks are met with mysterious smugness all around.

“How can you laugh this off? After that oily oaf just spent twenty minutes lecturing the rest of us on paying our fair share?”

“What a freakin’ hypocrite!” Grumbles agitate the atmosphere.

As the breakfast meeting continues to unravel, Frumpy and Missy keep glancing over at Gristly to watch what happens next. Pretty sure they went undetected as they snuck to the kitchen and switched his second waffle for the islander version, these two stoner allies giggle as Gristly’s leathery lizard eyes sag into narrow slits.

Pretty soon others start to catch on. There must be something in the pipeline so they tune in, twittering amongst themselves, watching the bombast posturing pathetically. “If not a bit useful, at least the old windbag is a continual source of amusement worldwide.”

Gradually the signature scowl on Gristly’s face softens. “Are you kidding me? Is that a smile I see?” Surly hisses in disbelief.

“Look, he’s taking a bite of his overly-long tie . . . it’s gotten draped across his plate!” Now everyone at the mellow table is staring, astonished.

By the time Gristly gobbles down his second waffle and a nibble of his tie, he’s downright jovial, leaning in close to trap his table-mate. “My gawd, is he really flirting with Blister Sister? I bet she blisters his keister!”

As the stately spectacle unfolds, Frumpy and Missy can barely muffle their hilarity. They watch and grin as Gristly puts his manly moves on Blister Sister. They can’t be sure but it looks like Gristly is whispering sweet nothings in her ear. “Maybe he’s inviting her to his bungalow for some afternoon delight when this meeting is over!”

“Look, I’m not on birth control so I’d have to be absolutely sure you would pull out.” It’s the classic snafu . . . the one where the whole room becomes quiet . . . not even crickets . . . just as Gristly appears to be wearing down Blister’s resolve . . . and then she embarrassingly blurts out her conditional response: “You simply MUST promise you’ll pull out!”

“FORGET IT! I’m never pulling out!” Gristly’s momentary smile returns to a scowl when he suspects this entire room full of planetary power is conspiring against him. In his typical contrary fashion, he delivers the exact opposite of the vow Blister was aiming to extract from him.

The meeting erupts into good cheer as Gristly plays egotistically to the video cameras, unknowingly providing his taped vow, stated in no uncertain terms: NOT pulling out of the climate agreement! By the evening news this video clip is looping, over and over and over and over and over . . .

 



© 2017 barleygirl



Author's Note

barleygirl
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth . . . Matthew 5:5

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Featured Review

This was hilarious. Awesome names and some recognizable despite their ridiculous "fictional" handles. I absolutely loved this aaaaannd you stayed in the right tense throughout - kudos. I will be reading all your stuff. Samuel Dickens recommended you and I'm so glad he did. Again, loved this piece.

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

The ultimate recommendation is one that comes from Sam! He's so incredible as a writer & I've learne.. read more



Reviews

This was hilarious. Awesome names and some recognizable despite their ridiculous "fictional" handles. I absolutely loved this aaaaannd you stayed in the right tense throughout - kudos. I will be reading all your stuff. Samuel Dickens recommended you and I'm so glad he did. Again, loved this piece.

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

The ultimate recommendation is one that comes from Sam! He's so incredible as a writer & I've learne.. read more
the reason they "bless the meek" is just a way to say, thank you for allowing us to f#**K over you little bast***ds and stay out of the way.... but, and gristly just loves buts... the meek will rise finally and put and end to all this nonsense... and do what is needed to save the planet's environment...

very imaginative way of telling the story Margie...

redzone

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

I should've known you would understand my meaning better than anyone! Norman gave me the "meek" idea.. read more
Stupendous! I'm speechless.... Does SNL know adout this!! Would make a great skit for the Baldwin...you fill a great need for political satire with this excellent work. May I suggest you may have found your perfect niche??? Brava!

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

The very big difference about SNL writers and me . . . once in a blue moon I can write something tha.. read more
219335_One-Stop Publishing: free print & ebook publishing
“Look, I’m not on birth control so I’d have to be absolutely sure you would pull out.” It’s the classic snafu . . . the one where the whole room becomes quiet . . . not even crickets . . . just as Gristly appears to be wearing down Blister’s resolve . . . and then she embarrassingly blurts out her conditional response: “You simply MUST promise you’ll pull out!”

“FORGET IT! I’m never pulling out!” Gristly’s momentary smile returns to a scowl when he suspects this entire room full of planetary power is conspiring against him. In his typical contrary fashion, he delivers the exact opposite of the vow Blister was aiming to extract from him.'

Had to lay that where it belongs, CONSPICUOUS and repeatedly repeated. LOVE IT... and would add : the man or woman who laughs longest and loudest at your poem gets my vote! Being ignored (hard from a distance) or being laughed at (done from any point of the compass), does it for all those with their hands up!

Fanbloomin'tastic.!!!!!

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

emmajoy

6 Months Ago

One should never comment about another country's problems but oh boy, how VERY, VERY sorry i am for .. read more
barleygirl

6 Months Ago

The world, collectively, is very kind. I know you all know that 60% of us hate this & feel horrible .. read more
emmajoy

6 Months Ago

Read recently that it's more than plausible that in the future, anyone will be able to stand for a p.. read more
Superb! It was something many satires fail to be: funny. I read the whole thing, knowing it was bound to be great, but when he ate his tie it really became something brilliant. What a bombastic, orange and leathery buffoon ;) I see what you mean you told me "show, don't tell." The body language you describe is so effective. Truly hilarious

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

This review is precious to me! Your specific comments make it so meaningful! *smile* I really despis.. read more
I've always hated that quote "Blessed are the meek. . ." It really is the exact opposite. The meek are exploited and victimized. That aside, this story is marvelous. All the ridiculous names and descriptions and actions . . . I almost feel bad for Trump and how everyone and his brother makes fun of him. Almost. But since I don't, I find these sort of stories hilarious.

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

I am so vindictive, when people make fun of Trump, I can only think about how Trump kept haranguing .. read more
this is a wonderful write....i loved the title and the story as well...keep writing!

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

Thank you for your enthusiastic review! I hope you were able to catch everything about the way Trump.. read more
Wajiha Nayeem

6 Months Ago

hahaha.....
a fanciful tale that is entertaining

as for the meek ... in today's world, they will be the first victims

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

You caught my meaning more than anyone. A friend suggested the line: "meek will inherit the earth, k.. read more
Oh my friend. I had to read twice. Title brought to the story and the story took me in. This is so damn good. Thank you dear friend for sharing the amazing tale.
Coyote

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

6 Months Ago

There are so many mannerisms that bug me . . . rather than grind on it, I decided to just have some .. read more
Coyote Poetry

6 Months Ago

You did well my friend and you are welcome.
Very classy satire. Trump is certainly a source of comedy gold. Over here, we have Nigel Farage to play Chief Village Idiot. Nicely done.

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

PaulB

6 Months Ago

My pleasure, but 'great kudos from a guy who writes satire etc'? Are you mixing me up with somebody .. read more
barleygirl

6 Months Ago

I'm not an expert on what's satire, but whatever it is you do, that tongue-in-cheek sassy thing . . .. read more
PaulB

6 Months Ago

The Grey Witch stories - you mean? Okay, as long as you enjoy them, that's fine. Just hadn't seen th.. read more

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Added on May 31, 2017
Last Updated on May 31, 2017

Author

barleygirl
barleygirl

Central Coast, CA



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Just loving life & sharing my blessings. more..

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