Needle and Damage Done

Needle and Damage Done

A Story by barleygirl
"

jus some Halloween fun . . .

"


BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD! BUL-LUD!

The third reverberating shot begins to penetrate Zelda’s zombie-like stupor. Squinting through bloodshot eyes at her bare hearth, gradually the shape of a swastika becomes more evident, traced in bullet holes.

“What the freak? Sir Pent, get yer candy a*s in here!” She watches some mysterious red liquid drip from each bullet hole, staining her freshly-painted wall. There’s no sign that Sir Pent might emerge from his oblivion anytime soon, so Zelda heaves her numbed-out carcass from the sunken sofa.

She hobbles over to an ornate oval mirror and flashes a gap-toothed grin. Her ragged reflection is a far cry from the virtuous visage Zelda once evoked, but gazing into the looking glass for confirmation is an old habit she can’t kick. Stretching her neck to minimize wrinkles, a forgotten opium needle is revealed, still piercing her throat and partially emptied.

“Geeeeeez! There’s still some in there!” Zelda bellows a cigarette-grizzled monotone, expressing the most elation she ever does experience.

DUL-LING! After emptying the syringe, she tosses it over her shoulder.

“Zelda darling, I wish you wouldn’t . . .” Deep tones of masculinity belie the shriveled-up old knight in red polka-dot pajamas. Sir Pent yanks the errantly-cast needle from his thigh and lets it drop to the once-plush badly-stained carpet dotted with cat droppings. “Have you fed the furries, my chickadee?”

“I refuse to serve those ingrates!” Zelda huffs across the foyer and flings open the front door. “Curses! How many times do I have to remind you? I see that Rocky Raccoon is still hanging around out here!”

Stepping over the threshold twists her dilapidated knees as Zelda finds herself reeling on down the entryway and across the courtyard until she finally hooks a slipper on the metal raccoon-styled boot scraper. Her final lurch tramples a bloodroot planter while nearly flattening the gutter downspout. “This confounded raccoon has tripped me up for the last time!”

At the conclusion of Zelda’s rant, she spits out two teeth and then traces the resulting craters with her bloody tongue. Sir Pent pulls a pristine white handkerchief from his pajamas pocket and shakes it out before offering it to his beloved. He’s not sure his frail form can withstand the strain of helping Zelda up, so he slinks back into the house and wrestles his way through a churning throng of cats anticipating dinner in the pantry.

While nonchalantly easing the door closed on Zelda, Sir Pent had automatically flipped on the porch light. Unbeknownst to either of them, a spiteful foe at the base of their bluff had put a curse on the chateau’s electrical system in order to create uncanny results. Zelda sits in the flattened flowerbed gouging her eyes, wiping away the blur of that last opium shot. Still the spectacle on her lawn is mind-boggling. A crowd of identical creatures bizarrely boogies to the melodic rhythm of guts gurgling and blood burbling!

“I’m the shrewdist hobgoblin anyone has ever known!” A superior specter stands by the expansive arched windowpane (punctuated by earlier gunfire) waving a wimpy firearm while howling a campaign-like diatribe. “Only I can fix the scourge that diversity has ejaculated upon us!”

“Only a moron proclaims his brainpower constantly!” The hair stands up on the back of Zelda’s neck as she shouts down this asinine apparition. Something about this buffoon reminds her of a car salesman that once sold her a worthless pile of parts that functioned only long enough for him to make his get-away.

“Don’t listen to that fake witch . . . Zelda’s washed up and her witch’s brew no longer imparts sorcery!” Why does this ghoul speak her name? How does he know her past profession? “This phony sorceress uses recipes straight out of the gremlin playbook! They’re colluding to spread diversity throughout the planet!”

“That does it! Get off my property!” Zelda grabs the shovel leaning against the toolshed and goes after him. “You’re nothing but a cheapskate chump!”

“Don’tcha just wish we could give all these witches and their knighted sidekicks an injection to send them off to la-la land permanently? Blood and soil! Blood and soil! That’s right, everybody chant!”

“Blood and soil! Blood and soil!” The identical minions repeat in unison.

Zelda winds up like a pro-baller and lands the shovel right on the top of his noggin, but his theatrical swoosh of asparagus-pee-colored hair serves as an impenetrable helmet and the shovel bounces like a boomerang. The flying handle hits her in the a*s as she stoops down, ducking to protect her precious few remaining teeth. Now the bile bubbles from way down deep in her belly.

“I recognize you, you ancient jester! Still the supreme leader of the Eternal Republic after all these years? You must be as old as dirt by now!” Zelda picks up the shovel and holds it out in front of her like a shield, instinctively assuming a protective stance as if there’s a raging bull on the loose. “Do you still require all your sycophants to salute your presence and conduct well-rehearsed missile processions each time you have an easy bowel movement?”

“Fake witch! Fake witch! If you listen to her, your skin will turn orange! Cover your ears and make noise! Lock her up! Lock her up! That’s right, my minions!”

“Lock her up! Lock her up!”

Loud chanting rouses Sir Pent to the door, which he opens, peering out at the phantom spectacle on their lawn. “My sweet chickadee, please ignore all this fakery! We are far too choosy to subscribe to shoddy chicanery.”

“But I need to expunge that fraud and all the plutocrats he’s subsidizing!”

“There’s no need my beloved. Come inside. Let’s just turn off the light and go to bed now.” The moment Sir Pent flips the light switch . . . the entire spooky lawn scene vanishes with a barely-audible “poof!”




© 2017 barleygirl



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Featured Review

' “Do you still require all your sycophants to salute your presence and conduct well-rehearsed missile processions each time you have an easy bowel movement?” '

Great names, great - methinks, inferences that make you think and think and - 'Oh i get it!' For goodness sake, where do you find your 'material', seems to oooze out as if someone turn on the tap (fawcet, over there?)

Reckon you've been a sound effects doer-of in a past life.. or you hear strange noises in your dreams! Love the rants here, the excuses or double entendres here and there. As to the way you've chained thoughts together that almost.. almost almost make sense. What to say but grin and fade away with that lawn. That third 'character: seems to have squeezed its way into people's minds.. they - the idiot believers of all things rancid!

Fantasy spoof almost understood; quantum physics on paprika just doesn't compare, dear, dear hilarious Margie. A great story for time of year and our times!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

As you have guessed, I picked many political phrases from our current stew of nonsense, threw it all.. read more
emmajoy

3 Weeks Ago

Just as well i don't have to cope with such nonsense.. Am disgracefullyas undiplomatic at times when.. read more



Reviews

Having exhausted our entire stock of fruit, sweets and energy with the "trick and treaters" last night, I found your hilarious story. I usually open the door with "fangs" and a water pistol to trick the callers ( they are all neighbours kids). Your descriptions would have given me some wonderful ideas, if I had seen them in time. Your ghoulish barf inducing imagination knows no bounds. (But I feel better now) **smile**
Pity you didn't tweet it though, The Chump would never have understood it!!
(((Hugs)))
.

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


The lights go out... Just lawn figures... If only this was true with our current political leader... I would enjoy it all being a nonsensical illusion... Or perhaps it is real, and I need to upgrade my tomfoolery stick...

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

2 Weeks Ago

I keep looking for the magical light switch! *sigh!* I love your new byline this morning dissing the.. read more
Silente

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you, Barley, and I appreciate that sentiment... I truly give no fux about this website... So I.. read more
Hmm. This Sir Pent reminds me of someone. Oh, I love the sharp sarcasm throughout this piece. It's what we must do to when fools and idiots are running the show. (Into the ground) And putting it into a Halloween context, now that's really scary!

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you for finding my political rant camouflaged in pumpkin tones! *wink! wink!* I try not to giv.. read more
Seems a bit of politics crept in unawares that Halloween was all in good fun. I enjoyed your story nonetheless. I like seeing the little ones dressed up in their costumes and having fun. Here, the town closes the streets down and our police offer protection for the kids within the cordoned area where local merchants and a few private homes offer goodies to the trick or treaters. Looking forward to tomorrow evening and the parade of spooks.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

I hope that you could see that my politics are also in good fun. Thank you for describing the awesom.. read more
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
barleygirl

2 Weeks Ago

Thank you for sharing! We don't get any trick-or-treaters out here in the boondocks, so it was fun t.. read more
' “Do you still require all your sycophants to salute your presence and conduct well-rehearsed missile processions each time you have an easy bowel movement?” '

Great names, great - methinks, inferences that make you think and think and - 'Oh i get it!' For goodness sake, where do you find your 'material', seems to oooze out as if someone turn on the tap (fawcet, over there?)

Reckon you've been a sound effects doer-of in a past life.. or you hear strange noises in your dreams! Love the rants here, the excuses or double entendres here and there. As to the way you've chained thoughts together that almost.. almost almost make sense. What to say but grin and fade away with that lawn. That third 'character: seems to have squeezed its way into people's minds.. they - the idiot believers of all things rancid!

Fantasy spoof almost understood; quantum physics on paprika just doesn't compare, dear, dear hilarious Margie. A great story for time of year and our times!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

As you have guessed, I picked many political phrases from our current stew of nonsense, threw it all.. read more
emmajoy

3 Weeks Ago

Just as well i don't have to cope with such nonsense.. Am disgracefullyas undiplomatic at times when.. read more
Odd and entertaining with defined characters in their appearance and jesters.
The flavor of old comic strips and a theme of creativity in mind during the creation.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

You have caught that old-fashioned slapstick or vaudeville flavor that I was trying to impart. I ver.. read more
oh you little devil you...such political thought and opinion woven so delicately into this drug hazed, ghoulish tale...great names for your very unique characters says i ... i can't believe you didn't use this video
https://youtu.be/CPlmd1qtrss
but i suppose it puts a more serious slant on an otherwise humorous tale ... this might be more compatable
https://youtu.be/9ogtDpRf6dg
outlandish imagery accomplished dear friend ..i knew a woman that use to live next door to me that Zelda reminds me of ... her name is Zella .. :)
E.
ps. nice sound effects uh-yup uh-yup uh-yup :))) hugs barleygirl

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the way you catch all my intentional nuances! I could just KISS you for that! I'll.. read more
barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

Ah yes! I was definitely thinking about that ole Neil Young classic . . . I don't post videos becuz .. read more
Einstein Noodle

3 Weeks Ago

back at you barleygirl ..big time
Like a spooky episode of American Dad crossed with South Park. Way out in the stratosphere! Zelda and Sir Pent embody the ills of society and the ghoulishness of some major players in a very novel and creative way. Comical but scary imagery. “Fake witch”- ha! Crazy kaleidoscopic ride! P.S.- BOO!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

A write like this can bring as much relief as an enema! *wink! wink!* I try to stay positive, but ev.. read more
What an odd little tale. I enjoy how the characters aren't so much scary as they are totally out there. They seem to be muddling their way through their lives, "coping" with their zany personalities clashing. I'm sure the drugs make their lives SO much easier . . . I'm continuing to love these unusual twists on Halloween themes.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Weeks Ago

To me, outlandish is hilarious. I was on another writers website a few years back & there was this o.. read more

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Added on October 28, 2017
Last Updated on October 29, 2017

Author

barleygirl
barleygirl

Central Coast, CA



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