My Rant Runneth Over

My Rant Runneth Over

A Story by barleygirl
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title is cleverness by Neville . . .

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CRRRRASSSHHH! SPLAT! Tinkle! Ba-dinkle! YOWZA! SUNNNUVABITCH!

Hopping around the kitchen floor, trying to sidestep broken glass shards, I slosh around in my scalded bare feet, waving the broken coffeepot handle. “I shoulda figured your crusty old relic was near failure!”

“Must you blame everything on me? It wasn’t even my coffeepot.” My young wife spats her special brand of sweetness, emerging from the bathroom where she spends the first two hours of every day getting herself all dolled up for everyone except me. Our wedding was less than a year ago! Harrumph!

“Screw you! Can’t you see my feet are bleeding? You must be the most heartless b***h I ever met.” At this point, I hope Katrina doesn’t catch me sweeping a tsunami of coffee, blood, and broken glass out the door and into her carefully-tended composting bed below the deck.

“Calm down. I’m going out for Starbucks right now.” Fresh out of the shower and packed into her spanks and leggings, I mentally whine about how Katrina has always relegated our shared leisure time to slogging around in her baggy stinky sweat clothes. She never wags a clean tight a*s like that for me!

“What kind of coffee do I like?” I pout over the petulant clamor of her gathering keys, purse, and sunglasses . . . trying to snag her attention before she slams the front door behind her.

“I know how to order your coffee, dumbass!” Such honeyed affection from my beloved.

“No really. Give me just a minute. I want to hear you recite how I order my coffee so I can make sure you remember recent changes.” After wiping up traces of coffee, blood, and broken glass, I shove a debris-filled, wadded-up kitchen towel into the washing machine. She’ll probably tear me a new one for that.

“Yes dreary . . . I mean, dearie . . . I remember you are suddenly lactose-intolerant now.” Katrina silently wonders if marrying a rich older man is worth all this gawd-awful fussing. She had no idea that breezy bowels come with old money.

“Not lactose intolerant! I’m allergic to dairy! Now let me hear you say it.”

“Grande soy no-whip mocha with two extra packets of REAL sugar. Okay, can I finally leave now and go get our coffee?” I watch my young slab of sexiness sequestered in stretchies about to rupture, tapping painted toes on entrance tiles, flapping the front door like she’s staving off my morning breath.

“No, not mocha . . . I want white chocolate this time.” After a histrionic door slam Katrina stomps down the sidewalk toward the car without bothering to heed my last request. “I know she’s going to get it wrong.”

As I rearrange our kitchen counter, sans broken coffeepot, an unrecognizable whooshing phenomenon flings dried banana and orange peels into a whirlwind of mystery outside. I poke my head out the kitchen door to see a Genie emerging from broken shards of glass and plastic bits swept across the compost pile.

“Wow! This old coffeepot was a relic, for sure . . . if I’m not mistaken it used to belong to Katrina’s aunt, some kind of psychic séance queen from the new age era of the eighties.” I mutter aloud to the gathering swirling entity, looking more and more like Casper the ghost all the while.

“You are correct! Yes I can read your mind . . . I AM Casper the ghost! When I used to be Casper in the flesh, I lived here in this very house with Katrina’s aunt, back when we used to have wild orgies fueled by psychogenic mushrooms.”

“Since you’re a ghost, evidently Casper didn’t survive those tempestuous times.”

“No, sadly I did not. After munching a bitter peyote button, I dived from a boulder into the river and cracked my head wide open on the rocky bottom.”

“I hear that happens pretty often around these parts. I never should’ve married into this zany family and moved across the country to inhabit their hillbilly haven. My buddies convinced me only a young bride could keep my weenie properly whacked. Now I can’t remember how long I’ve been self-whacking.”

“As you may suspect, I’m the Genie living in this old biddy’s coffeepot for the last century or so. This is my last chance to grant a wish.” Casper continues his sullied swirl and sweep across the compost pile.

“HEY! Don’t I get three wishes like every other Genie would grant?”

“I’m sorry but I already granted my first two wishes long long ago. I’ve been waiting all these decades to finish my trilogy of wishes so I can finally advance to the next realm of improbable caprice.”

“Well, I guess one wish is better than none. My biggest regret in life is being tethered to this immature b***h people call my wife. More and more I wonder what it would be like to tangle with a truly experienced cougar.”

“So you want to tangle with a cougar, do ya?” The wispy curl of ghost essence at the top of Casper’s swirling form seems to leap like freshly-stoked flames.

“I’ve heard the older ones actually enjoy fellating a fine shaft like mine.” I put my hand down my pants to stroke my neglected old buddy a little bit.

“So you want to have your weenie shredded, do ya?” At this, Casper crosses his arms and does a staged head nod with “I Dream of Jeannie” panache. Right afterwards the ghost disappears, never again to float amongst my ether flow.

“Oh well, such is life. Why was I standing here talking to a ghost anyway? I shoulda known this stupid Genie thing would end up being old school magic. What was I thinking?” Mumbling aloud I watch the clock, “Will Katrina ever get her bouncy a*s back here with some coffee sometime today?”

Soon I hear a snarfling snuffling growl outside by the compost pile. Gazing out the kitchen window, I spot a huge muscular cat with its long thick tail curling and uncurling at a menacing tempo. This predator is snorting blood splatters from my earlier coffeepot fiasco. Pressing my nose to the glass, I rap my knuckles loudly against the window, trying to shoo away this wild cat.

CRRRRASSSHHH! SPLAT! Tinkle! Ba-dinkle! YOWZA! SUNNNUVABITCH!

The window shatters from my overzealous banging and suddenly I’m nose-to-nose with a growling snarling intruder. She shoves her sandpaper paw down my bicep and I’m too scared to murmur “ouch!” so I bite my lip until the blood drips down into crimson curls along bleeding gashes soothed by cat claw caresses. Me and this wild kitty hold that pose for a long freakin’ time.

“Oh crap! Please don’t hurt me!” Here I am pleading with a woodland creature and I haven’t even knocked back anything mind-altering yet this morning. I’m so glad Katrina isn’t here to see me doing this. She’d have me locked up in the loony bin and then enjoy the fruits of all my money. Damn I’d sure love a swig of something hot and wet. Where the hell is Katrina?

“I’m grrrrrowlingly frowning Mr. Crowley” with unintelligible jangles reverberating from this cat’s tongue, I bend over to kiss my a*s goodbye . . . but this ardent kitty beats me to the punch with a chin-crimp to the crotch. Within seconds the faded fabric of my jeans is shredded and she’s doing a fang-fandangle on my shaft. Whoa! So the wise old Genie kept his word after all!

“Could you ease up on the fang action down there, honey buns?” I glance down at a tapestry of cherry splatters flung by writhing squirting blood vessels torn free. Strangely this feels incredible! My dick has never felt harder, except that there’s actually no dick down there anymore. I swear I’m on the verge of orgasm and I can’t decide whether to milk it a little longer and risk needing a blood transfusion before I finish . . . or should I just consider a bird in the hand is better than a bloody crotch shredded by cougar fangs?

I knew this wasn’t going to last . . . I can never last when I’m finally getting the royal treatment. I’ve got cotton mouth like the dentist had my jaw cranked open and stuffed full of cotton logs for two hours already. I feel faint . . . I knew this couldn’t last . . . where the hell is Katrina with my coffee?




© 2018 barleygirl



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Featured Review

OMG...holy s**t. I am grasping at my crotch and laughing hysterically at the same time...lol. Not unusual in my world, but not in this way hoping against all hopes that my last HJ wouldn't be quite this rough. It is so funny that you wrote this because I often sit and consider that if I had three wishes or one, how I would word them to avoid this exact type of situation and what the rules would be for wording them. You are definitely feeling your oats today Girly Q. Not sure I have ever read anything this bloody and this funny all at the same time. Great fun Margie!!! Lol...angry husbands...

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

Your wholehearted appreciation tastes even better than my morning coffee! *glug! glug! glug!* I’m .. read more



Reviews

How hilarious this is! I've never seen the phrase "Bite me" be taken so literally (or so kinkily). The petty arguing in the beginning was amusing enough to read, but the ensuing scene had my complete attention. The vivid, rather unpleasant, descriptions of the kitty lovin' was a bizarre mix of horrifying and humorous, and I was never sure if I should feel bad for the old sod. I must remember never to tangle with a cougar.

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

3 Months Ago

Your depiction of how my story came across is one of the best gifts I've gotten in awhile here! *smi.. read more
This was hilarious... :)
Laughing .... and laughing more...
Thanks for writing it...
Margie...you are simply too good...
:))


Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

Why thank you so much! And I’m glad you find this funny, cuz I do! Some days, dark humor is the be.. read more
This is just too funny, Margie. Love the title too. Clever. This entire write could be a sit-com on TV....and it would be a hit! When you talked directly to the reader, it was divine. Just loved it from beginning to end. Lydi**

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

Lately, I’ve been in the mood to dabble with some Halloween creepiness, even tho autumn isn’t cl.. read more
Are you sure you are not an honorary Brit? And they say the yanks have no appreciation of this kind of humour. Not true. Obviously not true. I enjoyed every single word of this.
By the way apropos of nothing at all have you ever seen this. Sorry about the length as the Bishop said to the actress.
How to give a cat a pill ... and a dog, too

How to give a cat a pill:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

Wrap it in cheese.


Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

It seems to be a waste, to have this amazing ditty posted here . . . it’s definitely good enuf to .. read more
Ken Simm.

4 Months Ago

Didn't write it unfortunately. Don't know who did. Did have cats in my first marriage, probably why .. read more
barleygirl

4 Months Ago

anticipating . . .
And so Clive Barker writes an episode of "I Love Lucy"! (Only I know it was you) Scalding coffee, broken glass, tormenting wife and shredded goodies--this hurt all the way through. A slide down a fifty-foot razor blade into a tube of rubbing alcohol might have felt better! Now I have to check my britches for needles and thorns--something is sticking me.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

You are hilarious! You still have an ample helping of outrageousness in there, that’s clamoring to.. read more
Samuel Dickens

4 Months Ago

Oh, yeah, I love that Trumpy balloon! (I'd never change that diaper!)
barleygirl

4 Months Ago

LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ditto to Crowley- OMG Margie! Well-written, raunchy tale- very reminiscent of Paul Bell. X-rated “I Dream of Genie” spoof - graphic and hilarious. Excellent first-person style, flow, seamless transitions. The language and ‘asides’ are so comical! Imagery is bold, erotic- but with great use of dry- or not so dry- humor. Haaaaaa- what a story!:)))

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

I know it sounds weird, but it works off a lot of angst when I write a story like that. The angst I.. read more
barleygirl

4 Months Ago

By the way, Gee & Paul have been tweakin' my freak lately with their outlandish stuff! *wink! wink!*
Annette Pisano-Higley

4 Months Ago

Gee & Paul are such Bad Boys- in a good way!! Yes, I think we’re all trying to ‘escape’ the po.. read more
Hey, you got me babe...and so ya did....Nobody does it better... I am still laughing me patches off and you know where they were pinned... An exceptionally hilarious, must read for anyone who is either bored, wants cheering up, has a thing about feline frolics, wonders what taking a nib of mescal might be like but is too scared to try and loads of other reasons too... In fact, there is no excuse good enough to excuse you from reading this.... There, my rant runneth over, Bless ya Margie..............................Neville x

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

It never fails to amaze me how your words (title of this piece) can send me over a waterfall of adve.. read more
Neville Pettitt

4 Months Ago

No knack nor skill but luck a plenty, and always a pleasure... this guy feeds on the nugs you lob hi.. read more
How many magic mushrooms did it take to write like this, Margie> Can you email me some, please? ..N
The ingenious, or ingenuous genie
Made quite a mess of his rampant weeny
Penned autobiographically
The moral of your story just has to be
The craziest giggle I've seen,...*tee,hee*
And even as a staid and aged Brit.
I LOVED the twist of the "cougar" bit.!

(((Hugs )))




Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

Your opening guess is so close to the truth! A friend sent me a “care package” for my birthday, .. read more
i find the story quite humorous actually it is more like a satire to me but then whatever things you write about will always be interesting to me

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

I never realized how funny macabre writing can be until about a year ago when I got into a Halloween.. read more
well at least Katrina can be rid of his nasty arse… as well as …. er… she might throw him on that compost so he finally serves a useful purpose as fertilizer.... ;0)

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

4 Months Ago

I love profiling weird people . . . I’ve always been attracted to the oddballs! Maybe that’s why.. read more
redzone

4 Months Ago

ME!!!! WEIRD!!!!! why Margie are you flirting with me???? lol...
barleygirl

4 Months Ago

No way . . . you only come out to play on Fridays *smile*

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Added on July 10, 2018
Last Updated on July 10, 2018

Author

barleygirl
barleygirl

Central Coast, CA



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