Rose of the Night

Co-written by BLBrown and Rick Puetter. Use of imagery, abstract, and concrete to convey one's dying plea to a healing star.

Diseased--Oh, I’m dying, most beautiful star, 

I turn to you, humbly, though I live afar.

Can you, in your glory, please spare me disease?

Shine blessed rays, graceful, on ' soul--heal me please!

 

I looked to Polaris, but prayed there in vain,

Then looked to Arcturus--was turned down in shame.

Still fangs of dire cancer eat me inside out

Thus turn to you, stranger, brave star of the south.

 

Oh, Sigma Ocantis, though you’re not as bright,

O'er north-star, Polaris, I laud your gold light.

Please heal me, and guide me, though you shine afar,

You’ve saved many others, south-mariner star!

 

Oh, take me, enfold me--pour sweet healing wine,

And I’ll drink your light from our galaxy’s vine.

I call you, and beg you, in oft pleaded verse,

Bloom of cosmic garden, please end diseased curse!

 

Like child, I lie helpless, and beg with this prayer,

Please spare me this darkness--this lot I can’t bear!

In fear, desperation, I’m seeking your light,

Need radiant healing, kind Rose of the Night!

 

 

©2012 Barbara Brown and Richard Puetter

each and individually.

Author's Note

Awards

Illuminate Writing Contest 3rd Place

Reviews

[Legion]

Much much better. You two do well with this. Sorry I've been off site for a bit. The last line of the 4th stanza might sound better if you use "diseased curse" instead of "disease curse". I think it would flow easier that way. I am curious, have you looked into B17 therapy. I don't know much about it myself and have just stumbled across it a few nights ago, but it sounds interesting. I am interested to know more about this and if it can do what little I have heard about it to cancer. If you haven't, I would suggest looking into it just in case. Can't hurt even if it turns out to be hogwash. Pardon expression. Kudos to you and Rick on the piece.

[Leigh]

Youve got some great galactic references in here and I really nice flow, this type of work takes a great deal of imagination and operates in the abstract form mostly. All I can say as a comment is that I would use less commas

[BLBrown]

Thanks so much for your review. This was a collaboration between Rick Peutter and myself as the note states. It was an intensive and honest but joyful write.

I'll check out the commas! Thanks!

[Lydia]

I love this. Ah, the power of poetry!

[Relic]

I found this to be very imaginative with good rhyming and rhythm. I also discovered something I never noticed before. By taking the first sentence, then the last, you come up with a complete thought. Then do the same for the next line and the next. It looks something like this:

I'm diseased and I’m dying, oh, beautiful star, (1)
‘Need your rays' radiant healing, kind rose of the night! (20)
So I turn to you, humbly, though I live afar. (2)
For in fear, desperation, I’m seeking your light, (19)

Oh, can you, in your glory, please spare me disease, (3)
Don’t desert me in darkness, my despair I can’t bear! (18)
Like a child, I lie helpless, and plead with this prayer, (4)
Shine your kind, blessed rays on my soul--heal me please? (17)

Very nicely done.

[Legion]

This one is good in intent, but honestly a bit sappy in the way it was written for my tastes. I think you would do better to scrap the rhyme scheme and just let it flow from the heart. Go free verse and I feel it would sing like a zephyr through a wind chime. Just remember to keep the intent. Can't go wrong with that part. In case I haven't mentioned it yet (which I might have and can't remember), read my piece "On Writing Love Poems". It explains what I mean better as well as the author's note. If you do rewrite this let me know and I re-review it for you.