over head

loveless sex

her softness eludes me
like the punchline
of an ill timed joke
it breezes
right past my open arms
and there
i am left standing
wearing a lost look
beckoning
a lost love

Reviews

[Chelemar]

I like where you are going with this.
Though I suggest, for imagery sake that you change "right past my open arms" to something above the head of the speaker to keep to the theme you have established. Also, in the last line, I think a different modifier other than a repeat of the word "lost" here could work better and give a more heart felt impact.

i am left standing
wearing a lost look
beckoning (I really like how you have that on a line by itself! It creates emotion and tension!)

Now for the modifier... is she really lost or did the speaker have her at all? Or perhaps you could change the "lost" look. Is the speaker lost or ... perhaps confused? He missed the whole point, so what really is his state of mind?

I like that you use "it breezes" almost as though the speaker is just inches away from his desire...as though it were on the tip of his tongue but not quite there.

Thank you for sharing this, I enjoyed it very much. It's simple yet powerful.

[Tubaab]

If only I could say as much in so few words

[Matt Shriver]

So much powerful in such few lines. This poem was amazing. Well done. Can't wait to see what coming up next.

[sarah]

so short but so powerful! good work

[KatiePie]

"like the punchline
of an ill timed joke"
This was such a well used metaphor, I adored it.
This is such a sad poem, yet it is so beautiful and I'm thankful for it's honesty, because it doesn't sugar-coat the truth of your situation.
Great write!
-Cathrine