The hermit's Curse

Ravi lived in the most posh house in Natrangpuri. It was located at the outskirts of the town, away from the river. Ravi was the second wealthiest bloke in Natrangpuri. He manufactured slippers and shoes.

His business prospered by the grace of god. His slippers and shoes were sold in Mumbai, Chennai, Kolkata and many more obscure corners of India.

He liked to sing. It was his hobby. He even did shows once a year at the town hall. Every night from 10 to 1, he would retire to a shed just outside his rear boundary of his house. He had instructed his servants not to disturb him, but to always be close.

      ***

   One night, sitting on the mud floor as he always did, Ravi was absorbed in singing a divine melody. He was so absorbed that he didn’t even hear footsteps arrive at the rear door of the cubicle, which opened directly out in the forest.

When his song ended, there was a knock at his door.

“Who is there?” Ravi asked. He knew it was not one of his servants.

  “I am a poor traveller, a hermit sir. I am travelling south, after I descended from the peaks of the mighty Himalayas.” Replied the hermit.

   “What do you want?” asked Ravi.

“Oh sir! What shall I say? I was going through the town in the evening  when my sandals broke. I went to the cobbler but he said they were irreparable. He said you could give me one pair of sandals as you are very generous.”

“You shouldn’t have come right now. Come tomorrow, I am busy right now.”

No reply came from the other side. Ravi resumed.

When he finished another song, there was another knock on the door.

“What is it? Why don’t you go away? Come tomorrow”

“Oh how well you sing! You may not give me slippers but please let me hear your singing”

Ravi was enraged. He didn’t let anybody come near him when he was practising. And how the hermit asked to hear him sing!

“Go away. If you want slippers, come tomorrow. Please don’t disturb me.”

“Ok. I am going away now. But remember, you won’t be able to wear slippers from tomorrow.”

Ravi heard footsteps disappear into the night.

     ***

It was nearing to midnight. Ravi was still singing. Stars shined high above in the hot summer sky.

The heat inside the cubicle was unbearable. Ravi opened the rear door a little ton let in air. Then he resumed his singing.

Outside, a king cobra slithered on the ground. He saw a strip of light in front of him. Like a moth is attracted towards light, the snake was attracted by the light. He moved towards the light, determined to find its source.

Ravi sat with his back to the rear door. While he sang, the cobra slithered inside.

The snake got afraid seeing Ravi. Following his instinct, he bit Ravi’s left leg.

Ravi screamed with such loudness that birds on the nearby trees started to fly.

This made the cobra more afraid. He bit Ravi’s right leg. 

A servant, who was nearby, broke the door and entered the cubicle. He saw his master sprawled across the floor. Another servant came to help him. They carried him to the main building. A person was sent to call the doctor.

When the doctor arrived, he examined Ravi as fast as he could. The venom had completely engulfed both of his knees.

“I have to perform a surgery. He has lost both of his legs. To save him, I have to cut both of his legs.”

In the morning when Ravi woke up from the trance of his anaesthesia, the doctor told him what had happened.

Since that day, Ravi never even hummed the tune of a song.

 

Author's Note

please ignore grammar problems. more stories coming up!

Reviews

[Rosie Brooklin]

This is a very creative story, with a good moral behind it. I appreciate the individuality and the idea behind this piece.

My only critiques would be:

1) Watch out for repetition. It can be distracting and take away from the story.

2) Work on varying sentence length. When you use multiple short sentences next to each other, it takes away from the flow of the story, and makes it less enjoyable.

3) Perhaps you should consider making the lesson of the story a little more clear at the end; maybe wrap the story up a little bit more.

Other than that, great job! The dialogue was very good, and I enjoyed reading the story. You set it up very well. A lot of the writing tips I mentioned earlier will come naturally as you get older and become more practiced with writing, so don't worry!

~Rosie

[Bhargav]

Thank you ma'am. I will surely implement your suggestions.