My October....

Pages from my diary :)

 

 

..

 

 

My October…

 

 

7^th October, 2006

 

I opened my eyes with the smell of fresh ammonia in the waiting lounge of ICU ward of the Apollo hospital. It was around 1’o clock in the afternoon and I already lost all of my senses at that point of time. I was totally unaware about the time when I last slept or the last time when I went to my home. Since, my entire mind was concentrating on one person who was fighting with death in that ICU ward. My heart was constantly praying for her and my eyes were continuously staring at her beautiful face across the glass wall of the ward.

 

I never actually thought of loving someone like this. But I changed all of my plans with my life after I met her. When her eyes met mine, I realized that I was inevitably in love with her. But now, my love was lying down in front of my eyes, fighting with the immortal bereavement.

 

The worst thing in this world is not at all when the person whom you love doesn’t love you back. But, it’s to see the love of your existence dying in front of your eyes and that too so helplessly…

 

I went back to my home after sometime and then decided to have a shower. As I was standing barely unprotected under the shower, I could feel the intensity of every drop hitting my bruised and wounded soul. I looked at the mirror and I was unable to recognize my own reflection. My smile was totally vanished and my eyes were bursting red saturated by tears.

 

I was lost…lost without my love…my existence...

 

 __________________________________________

 

 

7^th October, 2009

 

Three years before this day, I realized that “the love of my existence” won’t be able to live anymore with me on this mortal world.

I was right…

On 24^th December, 2006- she breathed her last breath.

 

It has been entirely three years now and life really changed me a lot. It taught me that, it doesn’t matter that with how much passion you love someone but at one day…they can leave out of your life forever. This life also taught me that sometimes our love can meet the finality of death and into a new beginning of life.

 

Today, I was standing at a different city, with totally different people surrounding me from everywhere. It was the inauguration of a new sport complex of my institution and obviously I was the one who was least interested in attending that ceremony. The reason is not that I don’t like places or any celebrations like that. But I genuinely do not like myself being surrounded by people from everywhere or … maybe; I’m still not able to stand on my own in a crowd. Because, this somehow reminds me of her…I imagine her running towards me crossing everyone from the crowd. But, as soon as I realize the reality…I was not able to stand on my own legs.

 

So, I informed a very supportive senior that I would be leaving that place. He didn’t ask me any reason and that was really very kind of him. I left that place immediately and came back to the college and started talking with some friends (obviously, to distract my mind). The day passed by somehow and I thanked god to prevent the out-bursting of my emotions.

 

When I came back to my home, I went to have a shower. Each and every drop was hitting me with a greater intensity than the previous one. I sat down and folded my hands through my body, trying to hold on each and every piece of mine to not to shatter again. But then, I looked back again at the mirror. It’s been completely three years now…and I was still not able to recognize myself. I tried to hold on my pieces but that became impossible for me.

 

Thus…today, I did something which I didn’t do in this past entire year.

 

With my red and conflicted eyes buried with sadness, I cried…

 

I cried my eyes out for you…The love of my existence, my immortal…. …

 

Author's Note

This is a part of my diary from both days...
And I do not know why have I written this or why have I posted it here...
It doesn't make any sense I guess...or does it??
I don't know anything right now...because I'm not even making any sense of myself...

Reviews

[TamiViolet]

The cleansing took place in both instances.....quite symbolic. Oh, yes, it does make perfect sense. You held back the tears for as long as you could.... But tears as powerful as yours eventually manifest themselves.
Similarly, not recognizing your own reflection makes sense. After trauma, we change.....

My dear friend, you write of this beautiful girl that has touched your world as no one else. Although it didn't last, consider yourself lucky to have experienced that deep, deep love. And she loved you back. She always be a part of you as I'm sure you already know.

Thank you for sharing this very intimate part of your life. You're truly a special young man, and I am honored to know you, Bhavya...

[Sonali]

Thanks for sharing this personal experience,there r a couple of grammatical errors but who cares when ur heart is pouring out and relaxing you.its a touching piece and I noticed u wrote the love of ur existence and not ur life ,Iguess life lost meaning for u.she'll be immortal to you,i know.

[54321]

Well i am glad you posted this. I have had an incredibly difficult night. Or at least I thought I was having a hard time until I read this. October 7th is my birthday which is why I was originally drawn to this form your profile page. Then I read it and its really sad. I don't mean to make light of your struggles but It helped me feel better. I hope you're life is filled with a bit more joy than these two days. Thanks for sharing your story... really.

[Brokensoul]

Its painful I empathize with you completely. I read it twice to get the intensity of the feeling that you bear in your heart.

[Kieran James McGovern]

This is very moving, and I understand the feeling. I'm sorry this happeed, but thanks for sharing nonetheless.

immortal bereavement - i like that image, very clever, yet true and simple as reality

[Demetria.Ro$e.Hathaway]

grate story
I like this :)

[JENY]

I like the way you express your inner world....
It is amazing......I love it....

[SoulofManyFaces]

So, I am assuming this is based on a true story. This is very sad. It's
like you lost apart of yourself why loving someone else. No one
should ever loose themselves just to love someone else.
It's like you are slowly forgetting who you are...like looking in
a mirror, you didn't even recognize yourself.

There is a lot of pain here, agony of losing someone, yet there
seems to be two deaths....one of the other, and one of you.
Just my opinion. This poem does make one think.

[Ladysue]

This touched me so deeply. Very moving and heartfelt. I especially loved this part as it speaks of tremendous loss, yet hope...

It has been entirely three years now and life really changed me a lot. It taught me that, it doesn't matter that with how much passion you love someone but at one day�they can leave out of your life forever. This life also taught me that sometimes our love can meet the finality of death and into a new beginning of life.

Just so beautifully written about someone that captured your heart endlessly...I love it!!!

[Michael X]

Bhavya, it is amazing, the way you wake up the senses, and enlivin the reader, you have a way with verbage, descriptions that bring the meaning to life, i completely felt consumed,, being a transcript, i felt like the victim per say, the patient, waiting for the nurse. inm so many words, but in every regards it is taken.
brilliant, keep it up!

[Dana Kathryn]

This is Beautiful!!! It made me cry good tears,this piece really hit inside of my soul,very strongly! Very good writing,full of compassion and detail...I Like your work very much Bhavya! Dana-