If I Were to Write You a Letter

Homesickness of the heart; am I doing the right thing even though my happiness has been sacrificed at its expense?

Is it childish to settle?

I promise, it is not me being lazy, 

but me being homesick.

Right now, I am away for the romanticized 

idea of a better life"but I am 

confused.

I wish to be back home for its simple life 

and happiness"I was assured.

Ambition? Or Contentment?

Some days, I wonder if it is childish 

to settle into life and just live. I just graduated 

high school, and over the summer, I got 

a taste of the working life. I did not 

have to worry about lack of sleep, 

terrible food, stressful quizzes, and so 

forth. My biggest responsibility 

was work, usually in the mornings, and 

the rest of the day was mine. The money 

I made was mine. The money I make for 

work study now? I don’t even get to 

see it, it goes straight to my tuition. 

It isn’t me being lazy, but 

I am rightfully tired. I hate running 

around all the time, I hate feeling like 

I don't have enough time. I am living 

the romanticized dream of working now 

to play later. I am not even 

guaranteed a job. Let’s compare. 

Here, I have a chance at a college education. 

Friends from home? Nope. 

Boyfriend? No. 

Family? Nuh-uh. 

It’s just me and my new friends. 

What do I imagine?

I could manage this a lot better if 

I had you to look forward to 

at the end of the day.

I imagine living with you, the man 

who cared for me at my all time low. 

The man who looked past a damaged package, 

nursing its contents, inspiring her to try 

again. I imagine returning to 

work as a server, I miss the golden 

customers that always made my day. 

I miss them. I miss serving them. 

I miss joking in the back with my coworkers 

and contributing to the teamwork that 

ultimately makes the dream work. 

I miss my money. My tips, my checks, 

I miss having my own. 

But, there is nothing I miss more than the man 

I left back at home. It is a disservice 

to leave your title as “boyfriend’. To that man 

back there, you are a soulmate. My heart 

only wishes to shower you with three 

big words, but my mind bites my tongue. 

You first. 

I allowed you to nurse me back, but 

I am still healing. I wouldn’t dare 

take those steps where I cannot see your eyes 

light up, but we are still young. 

It’s the itch of a healing scar.

I am still so young, I always mention 

this, but it is because I am aware. 

Me, could you settle with this man for now, 

and get married to him in the future?

As things are going, in the youthfulness 

of our relationship, I could. The distance 

truly has been a test of self-control, 

honesty, and trust. It has kept me sane. 

With that said, if we continue as we 

are now, honest and true to one another, 

I could marry you. After all, you have 

weathered the worst with me, we deserve 

sunny days together.

I can’t tell you just yet, 

but 

I think 

I might be in love with 

you.