I Pretend

I smile, because if I didn't, you'd ask...even if you didn't care.

I smile because if I didn’t, you’d ask.

I pretend to smile
and I nod
I agree
but I disagree
I am quiet
But I’m loud
Or is that all inside my mind?
I don’t dare speak
Afraid of breaking the image
Of me and my happiness

I pretend I’m this
or this or that
I’m so weak inside
Your words do hurt
I just never let you know how much it does
Enough to make me squeeze my heart
and wonder if the pain of taking it out…
is greater than what it feels now

I pretend I love silence
It f*****g scares me
when I’m silent, it’s when everything happens
Dark thoughts come back
Hateful words directed at myself
Can’t remember anymore
The taste of pure and unconditional happiness

I pretend I’m happy
even though I still get sad
for no apparent reason
Can’t think, can’t stop
without sadness plauging my thoughts
darkness clouding my mind

I pretend I’m having fun
while I’m actually lonely
And sad and hurt
lost, confused, scared
of myself, and of you

I pretend I’m confident
Hide my self-worth
Be loud to overcome the silence
Fill my life with meaningless noise

I pretend I’m busy
Too busy to deal
with all these f*****g thoughts

I pretend I’m carefree
like nothing weighs me down.

I pretend…oh who even f*****g cares?

No one.
I know now.
Absolutely no one
f*****g cares