The Chandler Family

life is a tragedy and comedy,just take it as it is..its fun,do as you like..a very deep drama,read carefully,hard to write so much inner feelings..

It was a small house in the country where Andrea lived with her husband and 3-year old daughter  .                  Andrea was a lovely lady who kept her body in good shape even though she was aged 35,tall face always looking so humerous,she had known life would never be easy, always taking it easy ,never the hard way; she had very beautiful eyes - wide and smiling, always moving around as if fearing something to happen any time.
She came out of her room to the hall, very beautifully dressed in jeans that showed well her lovely legs, and a white shirt, which showed how generous nature was with her. Hair so thick, rolling at her shoulders; if you'd seen her, you would say 'oh what a charmer'.                               She was very attentive to her family, keeping everything in order; a very meticulous woman and yet so neurotic about her house being clean...always nagging with her husband, for reason or no reason, but she knew she loved him, and still better, knew he loved her. He could never stand her being away from home, just like a child.
She smiles, when she remembers his longing and fearing to stay without her at home. Oh, he is such a baby, and damn, he is gaining weight. I've told him so many times to take long walks around the garden, cut down on your meals, but no he just sits there in his armchair, always reading a book almost all day, except when we are having an argument - he cannot read and argue you know ...and his stupid jealousy, and of whom? Of a Gardener: James.                                                                     Oh, how silly he is. Pondering, yes I will keep ridiculing him about it; a gardener, ha.
Then, her face flushing: oh James, this young man, is so healthy looking, so well built; when I come close I don't know what's wrong with me, I shake all over, I cannot keep my hands still, and my heart goes throbbing like crazy. Oh stupid, you could be as old as his mother, he is only 21years, 3years he has been working for us, and oh, what the hell, this Emily (my daughter), I am sure she is out there talking to him. I've scolded her many times not to; don't talk to grown up people.
Now smiling to herself slyly (as if he is a stranger), but then a sudden worried look spreads all through her face.
John should not take heed of this. The mother then the daughter, he would think, most of the day out there with him. He will say, 'What's keeping you there all this time, something interesting?" with a malicious smile but then, oh that other night I went there, to bring him his dinner; I was in a rush, so I was in my night gown - how silly of me. When I went into his room, he was without his shirts, oh that lovely nakedness. I could only steal some hasty looks: so muscular, beautiful skin, those rounded shoulders; so manly a composure that I felt a little out of balance, so I thought I would leave quickly, but he said he wanted to ask me some questions about buying certain tools for gardening (as if I ever cared). I looked as if deeply interested in what he had to say about the gardening tools, when all I could think of were his nice shoulders, and such a strength, and try keep my eyes averted all the time…
Well, I said, "Ok." I tried to keep my eyes away. It was so awkward, he seemed to notice, and smiled slyly. Oh how I hate him for this, he knows my weak points - I hardly could open my mouth, as then I said "Please put something on, it is not right."
He took a long time to answer; he just stared at me sizing me up from head to foot. Why, now I really lost all control, I was really shaking. He came closer. "What's wrong?" he said. I almost felt a faint, so I took to the nearest chair. He came to me. "You are so weak and frail."
He brought me some water, handed me the cup, but I could never hold it straight, hands shaking madly. I was completely out of balance, felt very vulnerable, so he brought the water close to my lips, held my chin and kept it still, and made me drink slowly. I felt as if he was handling me like a child. I was all in sweat, some water fell down my naked neck; he was over me, my nighty was so low cut I was sure all my breasts were open to his looks.
He put the glass away, took my head in his arms, now so tense and strong, and kissed me hard. I almost felt out of breath, I thought even if he chokes me like that, I would like to die in his hands. I could feel him help me settle on his bed, I could hardly walk, he was coming near, but then I knew and came to my senses, so I jumped up like mad. And I fell to the ground.
It was so funny, I was lying there on my butt, wholly red in the face, my nighty came up to my waist. "What's the matter with you?" he said, so I stood up quick to my feet.
"Oh listen James," I started, "I have made up my mind: you will leave work here. I arranged it with my family, they need a gardener. My brother is coming tomorrow, I am going with him there, you will wait 3 weeks then ask my husband permission to leave - don't leave right after me or he will doubt there is something. Don't worry, the pay is even better there, my family already like you, I told them about you," my voice still shaking. "You will be ok." He was silent then, said - and I was afraid of that, but I listened - he said, "Don't want to leave, I love you, and you forget, Emily"
"Oh no," I said. "Never mention her, if anybody knew you would kill him, my poor husband. Listen carefully, I will say this, I love him so much, love my husband, I just make scenes so he won't notice what's going on, he is not stupid you know, and I think he is wondering all the time. Listen, I love him a lot, can never stand him getting hurt."
Then, as if to herself, like whispering, as in a trance, "Oh he is like a baby, so fragile," her eyes went soft, reminiscing, as if she was not there. "Very sensitive he is, if this is known he will either go mad or die. Coming out of her transe, she said, listen, dear," she turned to her Gardner now. In a mild but stern voice, she said, "James, you are still young."
Now she is in full control as if talking to some small child she happened to bump into on the street corner, so she said: "I could be your mother if you count my age huh huh. I know dear what happened 3 years ago, it was wrong I know, my mistake, the whole thing should never have happened, it was 3 weeks of sheer madness, and the silly thing about it I stopped having my period right after, such a calamity, but this stops here dear, you lovely child," she said almost mocking him; she saw he was a little hurt. "I mean it," now in a shrill voice as if yelling at him. "You are young, will easily find a wife one day who will take care of you"
"Oh no, I want you," he said, and as if talking to himself "Oh you b***h you are mocking me now, just remember the way you used to follow me even almost implore me to take you to bed, but wait, she is not a fool I know, she is smart, I think she was looking for it to get pregnant, this was a set up all the way - oh what a fool I am - so she gets the pleasure of making her have a child, I was just a tool, she was the wife, the mistress, the lover and later the mother, so she has got it all oh what a snake, but what can I do, I have a crush on her, if she just agree to just do it one more time, oh no you stupid, you should have learned, she knows how to pull me where ever she likes, oh you devious woman" She saw he was thinking, again she came hard on him, "NO," she said, this time it was almost in a stern, hard cutting voice that she cried and yelled; he was almost afraid.
Oh men, she thought to herself, they are all like babies really like this kid, he is just a boy, all I wanted to conceive from him, the idiot he never thought it but I did love him for a while, and then in bed he was super she thought, blushing as she remembered the long agonizing nights, full of pain and pleasure from early night till morning. You think John ever knew about this, I used to make excuses to my absence from home but he is not that stupid, so that fox, I am almost sure he knew, and I poor soul worrying myself to death so I can make him a child he could not have,
"and Emily?" he said. She was away in thought; he brought her back to life. She smiled in a very funny way, so many emotions on her face, one taking place of the other. Foxy John, he made use of both of us we were just a play in his hand; he knew how to pull it all through and make me feel guilty while he sat there and enjoyed the show. Oh you filth, but I can't back up now. She looked at him. "You will see her," she said, "I will send her to her grandpa's home every now and then. Tomorrow I leave with my brother pretending a fight with my husband. I will stay 3 weeks - "
He then interrupted, "And I will not see you again?"
"NO dear, I said this stops here, or we will ruin ourselves, my family, and my dear lovely husband." She laughed to herself. He was not dear or lovely as I thought him, she told herself. "Yes you will see her, but me, here is the last time you see me. Even if I come to my father's house and you are there, I don't want you around. Please take a leave while I am there." She looked at him, a tear in her eyes. It was not really real, she thought, maybe he will listen to my tears. And she was sad she was played with, and she thought she was pulling all ropes in her hand, this was a last goodbye, she told him; she knew she was doing the right thing. She stood there for a while as the last look must be warm huh huh, she tried her best so at least he will have a good memory of her, while he stood there thinking, you vicious woman you ruined my life, played with me, now you want to take my child. I know I will hardly see her any more.

The silly one, he thinks as if I want that, she thought, to change things as they are, if it was for me I would go to bed with him right there huh huh, just for the pleasure of it. Oh he was something when really together on that sheet of sin, but no stupid ,she told herself, you will ruin everything, and you know if you let him for just one last time then the animal in him will go so wild and he may give me another child, huh huh. John would love to have a brother to Emily, but he will not have it his way now - again the sly smile on her face , no, better settle for one child ,I don’t like big families anyway ha ha, he does not deserve another one. It's I who make them, he will not fool me again ,it's not as if he is telling where is Emily father, no he will be sorry and will cry in my arms, again playing his game with me, I am sure he will come and apologize that he cannot give me a child, even thank me for the Emily I brought him, oh but that's so crazy, but I am sure, almost, he would.Oh sweet John, sweet and stupid, sweet because stupid, because you thought you could outsmart me, that will be so romantic, though crazy, but love is crazy and romance, oh john sweet John ,no I will never leave you but I will make it like hell for you huh huh,she was almost crazy now, just wait, yes James is great you know, really great, and everything, but no I lived with John ,and I will die with him, or kill him for this, one day ,oh the poor dear I told him I am mad at him, being skeptical about my whereabouts, I was in a fury, I of course pretended as so and took some china vase, oh it was so dear to me ,but I selected the least expensive one, from the small table I put there for the scene (oh sly woman, she thought), yes I am so resourceful, so in a fury I told him I am leaving with my brother tomorrow for 3 weeks, I will think it over then I will decide; I put some tears into my eyes, and for some reason, I was sobbing so hard, that was not in the scene - I think I already began to miss James and his strong hugs and kisses, and you know ,his youth, but this poor John if really thought I am leaving him as smart as he thinks he is, even if for just a while, he will kill himself or go nuts but wait a second. Why should I trouble myself making this scene of leaving? I said I will get to him, I will make him suffer for his trick.
Smiled to herself, oh you naughty woman, go for it. She was heading for the door slowly; he was following her with his eye, moving strangely. This woman is nuts somehow, he thought, then put her hand on the lock and locked it, and as she turned around she let her slip fall off; she stood for a while looking at him, and then looking at nowhere.
"What?" he said. She is crazy, my God, no telling what she's up to now.
She said in a very sweet voice, "Oh James, yes, I tried so hard to convince myself, that I can leave you, but now I know I can never do."
He was so angry, but seeing her like that and remembering the lovely nights, he just could not avert his eyes. What do you mean we go like before, he thought, then she was not bluffing - oh the poor dear, I made her so great injustice, I have to make up for her. He pulled her arm so hard, and threw her so hard to bed; he almost broke one of her ribs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

you know this was supposed to be a play ,i thought it will be lengthy so i changed my mind

Reviews

[Rain]

Moyaed,
I am not a great editor, but before I put this out there, I would work on how many comma's you use. Plus. you use this alot ,,, it should be .... Also, you need help in using periods. Instead of commas, use a period and start another sentence. I think the story line is pretty good. There are many good editors here. I will see if I can find one to help. Tania is good. C Boylan, Helen, Emily. You just need help learning where to not use so many commas. I'm proud of how far you've come. Let me see if someone will help you. I'm not qualified. Hold off, ok ? Good plot. Rain...

[Barbara Walker]

This is a great story, but the structure needs to be cleaned up. proper paragraphs and punctuation. I agree with other reviewers; that it would make a great play. The premise is very good!

[bluessadmood]

thank you dearest,hope everything is so well with you..i always like dramas,however it needs a very good english,but thats the best could do,ha ha

[Goodbye]

I will echo the others strictly on technical writing issues, however I will say that I was able to get the gist of it. It is a very interesting psycho-sexual drama. Yes, very, very dramatic, reminding me of an opera! So there you go - it has a lot of very valuable, interesting, and engaging properties,

Another little exercise to do might be to read your story aloud several times - some times you can work out the bugs there too.

[A.A.Romanczuk]

A psychological delight

[Wondering Mind]

Blues, why haven't you tried turning this into a play? The story reads fine as it is, but the plot and the setting feel more like a pay.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this.

[Helena]

Good story that kept me interested all throughout. I could see this turned into a play. The plot was very good and the characters so life like. The twists and turns of the psychology between the main characters
was very tangiable and the weakness of the husband showed through so well. It had me wondering how the little girl fared in all this intrigue! And the big question I would love to know...."what happened next"??!! (well you know curious me by now)

Excellent write! Worth building on for a play for sure. Plays are very difficult to master, but you
have the structure of one very good one right here my friend!!

~ Helena ~

[emmajoy]

Good storyline, spun me along quite quickly and the characters are well defined. Your descriptions of the people involved are interesting.. like the bit about the husband 'Oh, he is such a baby, and damn, he is gaining weight. I've told him so many times to take long walks around the garden, cut down on your meals, but no he just sits there in his armchair, always reading a book almost all day' ... that both gives an insight into her character and his, certainly makes him more real.

'Found it a little muddled here and there but I see from reviewers/editors below that you're being been helped along.

Considering English isn't your first language, I'm truly impressed.

Would it help to type your stories in Word - which will automatically assist with punctuation and spelling, then, you can copy and paste into wc.org?

Thank you for sharing.

[Nik Dendera]

Good story, but your tenses flit between present and past. Its kind of confusing. Why not write it was a play? I'm working on a feature length screenplay and its going to be really long, but hey, its for the good of the story!

I think with a bit of editing and a clean up around the edges, this will be excellent!

But so far, you've got something good!

[Emily Elizabeth]

Again, another interesting and entertaining story!
I think this would be good as a play, I could imagine the people and the actions going on. Your characters are well-sussed out and realistic. I have to say, you're English is getting better, I'm impressed!
You have a very visual way of story-telling, I've noticed. Do you see your stories like a film scene in your head? If so, then you're like me in that respect!
A fantastic piece.

[Malenkov]

A tale of deciet and treachery and longing and full of conflict, it made for a suspsensful read. Strong is the conflicts - the way each longs and wants, then does want, the sense of being internally split (by duty, role, lust etc) I should say.

also whats very strong here is the way you show relationships, the sexual and psychological warfare that seems to be going on here, made a very interesting read.

The strenght is the characterisation and the dialogue, what I'd suggest is the following:

#1 Formatting:
Paragraph breaks: In a few places it looked like you jumped forward in time, I wasnt sure, so I'd maybe put in a double line break, or * * * , or roman numerla (I, II..) or number so that its easier to see when you make a transition

#View point changes
The usual thing were told these days is to stick to one view point, as its supposed to stop readers getting into character. I dont think that was a problem here, somehow all that switching did actually help me understand the deviousness and conflicts of the charatcer and see that actually both (and all three) were manipulating each other. However, when you switch view point, and here you use very close third person thats almost first person, it kind of sweeps across the arc of each charatcer and while I think thats original and you pull off a very difficult tecnhnique, you might want to think about how to control it a bit so that it perhaps doesnt lose the reader - not that that happens much. I cant really tell you much how to do that - I think Henry James called this special technique Central Intelligence View point and the gist of it is that the arc of the whole thing goes through each charatcer becoming some kind of story consciousness or whatever. I dont know how to do that technique but it might fit here. Otherwise you might want to pull some of the switches at times, for example not revealing some of the thoughts through dialogue but more through whats not said - the sub text in action or dialogie...

#Dialogue
I think the dialogue is mostly sharp and I did get a very good view of the charatcer, but I felt in places you were using the dialogue to tell me things perhaps that ought to come out more natually, but on the other hand some of it even felt like a kind of stream of consciousness and somehow without really being able to say why it gave me a very gfood perception of whats going on. But I would tighten the dialogue out a bit.
On the same topic, I'd put your dialogue on new lines with tabs as it did get buried in paragraphs and I found it hard to see sometimes what was stream of consciousness, what thought, what dialogue. On the other hand the mix made it a very fluid ride so perhaps you have discovered a new technique! Also it would be nice to have beats, how they move and look at each other a bit more as they speak to each other.

#Description
While you describe the characters very well through the eyes of each other, and the switch of view point adds up to a kind of 3 dimensional view which was very vivid I think I'd like to see some images of the place, setting a bit more, maybe I didnt pick that up so well.

you write that this could be a play, theres no reason why you cant do both- plays are strong on dialogue, as this is, and light on description, setting as this is slightly, so maybe that would be good to see this as a play too: it definitely has a violent emotional intensity about it which I think comes out both in the story and the play . . ..

In any case, its a good story, even without the suggestions - which are mostly personal prejudice and the typical things a writers supposed to say which dont always improve a story - its good. You have a unique, powerfully emotional style and I think you ought to go deeper with it, you seem to cut through to the violent undercurrent of relationships, the emotions, the deciets etc.

Good story

wow, this is quite pretty- fairly intense, kept me reading :0 might want to watch your punctuation though- I'd runi t through spell check or something :) x