Postcards From Vlad

About 20 years ago I worked in Europe.This was one of my bad choices to get away from it all.All of it is true by the way.Word of warning...make sure you know who you go on holiday with.

Postcards from Vlad

A true tale of wonder and bad planning

by

Bob Sherunkle

(Or my failed trip with two Cockney hippies that nearly got me killed on two occasions..at least)

Passports returned,visa in place,minimal baggage and were off. The excitement had been building for about a month.

I,together with ,well I’ll refer to them as Thelma and Louise as using their real names would only scar me further and I’m only beginning to watch vampire films again after 21 years filled with terror and a fear of trains. Not because of the dark one,but this bloody journey.

Anyway,Thelma,Louise and I had sat up one night after work,I worked in a hotel in Germany you see,and we decided after many very strong German lagers that it would be a great adventure to make our way across Europe and visit Dracula’s castle,well,Vlad the Impaler’s summer house but you get where I’m coming from.

From there on in I was told within a couple of days that I had to send my passport to the Romanian Embassy in Munich in order to acquire the visa...and I had to also send 100 German marks,which is a lot of money to a horny 21 year old.

Nervously I agreed but demand a receipt which was met with truculent sniffs and comments such as “oh! You'll be claiming it back then?”,followed by “tosser!”.I was going off them a little but decided to forget about it. I’ll be the better man here..the only man as it turns out.

The morning of our adventure was upon us and I wearily had a shower as it would probably be my last for at least a week but I wasn’t bothered as adventurers don’t bother about washing or brushing their teeth,no sir,they’re far to busy being adventurers and that.

I got dressed in my Khaki trousers and put my boots on and denim shirt because that's what adventures wear,so I was told.

Hauling my bag onto my shoulder I said my good byes and wished everyone well and headed to the bus stop to meet my fellow adventurers. We waited at the bus stop for about an hour,not a great start,but then,over the hill the local bus chugged towards us. And so it begins!,I thought.

No.

No-one had change,so I had to run back to my room mate and ask if he had any change. Change in hand I triumphantly ran back to the bus where my fellow adventurers awaited.

God they looked miserable already. One inspecting her dreadlocks and the other just staring at something on the ground. Turns out it was just the ground she was staring at.

We sat on the bus as it made its way into the local town and I genuinely felt excited and a bit sick,had a few beers the night before you see. I watched the two girls ,one of them had found something in her dreadlocks that captivated her and the other sat with a face like a brick wall.

“Where’s your sense of adventure!You guys not excited?”,”I think my period is starting “ said one,the other smiled and rolled her eyes.

Bollocks. What have I done I thought. I can't call it off now. I’ll just have to play it by ear.

We arrived just outside the railway station and the journey to Munich was a non event. No one spoke to each other,although I did try to start some kind of conversation but it was met with either a vacant smile and looking out the window or yawns.

We arrived in Munich Banhoff after about an hour and a half and decided to get some breakfast.

I had a beer and a sandwich,(that's how they roll in Germany) and the new age types just complained because no one sold hummus. My bottom lip was beginning to bleed as I was biting a little too hard and too often now.

We eventually found a very unappealing café that claimed they sold hummus but I wasn’t convinced but I never said anything,I just wanted to get on the train to Bucharest and get this adventure under-way. We got our tickets and they two tie dyed,bra-less hobbit's followed like two kids going to the dentist and dreading every step. I kept looking around and they seemed to be getting farther away. I shouted to them to get a move on but this seemed to have a reverse effect as if they went any slower they would go back in time. Not a bad idea,I thought.

Eventually we boarded the train and found a table seat so they would have to sit across from me and engage in some kind of conversation. We could discuss where to go in Bucharest before we caught our train to Brashov in Romania.No.They decided to sit at the table opposite me as they wanted to “spread out man!”.This is how they spoke. Honestly.

The train journey to Bucharest was long but pretty enjoyable. We went via Vienna as the sun was disappearing and it was quite an amazing sight. At one point Thelma lurched across from her”space” and started taking photos,dreadlocks flapping in excitement as she oood and ahhhd at the sight. It had been the most excited I had seen any of them in about 6 hours .Louise just sat holding her stomach. I did feel sorry for her and asked if she had any paracetamol with her,”Nooooo!” she wailed,like a banshee. I decided to keep schtum and stare at my stupid reflection in the window.

We arrived in Bucharest and wandered, almost startled, off the train. I suggested to Thelma that Louise get some paracetamol as she cant be doing herself any good feeling so ill.”That's they way we deal with it,y'know,our periods,We deal with the pain in the way God intended.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I appreciate that if that's how they cope with period pains,who am I to intervene but don’t ruin my bloody adventure by moaning about it every two bloody minutes!!

I stopped and thought. Don’t be so hard on her. Your a guy,you have no idea how she feels. Then the other voice inside me pipped,well,maybe should have planned it around a different date,if she know she was,y'know,going to be “feeling under the weather.”I thought then that there was no use in complaining. We’ll try and enjoy it best we can.

We were getting hungry by this point and decided to go and get a meal,something substantial as I read that the local food in Brashov may not compliment your pallet. That would be all we would need,three of us wandering around clutching our stomachs,wailing like banshees,so far from home.

We wandered around the streets and all we could see were McDonald’s,KFC and the like,then,and I will never forget this until the day I die,Louise said,almost triumphantly,”Why don’t we go for some Italian food,there looks like there are loads of Italian restaurants”.I stopped in my tracks and turned. They were both standing ,nodding at each other,almost congratulating each other as to what a good idea this was.”Where,,eh,,did you see these Italian restaurants then ?” I quizzed.”Well see all them Italian flags,is that not Italian restaurants?”.I looked around at the multitude of Red,White and Green flags hanging outside,not only eateries but clothes shops,electrical shops and so on.

I was stunned into sniggering but held it together. I saw out the corner of my eye Thelma,almost in deep thought then turning to Louise whispering into her ear and then an “Oh,right, I see”,as it was explained to her that the flags didn’t represent a plethora of Italian restaurants but that the Hungarian people were a very proud lot and were proud of their flag.

We found a Chinese restaurant and ate in silence.

After the meal we had time for a wander before our train to Brashov in Romania. It would be a long journey and I had been warned that the train waits for about and hour prior to border crossing ,so that passports and visa can be checked and then checked again after border crossing. It didn’t make much sense but I was prepared anyway.

Thelma had her camera equipment with her,she was like a war correspondent with all her camera bags,tripod and gargantuan lenses. She seemed to struggle a little with it all,I did offer to help carry some of it,but she was an independent woman of the world and no man was going to help her get what she wants!,whatever that was.

Louise was still moping over her flag faux pas and not saying very much. She looked like she was going to say something but it looked like a voice in her heard kept telling her to stop. Every now and again she would open her mouth and stop and say,”Nothing,doesn't matter”.I felt a bit sorry for her again.

We checked the board and saw our train information,what platform,when it was leaving etc.,so I thought we should get a good seat,maybe near the toilet on board so no of us were out of range of the others.

It turns out that it wasn’t your regular train,it was berths. Cosy compartments with two big rows of seats facing each other and,,,a sliding door so you had some privacy. I was over the moon. This feels like an adventure now,I thought.

We packed our bags into the racks above our heads and sat back and waited for the train to depart. And we waited.

We waited some more.

2 hours we waited until it struggled into motion. By this time we were all a little tired and the girls fell asleep. I stared out the window. I found that I was doing a lot of this.

I was woken by their chatter about some poetry that Thelma had written. Something about writhing about like a snake. I didn’t want to hear much more so I pretended I had just woken up,said ” Hi !”,and ventured off to find the toilet,which was actually next to our compartment. I will never complain about inboard British railway toilets again. They are of the utmost hygiene compared to this..thing.

I don’t think it flushed,I think it just had a hole at the bottom and whatever fell onto the tracks. I felt a little sick. I made my way back to the compartment to warn the girls but I was too late. No sooner had I slid the door open than the both of them pushed past me and disappeared into the toilet.

Ach well,I thought,let them discover this one for themselves.

I sat and stared out the window and again it was getting quite dark quickly,but I could still see the landscape as it changed from rolling fields,slightly golden as the sun went down but could make out the beginning of the Carpathian mountains looming as we sped towards them.

I did feel inspired once more and felt a real sense of adventure. My brother who was seasoned traveller hadn't been here so I felt quite proud,considering the places he had been.

They appeared back about 15 minutes later changed in to long john’s and cardigans. I was a little taken aback as I thought you just slept in your clothes. Louise had perked up a bit and actually smiled. This made me feel a little better but it was short lived as what happened next scared the bejesus out of me.

We were awoken by a lot of shouting as the train crawled to a halt. I could see torches flashing about through bleary eyes as I tried through my confusion to figure out what was going on. I heard voices bellowing and started to get a little nervous. The butterflies in my stomach were re in-acting the Battle of Britain.

The voices were getting louder as rubbed my eyes and the girls awoke in a slight panic. I tried to calm them a little with some bad jokes about noisy neighbours but that one fell flat on it's arse.

The sliding door opened an in the door way was the biggest shaved gorilla you have seen. All sweaty in army combats. It was the unholstered Colt.45 that unleashed the coward in me and I sat staring like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a juggernaut.

His attention was not focused on me but the two girls in front of me huddled together in their long johns. He couldn't take his stare off them. This is it I thought. Bullet in my head and god knows what will happen to them. He broke his stare with a fake smile and mumbled something in Romanian.

I just stared at him.”Passport now!” he grimaced. He took his eyes off me and stared at the girls who were smiling nervously and trying not to get caught in his tractor beam .

I coughed and handed my passport to him and said “Here you are”,my voice sounded like it was breaking. He snatched the passport of me without taking his now glare off me and slowly looked down. His expression changed when he saw it was a British passport and you could feel the tension fade away. He smiled and asked the girls for theirs and nodded and grunted.

I noticed one of his minions behind him just staring at the girls,my stomach started dancing badly again. The gorilla asked for a cigarette and smiled showing the few yellow stumps for teeth that he had.

I gave him the packet.

Once they had made their way through the train,terrorising all that were there,they shuffled off and signalled to the driver to continue. We must have only travelled about 20 yards when the train grounded to a halt again..and another hours wait,then we were on our way. Strangely enough,I couldn’t sleep,thinking one of them was still on the train and ready to pounce but it was not to be ,thankfully,

I had managed to get some sleep and was awoken by Thelma’s Oohs and Aaahhh's .That's about all that she had mustered so far. She had her giant lensed camera out taking photos through the window of the landscape.

It was a beautiful sight and I don’t use that word much,so I must have meant it.

We eventually arrived in Brashov......... and it was a shithole.

I don’t mean to be snobbish but it was. It had been snowing and it had all turn to slush. It was like arriving in a town that was monochrome.

I suggested we get something hot to drink as it was bitterly cold and we found a café which wouldn’t have looked out of place in Stalin's gaff.

We went into the café and ordered coffee,what we got was something very different. Cups of treacle. Those old fashion glass cups and saucers. Cups that you couldn’t get your finger through the handle it was so small. Cups for a dolls tea party.

We sat and looked around. Only one other customer and he looked as if he had died there some time ago but the owners couldn’t be bothered to get rid of the body. He stared straight ahead,unfortunately we were in his sights. He looked like a skeleton covered in skin as thin as a chickens.

We decided it would be best,once we had warmed up to find out what bus we should catch to get to the “Castle”.

We finished our treacle and organised our gear and left the café with the dead looking man still staring,not taking his hollow gaze from where we had sat.

I decided to ask a soldier who was outside the station where we could catch the bus. I asked if he spoke in English. Of course not. I tried some German and he looked at me as if I had told him he had a nice smile. I didn’t think my German was that bad but maybe I should check the phrase book before I opened my mouth.

I ended up in a game of charades with him,doing my best impersonations of bus and vampires. This amused him,I certainly wasn’t smiling but I wasn’t about to give up,but then he went ballistic,literally.

He stared through me and started shouting and waving his hand. Confused,I patted my chest as if to say “Me?”.He pushed his way past me and made towards Thelma who was engrossed in taking photos of small children begging.

I made my way after him and overtook him and went up to Thelma and whispered”Put the bloody camera away,there's a soldier with an automatic rifle who doesn’t like what your doing!”,she turned and gave me a look of gormlesness.”What? I'm just taking photos of the kids!Look at them,so scruffy and dirty. It’s such a shame.” At which point Louise added her bit “ Such a shame.” as she shook her head.

The soldier came right up to us,rifle pointing in our general direction and was shouting at Thelma.”He doesn’t want you to take photos. Please stop it. Show some respect ?”. That's the problem with these carefree types,when the going gets tough,its someone else fault some how.

“Why did you speak to him?” she said”He wouldn’t have noticed me if you hadn’t spoke to him”.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I let it go and ushered them away from the station. We should just wander a bit I thought. We’ll find the bus. We did.

I use the phrase bus very loosely as this “thing” looked as if it would fall apart any second. I asked the driver if he was going to the castle. He stared at me blankly. I got into character again and did my best Bela Lugosi. He smiled and laughed like an 80 a day smoker and nodded. We paid our fare in Dollars,I'm sure they ripped us off but we were here and needed to get there.

The girls got on with their bags and as I was just getting on the bus he tried to shut the doors and I got trapped in between one of them. I started shouting at the driver but he ignored me and the girls were half way up the bus. I was starting to panic as all I could see was the ground rushing underneath one of my boots and I was starting to find it difficult to breath as when the door jammed me against the front of the bus,my bag was held to my chest so I was stuck tight.

Louise spotted me and made her way down the busy isle,no health and safety on this bus,they crammed as many on as possible. She got the drivers attention and he looked furiously at me.

He started shouting at me just as I thought I was going to pass out. He hit the door mechanism and I was released. The girls were shouting at him and I stepped of the bus. I thought I was going to be sick. My ribs were killing me..Next thing I knew the driver had thrown the girls off and was throwing the bags off. He sat back down and shouted something,not nice I imagine,and slammed his foot on the accelerator and flew off down the road.

Battered and bruised and very confused, I looked at the girls. Louise was crying,Thelma was in a rage.”My tripod..it's on the bus!”,”You wont get it back” I said,getting my breath back.

She didn’t talk much for about 2 hours as we sat back in the café out of sight of the old dead looking man,who still had the same expression.

We agreed it was a disaster and we would catch the next train back to Bucharest.

There wasn't much chat after that, just some more pushing and shoving trying to get the tickets.

Sitting on the train we all felt deflated and beaten. Border crossing passed without any confrontations and we arrived in Bucharest after what seemed like an eternity. The girls decided to meet up with one of the chefs from our hotel who was back home on holiday and I went for a beer and thought about the humiliation ahead when I got back to the hotel.

I bought some beers for the train and boarded and found a quiet area are where no one else was sitting. After my ticket was checked I reached into my bag and started on the 8 beers that would take me to sleep,then Munich.

I arrived back at the hotel where I worked and it was about 10pm.I tried to sneak into the accommodation for employees, but was caught by one of my co workers who was confused at my sudden appearance. I explained very vaguely that not all went to plan and I decided to come back early. He grunted and said good night and I made my way to my room,expecting my room mate to be out,as he always was,but I opened the door and there was my brother and some of the other “prisoners” who just started at me.

“What are you doing back? What happened to the big adventure?”

I shook my head and half smile,”Pass me a beer and I'll tell you all about it”.