Menace

A Poem by Idk

Just a piece of writing about an abusive relationship.

I remember you never liked your eyes, but god I loved them. When I looked into your eyes I saw galaxies and oceans and everything beautiful. I saw mountains and rivers and oh god do I miss you. You said they were too plain and you've never been fond of the brown. But brown was my favorite color. Brown was the little smile you always did when we touched. Brown was the way your eyes lit up when you spoke to me about something you loved. It's the way we had everything we've ever wanted, or I on the other hand. I had you. I hate that color now. Brown made me believe that what you did was okay. It's okay that you hit me, it's because you love me. You slapped me across the face because you loved me. "No one else will ever want you," you say as you pull me by my hair into the bedroom minutes after you downed a bottle of vodka. I love you too, I love you too. I miss who you were before the drugs and alcohol. Since us I wonder if you'll ever learn to love, and I wonder when i'll finally learn that you were not love for god's sake. I see you in everything I do. But now brown is just the pain. It's fear, remorse. It's trauma. It's the therapy and your silhouette staring me down. It's my self esteem rapidly dropping every single time I see my own reflection. Because what you told me was true, right? Because you love me, and you wouldn't lie to me. The bruises you gave faded away, but not on the inside. I still feel your hands around my neck, lover. That is not love. Pain is not love. Pain. Is. Not. Love. You said you would untie the noose but all you did was kick the chair. I've tried to forget you, you know, but I can't. My body shakes when I think of you.