Red Rum

Micky Abbott must choose between admitting to a crime she didn't commit, or running from those who believe she did.

This is what I remember.

 

May 15, 2015

              There was a knock on the door.  "Margaret Abbott?"  More banging.  I sat up in bed, mumbling to myself.  "Margaret Abbott?  LAPD."  I rolled off the bed, stumbling to my feet. 

 

              "Coming," I croaked, turning the corner out of my bedroom.  Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I walked directly into the coffee table, stubbing my toe on the wooden edge.  "Damn it," I mumbled, hopping on one leg as I cradled my foot. 

 

              More banging on the door.  "Alright, alright!"  I limped over to the front door, tucking my bedhead behind my ears before flinging the front door open.  "What's this about?  It's like three in the morning-" Two guns were clocked simultaneously before being shoved in my face. 

 

              "Margaret Abbott.  We have reason to believe you are guilty of the murder of Peter Crowell.  You have the right to remain silent," the first officer grabbed my wrist, jerking me towards him and slapping a cuff on my arm.  "If you do decide to say anything, it can and will be used against you in a court of law."  The second cuff.  "You have the right to a lawyer present during any questioning.  If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you if you so desire."

 

              The sudden pull towards the police car snapped me out of shock.  "Wait-What?  What are you talking about?   Murder of who?  I don't even know a Peter!  Hey!  Get your hands off me!"  The officer flung open the door to the police car, shoving me in.  I braced myself on the side, resisting.  "Please," I begged.  "Tell me what's happening."

 

              The officer, whose nametag read Will, narrowed his eyes.  "You're being convicted of first degree murder." 

 

The day before...

Author's Note

Just something I had started on... Let me know what you think and whether or not you'd like to read more. Slowly getting through my read requests (there are MANY) but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. I also recently created a contest titled "Blind Life" in which through some form, you capture the feelings and/or senses of a blind person. Maybe through a story of someone living with the disability, a poem, etc. There are more details on the actual contest page. Any and all feedback is appreciated, thanks!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I wanted to read more. The title tempted me and the story left a wide open ending. I like the set-up and the strong characters. Thank you for sharing the excellent tale.
Coyote

[Mathew Jennings]

I would definitely like to read on.. A good start. Intriguing. Good use of dialogue and most importantly it gets you thinking

[Samuel Dickens]

Looking at Taylor's review, I think he/she offers good advice, although I'm not so critical of this. For me, it's pretty well done. Interesting, engaging, well-paced and all that. If you should choose to continue, I think you're off to a good start.

[Taylor]

Brinleigh, welcome to Writerscafe. I am always glad to see new prose writers on the site, which as far as I can observe has a large population of poets but relatively few prose writers (wish there were a word for us equivalent to poets -- hmmm, maybe "prose-ettes" or "prosers" or prose-ites"). Anyway, I enjoyed the start of your story and encourage you to continue. You've been able in a short space to create a lot of intrigue and suspense. A couple of editing points which may or may not be of value, but which I offer as a lone reader's opinion: 1) 'I sat up in bed, mumbling to myself. "Margaret Abbott? LAPD." This is a bit confusing -- Was the protagonist saying, "Margaret Abbott? LAPD" to herself? Or was there yelling she could hear through the door from the police, saying, "Margaret Abbott? LAPD"?
2) "Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I walked directly into the coffee table, stubbing my toe on the wooden edge." I think of an "edge" to a coffee table being knee level, not foot level, so it might be better to select a floor level piece of furniture, say an old seaman's chest or TV cabinet. 3) "tucking my bedhead behind my ears before flinging the front door open" -- first, I like the image of her tucking her bedhair behind her ears. I do however question whether a woman alone would "fling the door open" at that time of the night even if someone was identifying themselves as "LAPD" unless she could view them through a peephole or at least put the chain on the door and open it gingerishly. 4) "The officer flung open the door to the police car, shoving me in." Just a few paragraphs earlier, you describe her "flinging open the door"; perhaps here you might delete the reference to the door at all and say that the officer shoved her into the police car -- the reader will understand that he/she opened the door first. 5) "You're being convicted of first degree murder." -- I believe it's more likely that the officer would say "charged with first degree murder," which is the province of the police/district attorney whereas "conviction" is the province of the court. I hope my comments have been helpful; certainly they're offered in that spirit, but if they're not, please accept my apologies and toss them over the Golden Gate Bridge. Oops, I just read the other comments after I completed this -- notice that others have identified the issue with "convicted." Sorry for the redundancy. I don't usually read other reviews before writing mine.

[JulianaSun]

Who doesn´t like a crime/mystery/ungainly heroine story. The name is great too - Margaret Abbott. I aslways have such difficulties with choosing the right names for my characters. It´s freaking annoying:) The beginning is good because it stirs up the reader´s curiosity - who is this Peter Crowell , why would Margaret be accused of his death, what kind of a heroine is Margaret ( apart from slightly clumsy), and what the hell happened the day before ?
Can´t wait to read the rest of it.
J

[Writeforlovely]

Ohhhh...I wonder what will happen next. I already like the character a lot! Margaret seems feisty and does not take crap from anybody.

I also like how you have it formatted.
xoxo

[Hassan99]

I thought that this was an excellent start to the story, I love how you begin the story in the middle of thhe action as opposed to a generic introduction to the story. I have tried it but it's pretty difficult and I'm not too great at it, but I really think that you nailed it. You're obviously very talented, and I think that this is a great start!

[Robben]

you have a very skillful way of describing scene's that you think about. It is clear that the reader is being given a mistaken identity case. Sometimes the psychosis of not knowing one's actions also has a sexual pathology in a personality. It would be interesting for you to develop that character detail that includes sexuality, no matter how perverse or even borderline.

[Mayank]

Yes, it surely was an interesting read. The prologue was good enough to generate interest.

[Aries1984]

You have a good start up here. As much as I would like to read more, I don't always have the time to be on here because of work and school. I hardly even have time to write now days. I think that you have a very good start up here, and I like it that the story is taking place in L.A. I think that there's always something much more intriguing about crime stories from L.A.