Thoughts

THOUGHTS

I wish I could f*****g cry

I always have these thoughts racing through my mind

Is it the right time?

Why can I feel nothing but feel it all hit me all the time?

Every morning I wake, I can’t feel the light of day

But I can feel what I never said but wanted to say

I can feel what I did and what I should have

I can feel what they wanted me to be and what I wasn’t

Is it ok to have these thoughts racing through my mind?

Would it be any different if they saw what I saw and think what I think?

If a thousand good things you did became a thousand failures in the end

How would you have reacted then

This anger flows through me, chews me, beats me to the core

I don’t know how to stop it anymore

Is this why I’m so numb to life anymore

I can live it but don’t know how

I hurt others because I am hurt myself

It’s not because I hate them but because I hate me

Can’t you see I’m not the man I’ve always dreamt I’d be

See there was a time I could express this so freely

I’m to blame to let it get me this way

Not the PTSD, the fire, or the flames

See hurting every day and ignoring the pain makes it ok

Until you’re numb and want to feel it again

That’s when it’s too late, when it’s an uphill fight

When I wake up every night saying f**k I’m still here and I can’t see the light

I’d be lying if I said I never thought of suicide, maybe once or twice, s**t three times would be light

But I’d never go through with it, not with my kids by my side

Not when God promises there is a light

I just can’t find that light that I desire night after night after night

I need help right now, I’m alone in this fight

I wish I never had these thoughts racing through my mind

Reviews

[Angel]

Wow this is extremely powerful writing. I understand to an extent what those thoughts are since I once had those myself but it does get easier. Not right away but it does hell I'm still trying to get through it. Those thoughts slowly decrease as the light gets an inch closer. Also, I love the whole hurt sentence just cause it reminded me of what someone once told me "hurt people hurt people" One day you'll notice a little change, then a little more until you see a whole new person. At least that's what they tell me, keep writing.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I am really glad that you are writing. Healing takes time and writing about it helps. It allows you to express yourself and release those bottled-up emotions, which are unhealthy if kept inside. The numbness, anger, and withdrawal will only serve to distance you from those who care so the more you can share your feelings and experiences the better. I imagine it's hard to talk about with others who haven't lived what you have lived through, but I do believe writing can be more therapeutic than you know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Ms. Weaver]

Draw on your inner strength and keep writing!

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Dear JB, you are not alone. You are a good man. You will be OK. It's a painful road back but you have the strength to get through it. God, family and friends are there to help you. Your children need their father.- that's your most important job now. Please keep writing. You have a real talent for it and the world needs to hear your voice. Tears or smiles, God always bless you and protect you.:)