Broken Angel

14th poem

Clouds filled themselves with rain

As I filled myself with pain

When I released my prayers

They released their tears

I looked up to see

That they were looking down on me

To them I said save me from this hell

They only replied to me with nothing to tell

When she came down from sky

I loved her and that was no lie.

Reviews

[Jules]

I really did like this poem, but like Monica, I also think that the poem would be more effective if it ended after lie. I liked how you described the scenery (clouds with rain), and how you referred to raindrops as tears.

[Moki]

Clouds filled themselves with rain
As I filled myself with pain
When I released my prayers
They released their tears
I looked up to see
That they were looking down on me
To them I said save me from this hell
They only replied to me with nothing to tell
When she came down from the sky
I loved her and that was no lie


I think it should have ended right there.
because it's in past tense, it already tells the reader that the love ends?

[Lizzy]

really interesting title for this lots of artists name songs and albums untitled...

and this is a really interesting poem

i especialy like the clouds comparison =D

you've used the rhyming structure to great affect

and i can relate to this,which is always a great thing in a poem

realy nice work here

KEEP IT UP!



~Lizzie

xoxxox

[Raef C. Boylan]

I like the comparison between you and the clouds, both filling up.
I'm not a big fan of the ABAB rhyme scheme - but that's just my personal opinion - especially when the poem is love-related, because people find it off-putting and assume that it's going to be corny.
As you've not been writing for that long, though, i'd say that this is a good effort to explore your thoughts and feelings on this topic. There are quite a few cliches within this verse, but i think you've got the foundations here for a decent poem.

Thanks for posting it.

p.s. "When she came down from sky" (not sure if disjointed deliberately, or a typo...should it be 'the sky'?)

[Matt Shutler]

Sad poem. You make the reader feel for the guy, which is always good. Nice rhyme too. Over all really well done.