My Dream, My Nightmare

I wrote this poem back when I was ten years old. There is a lot of emotion stress hanging around this poem, so I thought I would show you where I started, and where I now stand as a writer

My dream is this and nothing more
I die, I live, I cry no more
The stars line with the planets in years and,
I wonder if anyone really ever hears.
My eyes are heavy and my arm is shaking
I still ask why I am hesitating
I want to cry out and make this end,
But I know some day, it will mend.
I wake
I quake,
I fall asleep again.
Never again, never again.

Author's Note

just be honest. If you've read some of my other work, how does this compare?

Reviews

[Ruby Moon]

@.@
the emotions are much more then i normally find in pieces i read sometimes
the vocab is limited but written by a 10 year old, it cant be more prefect
the best thing i find about this piece is that a child used the most of her vocab to bring across her feelings
i haventread your other pieces yet but i am amazed by this one
it is simple and yet it touches the heart...

[Lexy]

Very good, especially for 10 years old. When I was 10 years old, I was more of a bad story writer (I changed over to poetry, for the most part.) Good job!

[Robert Erickson]

you wrote this when you were ten? its pretty good I think considering that, I mean its about as good as anything a 16 or 17 year old could write, you know if you write poetry on the fly i would suggest you,

A) think of your idea for at least a few minutes, then
B) begin to think about a phrase to coin the structure you are going for, be it free verse with or without alliteration and rhyme, or whatever, rhyming is fun but in my opinion limiting if you aren't using a rhyming dictionary
c) edit the piece, run some math on the lines and stanzas, clean it up, check for repeating words and better word choices

just my advice, im undiscovered but damn i wanna get published man

[RareRed]

Ten? All I can say is wow! I love the poem now, you can feel the emotions.....it's something I'd expect out of someone in their teens or twentys....not a 10 year old. Its a great piece.

[Princess_ck84]

Ten? Holy Crap!!

Honest, eh? I've rwad some of your other work, and quite frankly, I find this one leaps and bounds better... granted, you had mention in the decriptions that those poems were written on the fly... but this one just has more.

The diction and line breaks are perfect and I can feel the tears in your words.

Awsome job on this one... perhaps you can request me to read some of your others that you might be more proud of??

Anyway, thank you for sharing... eagr to see more from you :)

[Gabrielle E. M. T.]

This piece is excellent.
Great rythme and ryhme in this piece.
Very nice flow of words.
I can feel the emotions pouring out of your words.
Wonderfully written.
Great Job!
=]

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

Very mature writing for a 10 year old.
Love All,
Mejasha