not my best - just pounding it out. I have been battling depression for a few years now, and winning the battle :) but when I was younger, I used to think about committing suicide all the time. A lot of my poems are depressing because I draw from that time period. well, be brutal, and thanks for reading.
My Review
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i really like this. and if it's not one of your best, then I'm very interested in reading some of your 'better', because i thought this was great.
The conversational aspect of it worked really well... it didn't get too vague or too 'comfy' - it maintained the feeling of a piece of work, while at the same time welcoming the reader right in.
"trying to dig out / those last bits of wood from under your skin - all those
splinters that just,
wriggled in."
Loved that. love the rhyme scheme, and the flow of it was TIGHT
"There are things I would say,
do
but I guess none of that matters now."
Strong lines right there.
I've definitely been here before. Even though a very cheery, optimistic person, I have battled depression myself for the past few years. I find comfort in my poetry, but hardly ever delve this deep into openly talking or writing about the depression itself. It sort of makes me... want to try. Because you prove that you can approach this subject without being all ANGSTY, which I don't like.I don't think it makes for quality work, hehe. But THIS is definitely quality work :)
Like most of this, for sure. Sounds like you are looking for deep critiques though, so I will dig one for you line by line.
"Ahh, hey." -- Don't much care for this, it doesn't add anything to the poem. I think it would be stronger without it.
"So I guess you are wondering
and wandering about," -- great word play, wondering and wandering are similar not only in sound but connotation. I like it.
"trying to dig out
those last bits of wood from
under your skin - all those
splinters that just,
wriggled in." -- beautiful poetry here, this stanza is the strength of this piece.
"too deep." -- like the line break, but I would get rid of the period after "wriggled in" to keep it continuous (in actual punctuation) but still seperate with the line break. It's just like pausing before ending the sentance, but the period actually does end the sentance so I'd take it out.
"There are things I would say,
do
but I guess none of that matters now." -- not a big fan of this stanza, though it adds that element of regret, and I dislike the line break leaving "do" all by itself. I don't think it's a strong enough word for that. Maybe you could say "would have done"?
"Did it hurt?
Dying, i mean, because I've always wanted...
well, I never wanted wanted, but..." -- Great question, and the last line here is awesome, how we sometimes simultaneously want to cease to exist and keep going. Like the italics too, a nice emphasis.
"I guess I didn't make it far and I guess
I've finally found the answers" -- I see the contradiction, but I don't understand it. What answers have you found? I'm not getting anything clear from this.
" but I'm still lingering and
if there is a tunnel and a light, point the way. " -- nice play on that cliche, the light at the end of the tunnel. So again you are saying you want to become your ghost?
"because this was supposed to bring me peace,
not guilt.
even in death, I still feel helpless and lonely." -- the one major obstacle that keeps me from suicide is that guilt, so, well said here. I suppose that's why a natural death is so much more appealing, because it most likely would bring peace. And if you win that battle with depression and live peacefully, you will die so, too.
Overall this is quite nice, and I did enjoy it. As always, there is room for improvement, and it's nice/refreshing that you are looking for real critiques instead. I'm nearly always in the mood to analyze and throw in my two cents, so feel free to send me read requests.
Maybe not your best (you say), but pretty damn good!
I like the concept a lot and the fact that it is original and not all 'emo' like too many poems about depression. When I write about my depression I try to do the same and avoid the obvious.
I had to read it a couple of times to get with the rhythm of it and the first half had more of an impact on me. But it is worthy of the time and I enjoyed reading it.
I liked the word play in:
"So I guess you are wondering
and wandering about"
Like Kara below says, you've shown here that this subject can be dealt with and still show emotion without having to be angsty or blatantly miserable; it's distanced, which is reflective of how we can feel about our life and death when stuck in depression, as well as being the appropriate tone for a note left to oneself.
You've demonstrated the though put into imagining this situation by talking about how your ghost has stayed nearby enough to find the note.
This is also very human, in the questions you pose to yourself about the dying process, and the casual tone in which you've written - we don't need to explain everything to ourselves in diary entries and letters to ourselves, yet you've also included enough information for your readers to get some understanding.
The suicide seems to have gone wrong, to not have achieved peace as hoped, which provokes contemplation when we finish reading.
Overall, a decent piece. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Sorry that this review isn't very constructive.
i like the way you ' pound it out'...i am sorry about the battle, keep fighting and keep writing as this is a good poem and the darkness is felt ,, good luck in the contest.
Chloe
xoxo
i really like this. and if it's not one of your best, then I'm very interested in reading some of your 'better', because i thought this was great.
The conversational aspect of it worked really well... it didn't get too vague or too 'comfy' - it maintained the feeling of a piece of work, while at the same time welcoming the reader right in.
"trying to dig out / those last bits of wood from under your skin - all those
splinters that just,
wriggled in."
Loved that. love the rhyme scheme, and the flow of it was TIGHT
"There are things I would say,
do
but I guess none of that matters now."
Strong lines right there.
I've definitely been here before. Even though a very cheery, optimistic person, I have battled depression myself for the past few years. I find comfort in my poetry, but hardly ever delve this deep into openly talking or writing about the depression itself. It sort of makes me... want to try. Because you prove that you can approach this subject without being all ANGSTY, which I don't like.I don't think it makes for quality work, hehe. But THIS is definitely quality work :)
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News: I was accepted for publication at the Sandy River Review (03/29/09)!
PLEASE NOTE: I maybe be only 19, but I have been readin.. more..