Mountains

Another poem from English last year... this one was published in a national anthology...

I wander through the mountains,

Up them and back down,

Over their vast feet,
That join them to the ground.

 

I ascend their legs,

The sun peeks through the clouds.

I can feel the mountain smile,

As it is warmed by the light.

 

I meander up the mountain,

To a special place I found.

It's peaceful and calm,

I sit down and relax.

 

The mountain plays me a song.

The rush of a waterfall,

The calls of birds,

The echo of my voice as I sing along.

 

I leave the special spot,

Resume my journey,

Along the mighty shoulders of the mountain,

Every step closer to the top.

 

I'm still working my way up,

Soon I'm leaving my footprints,

In the soft snow blanketing the mountain's head.

I've made it to the top.

Author's Note

Tips? Suggestions? Reviews? Comments? =]]

Reviews

[Eric Pudalov]

Very lovely poem! The words really helped me to envision the mountains and the surrounding area; I think it's great that it was published in an anthology.

I have a couple of suggestions, though: at certain points in the poem, it felt as if you had a rhythm going, as in "I wander through the mountains/Up them and back down." But in other parts, like the fourth stanza, the rhythm seems off, as in "The calls of birds/The echo of my voice as I sing along."

It may work better if you divide it this way: "The calls of birds, the echo/Of my voice singing along." That's only slightly different, but it seems to fit. I also agree with Inci below, who said there was no need to put "soon" in the last stanza; I think that also throws off the rhythm.

All criticism aside, I still think it's lovely, and I enjoyed reading your work. You are quite talented!

[Inci]

the mountains have been very well personified ....i feel the that there was no need to put soon in 2nd line of last stanza .....otherwise it's nice

[Coyote Poetry]

I love to wander in the forest. Climb free style on mountain cliffs. Poem is beautiful. You took me to the mountain with you. Your description was amazing. Thank you for a excellent poem.
Coyote