Pinhead Angels and Patron Saints

I never believed the question of how many angels fit on a pinhead was valid but research showed centuries of debate surrounding dogma and doctrine. Couldn't resist the urge to poke a little fun.

Pinhead Angels and Patron Saints

 

According to the American Institute of Physics, the number of angels that can dance on a pinhead is 10 to 64^th., and Rockette-style is 10 to the 32^nd.  They are wrong.  There is only room for six.

 

Leading the celestial troupe is Iofiel, Beauty of God.  She is, under the proper florescent lighting, multi-colored and as transluscent as the colors cast by the prism in your kitchen window on the white porcelain refrigerator at your house.  She can positively blind you under a black light.

 

Next, in seniority, is Kakabel, Star of God.  She shines best when Iofiel is farthest from her, as earth’s stars shine brighter without the influence of the sun.  She is quite shy and reluctant to take center stage, and no one minds.

 

Sachiel, Covering of God, originally wore elaborate costumes comprised mainly of fig leaves until she developed an allergic rash and now wears one single feather from the Bird of Paradise...in her hair.

 

Sariel, Fire of God, is a true living flame, and the troupe has learned to choreograph numbers where the others do not have to follow her footsteps.

 

Kafziel, Speed of God, moves so quickly she seems to disappear in one place, only to reappear somewhere else.    She is to the choreography of each number as punctuation is to grammatically correct writing.  She is also mischievous and provokes the others with her practical jokes.

 

Ananchel, Grace of God, appears to be liquid, so smooth are her movements, and she is, appropriately enough, covered in every shade of aqua and blue known to Man and a few thousand that Man will never see outside of Heaven.   She is also the troupe’s spokesangel, as she has the grace and manners to match any royal queen in  earth’s short history.

 

These six have been dancing on the Proverbial Pinhead for a millennia, or at least as far back as the first debate among the elders concerning the number of angels that could dance on a pinhead.   No one can remember exactly how this subject was introduced, or it’s relevance to anyone’s Orthodox Rules to Live and Breathe By.  But certain enterprising young saints, now currently involved in more practical pursuits such as Stigmata Stain Removal, decided the Proverbial Pinhead was just the kind of place the downtown section of Heaven needed.  This was, of course, in the event that an elder actually qualified to pass through the Pearly Gates and needed to put to rest this burning question of Religious Dogma and Theory.  Also, provided that such an academic could negotiate the golden thoroughfares without being forever caught up in a rousing round robin of Best of the Cantor Hits through the Ages.

 

The Proverbial Pinhead serves the traditional loaves and fishes, but has recently expanded its menu to include vegetarian manna and tofu with sun-dried fig sauce.  Few vegetarians make it to heaven, hunger makes them mean-spirited, but the two true ascetics that frequent The Proverbial Pinhead made special requests and Martha, sister of Lazarus and Patron Saint of cooks and dieticians, and now Head Chef of The Proverbial Pinhead, felt obliged to comply with their humble request.  Now the two spend all their days gorging on manna and tofu and taking turns beating the holy stuffing out of each other.   Any elder who should stumble in may substitute the loaves and fishes for a bagel and lox.

 

There are a number of activities to enjoy at the Proverbial Pinhead.  They include the David and Goliath Rock Pits,  popular with the kids and small women, the Water Walk Pool, favored by clergy who barely squeaked in due to low marks on honest self-appraisal,  the Eden Park and Wildlife Preserve, and the Moses Mountain Climb and Tablet Toss.  Prizes range from chariot rides and authentic Joseph Multi-Color Coats to a luxurious pleasure cruise on the S.S. Ark.   Word on the gold-paved streets is the food aboard this historical craft is double portioned and there’s plenty of variety.

 

If you should make your way to downtown Heaven, go to the Straight and Narrow Causeway and hang a left.  If you find yourself in the Valley of Death, you didn’t hang a left, and should turn and run to the nearest King Solomon APM (Automated Prayer Machine) for guidance.

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is why I love your writing & your wit & your zinging imagination! Only YOU can conjure up that sassy know-it-all commanding expertise-laden bullshit voice. It's so unique to you, but in this piece, it is pinging like dancing swine with bells on. Even tho this is a great load of crap that makes us laugh and wince at the same time, there's also a respectable bit of story-crafting which must be admired. I mean, that you even got on this topic at all, then that you decreed the real answer. I could see you becoming popular with a blog that gives the skinny on all things profound . . . your spoof on SNOPES . . . declaring hilarious profundity out your a*s! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Good god. What is going on your head Carol? What an incredible piece of invention or you are b*****s. Imagination on steroids doesn't get close. You make this almost believable.
Seriously it's great to read something like this but how many pinheads can dance on an angel?
Impressed! - Alan

[Vivian Fisk]

"Stigmata Stain Removal," the absolute best!

[Stella Armour]

But i beg to ask the question, "How big is a pin-head?" It's a bit like "How long is a piece of string?"

Nonetheless, i presume these 6 angels are the constant on any pin-head and maybe there are visitors who come to blessed from time to time ?

[Carol Cashes]

I would imagine it was larger than we know them today, this burning question has been around for centuries, being debated by long-bearded old men, in fact, I couldn't believe it was a real thing! Then when I looked up some information...well,just couldn't resist. You might enjoy Widdershins, it's a a little piece about superstition.

[Stella Armour]

maybe... i like superstitions

[Jimmy Yetts]

Appears you've given this a great deal of thought.
Do the six maintain constant contact with the point during their dance or do they take turns hitting that surface?--in pairs or some other variation.
You have a gift for the humor/sarcasm genre, Carol.
Very nicely done!

[Carol Cashes]

Having not seen their performance first hand, I can only speculate...and risk being labeled a false prophet.
As for my sarcasm, it's been my experience that my mouth tends to offend, while the written word is more palatable, and I find I have less need to say what pops in my head, saving it for later. But then, I might jus' be another old lady tryin' to get into heaven....

[emmajoy]

' Sachiel,.. .. ..wears one single feather from the Bird of Paradise...in her hair. '.. .. .. OH, so that's who she is.. lives diagonally across the road.. we've waved!
How wonderfully naughty and tongue-in-cheek your story is... love it to bits!!! Has had me smiling or laughing throughout.. even had to slide back to check for vegetarian recipes.. hmmmn.. the Pinhead doesn't allow more than a few good mannahs from your heaven but.. will happen in Time Infinitisimal, no doubt. Your Picture Palace in downtown Heaven is on my Must Do before I dye my clothes skyblue and bottle green. So, may i be in your fan club, please, very much... will share recipes.. dust, brush and occasionally lust for the kind of fun on offer. Such a clever, devilish and witty piece of writing..

[Carol Cashes]

I'm so glad you liked this. I actually looked up Angel's names and their meanings, however, the descriptions are mine. Fan Club? If that means you'll be shipping me fans, real ones, for this Ninth Inner Circle of Hell that is Biloxi, MS in August...then the answer is Yes!

[emmajoy]

Delivery on its way, look out for elephantine carrier pigeons!

[Carol Cashes]

Ha! The picture! I'm not alone in this hellish paradise - make 'em hi-jack proof!

[emmajoy]

Prepared, ready for anything, everything: fisty cuffs turned back, spittle swords at the ready, cayenne sprinkled custard pies by the score.. .. and more.

[Carol Cashes]

Lawdt! Some of these Southern Baptists down here will hit their knees and declare that Jesus has returned on a big-a*s bird! I am laughing as much at the thought of that as I am the idea of "elephantine carrier pigeons with spittle swords and cayenne custard pies!" I'm going to have to move from my comfy couch so that I don't wake up two snarky cats, a silly dog and a sleeping man. Thank you sooo much for this, I had a rotten day and was still feelin' a little hanky 'bout it. You fixed that, Emmajoy, and without the Valium I usually have to resort to on super bad days. *bowing and scraping* Anything I can do to repay your generosity, My Queen?

[emmajoy]

Am here, ready with Liquorice Allsorts, champagne truffles and kites with curly tails, ready to comfort all those in need - free to smilers and sweet symphonies. (Is this really me at just past eight in tha ayem.. storm woken... ?! )

[Carol Cashes]

Past eight in the "ayem"? It's 2:15 am here, those giant a*s birds got a loooong way to fly if there is that much time difference.

[emmajoy]

They have their way... sez I, sipping my first cuppa Java, looking out the windows watching some very odd shapes making for the Atlantic or somewhere similarly wet. :)

[Carol Cashes]

*laughing out loud again* Too, too funny. I can see this clearly - unfortunately, any description of myself right now would be an outright lie, or a horrifying truth and I won't risk either!

[emmajoy]

Blast, wanted another long grin! Mean, aren't I but you can't help liking me... get orf and away, Em... go let dogs run riot in the now rain.. Yes,. mind.. will obey.. says I, sliding out of bed backwards.. (Do you realise that anyone coming to this page of yours, will wonder why he/she wasn't invited to the party?!)

[Carol Cashes]

Well, let's make sure they make the next party: My regal self (and swiftly widening a*s) is planted firmly on my ugly loveseat, laptop on pillow, crossed legs in old shorts. Double stuffed Oreos within reach and I'm furiously typing this important missive that cannot be delayed by piddlin' 'round with suddenly needy cats that generally act as if we've never met when I want THEIR attention...I digress...The moon is full, here, and for a brief, oh, so very brief few hours it's a tolerable temperature. I have enjoyed this immensely and am looking forward to our next soiree. I can't promise I'll look any prettier, but I will attend with much enthusiasm and am always up for shenanigans! Have a good day, and I will continue to type (mainly because I'm really good at it and fast!) this evening reviewing and offering what small crumbs of wisdom I can part with to other struggling and tortured artists. *back of hand to forehead*

[emmajoy]

You write superbly and make happy mockery of what turns out to be wet not dry as promised.. Guess you must have been doing the rain-making jig about! The talk of double stuffed Oreos prompted me downstairs.. honey sandwiches now awaiting my attention. Tarrah for now.. or soon. :)

[Paul Bell]

Ah, miss cynical, jaded, and just this side of bitter.
Having done the moses climb, and tossed the tablet.
I can conclude you are probably right. Also you're right about that turn into the valley of death. I drove blindly into it, due to my stubbornness of asking for directions. Luckily Kakabel saved me. I think you're onto something here.

[Carol Cashes]

As a small woman, I loved the David and Goliath pit! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading this little piece.

[Paul Bell]

Pleasure. I love this kind of stuff.

[Coyote Poetry]

I'm more confuse now than I was. I believe I met angels and demons in my life. Either one led me to different path. You left the reader with something to think about my friend. Thank you Carol for sharing the interesting story and thoughts.
Coyote

[Delmar Cooper]

Especially enjoyed the business concerning Martha. I thought that was inventive and well done. In regard to the numbers of angels I have no quarrel with anyone's estimate. As a long standing member of the Baptist church I have a serious quibble with the dancing part.

[Carol Cashes]

I'm glad you liked Martha. This was just a little poke at some of the dogma that can consume as opposed to actually living the Word.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Ha! Hilarious and angelically pedantic! Wheels paid to spin and arrive at drivel- what else is new? Well, that aside, this is a most excellent diatribe and satire. Ananchel is my favorite Pinhead (!)- she fits my color scheme. By the way, I have a dinner reservation tonight at the "Proverbial Pinhead". Care to join me??

[Carol Cashes]

Yup, I hear the loaves and fishes are to die for.