WHAT AM I?: Nephilim WHAT AM I?: Nephilim
A teen boy gets killed, but trades his soul for another chance. He changes. A girl notices the new boy with silver eyes.


A Story by Carol Cashes

Non-fiction introspective of purpose in life






We hear and read about people who enter our lives to teach and instruct us, enrich and fulfill us, expand our horizons and challenge our borders and limits.  Is that really true for everyone--that you are either the receiver of this priceless gift of goodness or the deliverer? That we’re all on a cosmic see-saw of give and take?  Or is there a third dimension?


I struggled for years to find all the soul goodies promised if one just  digs deep enough or continues to pursue with unwavering determination spiritual enlightenment, self-knowledge, and wisdom.  You really cannot know the depths of my despair as I intuitively knew these treasures were unattainable to me, but with no apparent reason why, I was compelled to pursue nirvana in the ways and by the paths recommended by increasing numbers of self-help gurus.


Recently, I finally ceased to look for these promised lessons and much-sought after higher fulfillment from others, partly from fatigue, but more so from indifference, and so I came to understand my true purpose:  I believe that some of us...are just scenery.  Props for the play. The supporting cast for the leading players.  I am the set-up, the environment where your higher consciousness will either grow and develop, or get lost in petty motives and narrow perspectives.


There are very few of us with true passive roles, and we are seldom remembered (as it should be):  I am the rude salesclerk who prompts the tantrum that either destroys a relationship or leads you to counseling by the gifted therapist who changes your life; I am the bank teller who informs you that your account has been closed by your soon-to-be ex-husband that forces you to choose either a path of vengeance or one of accepting loans from friends until reason and fair play can govern; I am the doctor who informs your parent of terminal illness that will lead to resolution of long-standing issues or to denial and the survivor’s lifetime regrets.  I am the catalyst for your arrival at life’s crossroads and milestones.  I do not push you in any one direction--this lies in the province of the co-stars in your story, but I am the spark that is the beginning of each chapter of your life.


 In this life, all I have to do is be where ever I am, and I’m another step closer.  I also discovered that when I stopped expecting blinding insights and heady spiritual dividends, and allowed my natural talent for being in your way to emerge, I began to fulfill my true destiny with little or no effort.  I’m supposed to be forgotten, passed over, and ignored.  


The self-recognized passive will not pursue the results of his small contribution to the stories of your life, and the true adept has already forgotten you.  In fact, overcoming the exclusively human trait of curiosity seems to be the primary lesson for genuine passives.  It is a true solo experience: no one soul that intercepts our existence can impart or share the secrets of the passive’s path, as by virtue of definition, anyone who lingers or loiters in our path has dispelled all apathy and summoned deeper emotions, even if it’s only minor irritation.


So, remember me--forget me--it makes no difference.  If you were prompted to begin a new chapter, my work is done.  I’ve moved on before you even turned the page.


The true message of I am that I am finally has meaning for me:  I was...NEXT!

© 2017 Carol Cashes

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So strange. You sound like the teacher asking the pupil for guidance. Yet you possess the knowledge of real life. No book guru can teach that. You fall down, you get back up. People go to therapists to get their asses kicked nicely. Does it do them any good. No it doesn't. My guru enlightenment is. If you wake up tomorrow, it will be a great day. If you don't. It was great being here.

Posted 2 Months Ago

This was a very interesting read, for more than one reason, but mostly for having my passivity if not confirmed recently, then at least accepted.
What are these other dimensions we can learn from, I bet there are as many guesses as answers, but perhaps beneath the emotions we feel will be the answer that suits me most.
These emotions shared between people are as much part of our senses as other non accepted by some senses, like hunger and fear. We live, learn and thrive from these emotions, so are they not senses, or dimensions?
There is a lot to be said for our inner understanding of the unknown, yet it is black or white in most peoples eyes. I prefer the grey area to be honest, but acceptance does give you one thing that can't be bought...a much calmer life.
great read, that made me think about things no sane person should be thinking at one am, while drinking coffee :)

Posted 2 Months Ago

I just write.
Simple statement.
Explaining to another?
We would have to sit around a table.
Talking to each other.

Posted 2 Months Ago

Carol, this is the most erudite, original, powerful, enlightened and selfless testament I've read. May I humbly join you in the role of "scenery"?- a genuine breakthrough concept! "The passive role"- stellar concept again! I'll be thrilled with that role.If I'm a conduit or catalyst, so be it. Like you, I don't want notice, analysis, remembrance. If I'm supposed to be here for something or someone, then here I am and I'll put one foot in front of the other, and when I'm not here anymore, then like you, I "was". I'm good with it all! No pressure. You are my hero, girl!! Brava!!

Posted 2 Months Ago

Carol Cashes

2 Months Ago

This was actually a "what if" piece. If there are in fact, true passives, there are probably 1 in 3.. read more
Annette Pisano Higley

2 Months Ago

I think I'm "purposed- out" right now! Been so drained by people's "needs". But I still have a sense.. read more
'Recently, I finally ceased to look for these promised lessons and much-sought after higher fulfillment from others, partly from fatigue, but more so from indifference, and so I came to understand my true purpose: I believe that some of us...are just scenery.' So, acknowledging a hero is unnecessary? By displaying admiration .. is merely momentary?

This is both insightful and exciting.. it leads then nudges, then guides then .. questions. In which case surely walking, talking, thinking people such as yourself are not stones, not scenery because they breathe, bleed and at lot more. If we are but are not.. surely the viewer and Self is missing something elemental, recognition of life's pre-ordained path.

Someone wrote more or less as follow: ''I am a part of every being i've ever met, every place i have ever visited, every thought shared with another.' Or, is living in an ivory tower with non. breathing tomes and inanimate possession what makes humans more ... or less .. human?

We might think or see differently but i do understand the way you've analysed your place in life. Of how one is here and gone, a visitor without portfolio, without rights; gone in a blink of an eye.

The concept of someone who ceases to search for the spiritual touch or accepts little or no recognition in a lifetime is perhaps, fooling self into thinking 'I am nothing.. therefore I do not exist!' (Apologies for the snatch.. )

At this point i want to stress that i think your writing is incredibly thoughtful, has a brainwave running throughout plus, leaves a reader compelled to air views that might be considered argumentative.. not meant that way, merely that having visited - like you..i leave a footprint that will rapidly disappear! Perhaps.

' .... as by virtue of definition, anyone who lingers or loiters in our path has dispelled all apathy and summoned deeper emotions, even if it’s only minor irritation. ' To pause is to add dimension, surely> Perhaps!

Posted 3 Months Ago


3 Months Ago

Maybe i should remove this blather of mine, or condense it.. my thoughts ran away.
Carol Cashes

3 Months Ago

*lauyghing* Don't apologize. I'm humbled that my piece inspired that much thinkin'. And am furthe.. read more

3 Months Ago

It's rare to be prompted to think beyond a shopping list at times.. and though almost two ayem.. my .. read more
Have the growing suspicion I'm just scenery--and, since I'm not all that good-looking, decidedly unimpressive scenery. Which, of course, makes me a failure at my rather lowly calling. Will have to lower my sights; perhaps I could still make it as a rock.
In any event, "Scenery" is novel, clever and thoughtful.
Just a genuinely great read, Carol!

Posted 3 Months Ago

Carol Cashes

3 Months Ago

A rock?! *laughing* Technically, if you're truly Scenery, you are forgotten as soon as you're no l.. read more
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this reminded me of Sartre, when he is sitting in a cafe and feels all the people around him are just actors in the play of life...also has a BDSM feel, that you are more comfortable as a passive sub to be used by a more dominant person...was very philosophical tho so really you are that deep thinker making a difference.

Posted 3 Months Ago

That's an interesting introspection you come up with. Defining people as scenery... maybe some are but I think whoever enters our life has a purpose. Whether to teach us lessons and walk away or just simply be there...
What I've come to realize in my thought process is that maybe we aren't meant to seek but to be sought.
I think you're right when you say it really doesn't matter if people remember us or forget us.

This write definitely had my clogged mind working!

Posted 3 Months Ago

Carol Cashes

3 Months Ago

Well, I hope this little shot of Drano works for your clogged brain - your readers need your thought.. read more
Dr. YumnaKay

3 Months Ago

haha yes, I agree :) I'm more of a reader myself than a writer though ;)
I enjoyed this introspective revelation of your thoughts and views. It seems no off the cuff spilling of words, but that which you've seriously pondered. I often think along similar lines, but have in no way defined things as well as you. If I am ever held up as anything worthwhile or special, it will be the decision of others, not me. I just do what I do because I must.

Posted 4 Months Ago

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9 Reviews
Added on June 9, 2017
Last Updated on July 7, 2017
Tags: non-fiction, philosophical


Carol Cashes
Carol Cashes

Biloxi, MS

I'm very cynical, jaded, just this side of bitter and the only reason I haven't crossed that line is a good man loves me. I am extremely empathetic, but seldom sympathetic. I can be a ferociously lo.. more..


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