Trains

A piece of nonsense generated from a writing prompt "Trains"

Trains

 

Trains?!  What the hell do I know about trains?  I asked myself for the gajillionth time since talking to my editor.  Subscriptions were droppin’ and the big boys were gettin’ desperate.   Some geek  investor with a conductor fantasy (and an electric train set up in his basement, probably wore the little hat, too!) threw out the word “train” in a brainstormin’ session at Lucci’s, now I gotta write a “train” article.  A save-the-day “train” article.

 

Runaway Train!  Yeah...yeah...no.  For God’s sakes, Think!  THINK!

 

Desperate...Desperados!  Yeah...yeah...no.  When’s the last big train robbery that hit the news " Jesse James?! Idiot!  Think!  Think!  My brain had been working feverishly now for two days and I was no closer to the Pulitzer Prize than I was in the seventh grade.  It was beginning to take on the proportions of the cure for cancer.   The Prize, not the train.

 

Okay...free association....traaaaaain....Choo! Choo! Yeah, I’ll file that with Potty, if you don’t mind...Although, I had been known to out-potty mouth the best of the fleet...sigh!  Now, that was a night to remember...

 

Ahem!  Again....traaaaaain....Soooooooooul Train!  Uh huh...that and a note from Don Cornelius will get your a*s on a Midnite Train back to Georgia...

 

Like any journalist worth their ink, I had lied, cheated, and lied some more to the top...of the bottom...of the food chain at La Femme Fantasia,  the hottest new magazine to hit the stands this year, and located right smack in the middle of the Big Apple.  This assignment was actually my first big break since getting my foot in the door as a proof-reader just two short months ago.   This was my big chance and I had to pull it off.    I had not put myself through every Creative Writing Class in Atlanta’s best Community Colleges to end up back in Housewares at Wally World.  No, sir!  I was going to lunch with Stephen King and have drinks with James Patterson.  Actually, I had done both.  Eddie King, in Graphics had sprung for burgers just last week, and my neighbor, Wanda Patterson, met me at Winky’s for Ladies’ Night.  But I digress....

 

 Traaaaaain....’All Aboooooard!’...’Tickets, please’...Christ, Harriet Tubman could have single-handedly constructed the Underground Railroad from here to China by now!  Think!  THINK!

 

The Orient Express...hmmm...maybe geek-boy with the little weenie conductor’s cap would like a seat as the murder victim....sigh.

 

Traaaaaaain....Obedience Training...uh huh " Sit up!  Roll over!  Play dead...which is what I’ll be if I have to go back....Think!  THINK! 

 

‘Cuz I’m the little engine that could, by God!   (Groan)...That’s it, I’m going back to pickin’ peaches with convicts.  Think!  THINK!

 

Is this on-the-job-training?  That’s it...they gave this assignment to me ‘cuz nobody else wanted it!  Give it to that new chick in Proofing!  Yeah, I can just hear those snotty, established, well-paid journalists now...sigh.

 

I think I can, I think I can...where is the can on the train?  Logic says the caboose, but, what do I know?  And could somebody point the way to the bar car?  My Long Island Iced Tea needs a little spiking " spike...get it?

 

I was getting seriously panicked, now.  C’mon, baby, do the Locomotion!  Think!  THINK!

 

Traaaaaaain....Ride on the Peace Train...Cat Stevens...are we still boycotting him?  I’m  getting seriously side-tracked, eeewwww...Gerrrl!  You so witty!  Great...delirium...always good for the creative process...Think!  THINK!

 

Traaaaaaain....comin’ ‘round the mountain, traaaaaaain....train, tray-in, traaaaa " hey! That’s Chain of fools, dumb-a*s.  Oh, yeah....

 

My life is now over.  I’ll be meetin’ and greetin’ two-ton Tessie’s in Tupperware...at Wally World...in Atlanta, Georgia...forever.  I should start writin’ the obituary for my dreams...Writer’s Dreams Hit by Train, ’Preceded in death by Hope and Enthusiasm.  Survivors include  Despair, Depression, Fatigue, and Apathy’.

 

There’s got to be an angle " something!  I’ve got to know something about trains " Ain’t no Dudley Doorights in the real world, and Snidely Whiplash is around every corner in the Naked City, just waitin’ for Little Red Ridin’ Hoods " wait...that’s another story...

 

Cheez-n-Rice!   Now, I’ve got dementia.   Think!  THINK!

 

The first assignment of my big writing career " and it’s over before it got started.  I’m finished " washed up!  I got on the fast track (ARRGH!) for a brief moment...and now, it’s over.  The end of the line...

 

Okay, I’ll resign on Monday.  I’ll turn in my plastic “Hello, my name is..” badge and go home to pack.  No, no, I am.  It’s adios, amigos.  Adieu, arrivederci, au revoir, bye-bye, cheerio, ta-ta, later, dude.  I wonder if they say ‘sayonara’ on the Orient Express...

 

 

Author's Note

Nonsense, pure nonsense

Reviews

[roarke]

B&O, Reading, Pennsylvania, Short-line...train robbers, playing monopoly, I dunno. Yer a charmer CC, fun stuff... but now ya gotta write train schedules for the Atchison,Topeka and Sante Fe.... ticket please.

[Einstein Noodle]

ahahahaha ...great fun read, Carol! the train of thoughts are addictive and keep picking up speed .. the puns made me smile .. the tension though, is what keeps the hook in ..all the think think thinks ..wow ...now i'm going to be up all night worrying ;) very much enjoyed and related to all the music you mention as well ..good stuff...fun story :))
E.

[Carol Cashes]

I'm glad you enjoyed this little piece of nonsense. I really was struggling with that writing prompt and just typed what was going on in my head...

[Einstein Noodle]

:) ....................

[Jimmy Yetts]

"The Choo-choo Boo-hoo" made me smile, more than once.
Very nicely done, Carol.
Great entertainment!

[Carol Cashes]

I'm happy if you were entertained. It was a real struggle with a real prompt and decided to just "free style" and see what happened.

[Norman 223]

I can remember my 5 year old daughter singing " The wheels on the train go round and round". After reading this, I wonder if the words should be "The wheels on your brain........" You really went off the rails with this one.
I'm dizzy already. LOL

[Tom Aubin]

Really funny. And a proof that as you said delirium is good for the creative process.
"I was going to lunch with Stephen King and have drinks with James Patterson."
What follows this sentence is pure gold!
You made me laugh, and I felt as if I was sitting on a train wondering what's to say about them so I could help with the article.
Maybe I need to train myself...

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Hilarious! Love this Carol & all the train references...Not the end of the line for you!:))

[Tom]

Well, I'll give you credence even if you won't allow yourself some sympathy, an assignment on the joys of rail travel and the etiquette of train design is no mean challenge, but I think you coped admirably!

Love the discourse and disharmony in your angst filled story, but one thing disappoints me...Did you not for one second consider, ' Thomas the tank engine?

[Carol Cashes]

I didn't know "Thomas" at the time of writing this, but with that and Mr. Dickens reference to Johnny Cash, I may have to update this piece.

[Tom]

Think you might, though maybe to little to late?

[Carol Cashes]

Ahh...you might be right. Well, all of my work has the potential for revision and expansion. I try to be selective which ones I actually pursue.

[Tom]

Yes, be subjective, after all, it's your choice and persuasion that the reader so wants to read and equate with!

[Samuel Dickens]

Yep, this is a grand mol freak out. Done gone wonky, ye have. Poor dear--if only you'd thought of Johnny Cash. If someone made me write a story about an Avon party, I'd go bonkers just like this.

[Carol Cashes]

*laughing* Avon.... *snort*

Yeah, I tried to work the "prompt" seriously, but I'm not lyin' when I say this nonsense was all I could come up with.