You Know You Need a Salad When:

You Know You Need a Salad When:

A Story by Carol Cashes
"

Just a few things I've noticed in the last couple of weeks...

"

You Know You Need A Salad When:

 

You have to polish your toenails in a runner’s stretch:  one leg underneath, knee to chin and the other leg stretched behind you because bending at the waist cuts off your circulation.

 

Your friends ask you if you’re using a new product on your face �" “Your wrinkles are barely there, anymore!”, and you tell them it’s a new diet:  of Double Stuffed Oreos, Nacho Flavored Doritos, and Milky Ways.  Fat Cells, not Cindy Crawford’s magic French melons.

 

Your Spanx just prevents jiggle, doesn’t change the silhouette, sucking it in can only be sustained for 3.2 minutes and is now, in your opinion, an Olympic event.

 

Your feet are a half size bigger.

 

You want to celebrate the birthday of the person who designed the tunic.

 

You actually order a salad, but with a side of loaded baked potato complete with extra butter and sour cream.

 

Life has no meaning without mashed potatoes and fried…well, anything.

 

You laugh when you step up to order food, say “One of everything”, but you really mean it in your cholesterol choked heart and wish your paycheck would actually cover that order.

 

You consider everything less than 500 calories to be “diet” or “lite”.

 

You demurely refuse dessert…after four breadsticks and a lumberjack portion of Chicken Alfredo. 

 

You have to move the driver’s seat back but you claim it’s because air bags can kill you.

 

You finally have boobage, but that “sexy” bra pushes them up under your chin and they now seem a little threatening that close to your throat.

 

You tell your friends you’re “packing” and they assume it’s a gun.  They’re right…but it’s really because running is simply out of the question.

 

And this ends all the humiliation my fat a*s can take today, so Bite Me!   No…really, take a big bite outta the crime that has become my body! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


© 2017 Carol Cashes



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Reviews

Who needs a salad when there are more delicious things out there! Fine fine, a salad, but maybe more than just one...

The boobage one got me because oh god, it is threatening to see

Posted 1 Year Ago


Literally LMAO!! So relatable to most likely every woman alive!!! I found my self internally screaming "ME TOO!!" sharing this with my mother too :)

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

I'm not really considered a ray of sunshine among my friends, so I'm happy I could make someone smil.. read more
Ha-ha! Peter Gabriel said, "I don't mind being old so much as I mind being old and fat." Ain't that the truth! And to think my weight at the end of high school was 145. Now my feet weigh that much.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

Oh, my God! I flashed on Hobbit - Sam Baggins Dickens? Too, too funny!
Samuel Dickens

1 Year Ago

Now the secret is out. Care to join me in second breakfast?
Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

Good one! I'm laughing...B. feels good enough to cook breakfast this morning and I'm not telling hi.. read more
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Lol love this
It made me laugh
I start my salads tomorrow it's Sunday in Sydney tomorrow

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

"start my salads" sounds like you're surrendering to start your prison sentence...
I'm glad y.. read more
Juliespenhere

1 Year Ago

Lol
No I need to try
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Gee
You have quickly risen to the " go to " place to gave a read. I comment not often because I am a shite reviewer, but have read most of your posts and am a fan ( middle aged, prone to pissing on people's sofas, have never more needed a bidet and hair grows more quickly up my nose and out of my ears than it does on my head ) of your writing.
Carry on Cashes I say, carry on.....

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

And you, Gee, always make me laugh! I appreciate that you told me you read my work, even if you don.. read more
I'm well convinced that in my next life, I shall be a rabbit...but life without mashed potatoes? No way!!

Great job!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

*dulll monotone* mashed potatoes...gravy...BISCUITS!!!
Don't mind b***s under my chin--not my own, of course.
Ya dun good, Carol; conjured up all manner of humorous images.
A truly fun read!


Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

I'm a straight, pasty, middle-aged white lady, and someone else's b***s wouldn't bother me too much .. read more
"Boobage"- absolutely cracked me up! The entire poem is awesome and I think your next career should be in stand-up comedy! Thank you for the honesty, stellar humor and much-needed belly-laughs ( pun So intended!)..

Posted 1 Year Ago


Annette Pisano-Higley

1 Year Ago

Mine too! Estrogen is a fair-weather friend- she has abandoned us and left us in crisis- egg-shaped .. read more
Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

I am laughing so hard, the crumbs in my bra shifted. Ow! The word "estrogen" just made me realize .. read more
Annette Pisano-Higley

1 Year Ago

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :D :):):):):)
Very entertaining. After a certain age mature women just don't give a crap. We earned every pound and wrinkle and there's more to life than allowing a scale or people to dictate how we care for our bodies. You are amazing Carol. Excellent work.

Posted 1 Year Ago


This is truly funny & original! I was reminded of when I used to go to a so-called "Salad Bar" and I ate more fattening foods there than anywhere! But didn't we feel self-righteous!??! There are some very hilarious zingers here for those of us who don't take our bodies too seriously! *wink! wink!* Thanks for the laugh!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Carol Cashes

1 Year Ago

I'm glad you could laugh. This was inspired by the first lines. My husband walked in on me while I.. read more
barleygirl

1 Year Ago

That opening pose definitely started off your poem in the hilarious lane! Nicely visual fodder . . ... read more

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Added on August 8, 2017
Last Updated on August 8, 2017
Tags: fiction, humor

Author

Carol Cashes
Carol Cashes

Biloxi, MS



About
I'm very cynical, jaded, just this side of bitter and the only reason I haven't crossed that line is a good man loves me. I am extremely empathetic, but seldom sympathetic. I can be a ferociously lo.. more..

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