OPEN HOUSE

Silliness resulting from a prompt - An Old House, written in the same spirit of Trains.

OPEN HOUSE " October Assignment

 

Hello, hello, come on in...Yesssir, this is the Open House in the advertisement.  Come in, come in!  Let me take your coats, I’m sure you’ll want to take your time as you look around.  This is one fine old house and the Seller is very motivated.  Can I get you some coffee, a soda?...Sure, sure, I got Tab (I only had to go two states over to buy it, so don’t look at the expiration date, fat boy)...

Okay!  I just need you folks to sign the Guest Book and I’ll show you around...Alrighty!  Let’s start in the front room, here.  Notice that chandelier?  It’s the real deal (you’ll know by the pretty rainbows when the house starts shakin’!)) Ahem!...Yes, the owner is leaving the  furniture, Whoa!  Hey, Sport,  don’t jump on that sofa, it’s an antique (yeah...genyoowine victorian firewood)...did I mention the Seller is very motivated? ...THUMP!...What was that?  Oh, you know how these old houses are, with settling’ and all...(For God’s sakes, it’s still daylight out.  You’d think they’d wait at least until dark...) 

Now, through here, we have the family room....What’s that?  Outlets?  Well, this old heap...cough!...uh, house, is on the Historical Society’s List (Just don’t ask me which one) and certain upgrades have to be approved by them.  I’m sure it’ll be no problem.  In fact, I can recommend a good contractor (and maybe get my lard-a*s brother-in-law off my couch).   Notice these are the original gas lights " don’t see that every day! (don’t see much of s**t with these damn things!) ...SQUEEEEEEECK!...Heh, heh...old plumbing gets a little air in the pipes, makes all kinds of weird noises...get some water flowing regularly-- should take care of that.  I mentioned the Seller is very motivated, didn’t I? 

Let’s move on to the kitchen, it’s right down the hall here...watch your step there, little lady (Christ! The only little things on this one are those beady eyes!  Sheesh!).   The kitchen is located in the back of the house with the servant’s quarters.  Yep!  You can move the mother-in-law right in-- plenty of room! Heh...heh...(What?! You ain’t got one--well, take mine.  The old bat will fit right in here...)

Appliances?  Well, these are all antiques, wood stoves are real charming I think...uh... let’s go on upstairs and have a look-see.  You’re gonna love the large bedrooms, they all have fireplaces (just ignore the bones in the grates!)  and the Master Bedroom has a balcony (it’s a regular Lover’s Leap!).  The Seller is very motivated, you know.  Just make an offer, I’m sure he’ll take it...Here we go.  Notice the workmanship on this staircase (and ignore those pesky bloodstains!)  CRASH!  BUMP BUMP...HISSSSSSSSS.....Yep, these old houses make a lot of noise when they’re vacant, you know with the settling and the plumbing.  But once it’s occupied, with folks are movin’ around and such, why you hardly even notice. (Yessir!  Hard to hear anything  when you’re screamin!)   

I tell you what, I'll just let you folks look around on your own, The missus will love those walk-in closets (if you don’t mind not walking out)   You two talk it over, I’ll wait for you downstairs, you know, in case someone else comes in, I kinda like to be there to greet them...here, take my flashlight.  I can find my way down.  The attic?  I believe it’s locked, the Seller lost the key or something, but a good locksmith can fix that right up in a jiffy.  In fact, I can recommend a good locksmith (he’s up for parole next week) You folks just take your time, I’ll be right downstairs.  You know the Seller is very motivated, dont’cha?  I mentioned that already?...well, it’s a helluva investment property for the right buyer...Sink a little capital into the upgrades and a smart  buyer could double, hell, triple their money in no time at all.  Today’s market...oh, but you look like a savvy businessman, (Yessir! I could tell by that fine Yugo you pulled up in) I don’t need to explain economics to you, do I?

Like I said, I’ll be right downstairs, just take your time.  If you don’t mind me sayin’, I think this house is a perfect match for you two and Sport, over here...Hey! Heeeyyy...Sport, put that sword back in the armor, son, that’s a dangerous weapon.  You don’t want to accidentally hurt somebody, do ya? Heh...heh...Whew!  He’s a pistol, ain’t he? (Gonna need one to take him down!) Alrighty!  I’ll leave you now...talk it over, I can have the papers drawn up this afternoon...

 

ONE HOUR LATER...

 

Hello, hello, come on in...Yesssir,  this is the Open House in the advertisement.  Come in, come in!  Let me take your coats, I’m sure you’ll want to take your time as you look around.  This is one fine old house and the Seller is very motivated.  Can I get you some coffee, a soda?

 

 

Author's Note

Pure nonsense - writing prompts seem to pull this kinda of silliness out of me, think Trains.

Reviews

[janthsull53]

loved the beady little eyes and the blood stains and the bones in the grates and I didn't think anybody remembered Tab. Nice job!

[genocide]

very good very dark and scary my dear

[Cpt. Alex Rover]

Wow. Just wow. This is amazing, I love the way the dialog is written, amazing work with those punctuations and parenthesis cuts to separate parts

[Zoya]

Haha, I see what nonsense you were talking about! This is amazing. I've probably never read anything like this before...truly humorous! I'd love to live in a house such as this, though. Lol. The experience would be hella good.
Very well penned! I enjoyed it

[Carol Cashes]

Then let me further your education, read The Women's Club. I crack myself up when I read it but then, I lived it.

[Zoya]

I already actually did read it. Awestruck...literally. You are so damn chilled and carefree!! I do wish I was so open to lay down pieces such as that. Kudos to you!!

[Carol Cashes]

Don't be afraid, if you write something that makes you laugh...then if nothing else, it's like treating yourself to a new pair shoes! It's not bravery that compels me to post my work, it's the fact that it's MINE, good, bad or indifferent. And hey! If it's bad, ya ain't gotta worry 'bout nobody stealin' it, and only you can make it better - YOUR choice. Own yourself and all that that means.

[Carol Cashes]

In my own back patting, I forgot to thank you for reading. That's the main thing all writers want - to be read. Fame's cool, and I'd love to lunch with James Patterson and have drinks with Rowling, but bottom line? I can buy my own booze and McNuggets!

[Carol Cashes]

P.S. Living in that house would be cool? Have you seen a teen horror movie lately? My advice if you do, don't have sex! They're the first to die.

[Zoya]

Woah...inspirational. I'll be heeding those words. Thank you there. And it was my pleasure!

[Zoya]

Uh-oh, I missed that. Yes. It would be cool. And thank you for that bit of advice xD

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Faulty Towers and Addams Family married and gave birth to this house of horrors! Haaaa! And the Realtor acts like he's trying to sell the Hotel in "The Shining" . Great idea- so clever and funny! Imagine if we could hear between the lines of conversations- what a hoot!- or maybe not? Excellently penned with good construct, flow, continuity, transitions. LOL! Loved it.

[Relic]

If only we could hear the truth and real intentions under it all....haha

This is entertaining nonsense to me.

Nice one Carol. :)

[emmajoy]

Thank you so much, Carol...almost immediately fell into your story with a loud cheer and laugh! What an inventive whirling- stirring style, what a thrilling build up, what wonderful parenthesised comments, etc. etc. etc. etc... This isn't silliness, this is spookiness, mystery, humour and more wrapped in special and clever language!

Minor negative, maybe paragraph here and there where possible.. first view of a vast block of lettersand thus, perhaps a mite off.putting..

[Carol Cashes]

Yeah, I thought about "paragraphing" it after I posted, but the commentary is runs together. However, I did divvy it up by room, or tried to. Done and done.

[emmajoy]

Maybe ask other previous reviewers what they think about your paras.. i might be wrong.. it's rare but - !!!!!!

For me is clearer.. and the blue wording at the end of each para beckons the reader' eyes to read on... and on.. and on.

Addendum : You wicked you, am hyst erical ..
' ' You can move the mother-in-law right in-- plenty of room! Heh...heh...(What?! You ain’t got one--well, take mine. The old bat will fit right in here...)

:))))))))) 0

[Jimmy Yetts]

One clever creation.
Displays both insight and a faculty for satire.
Irreverent entertainment!

[Carol Cashes]

One strange mind always recognizes another, eh? I used to be my best under pressure, deadlines looming, but some prompts...I got nuttin', so I just wing it. I do have a fondness for sarcastic and dry characters, they mirror the all those things I can't say out loud....