Desperation

original artwork

Your insults fly around my head
Like black demon-birds, circling in
For the kill
Suddenly I get that feeling--
The one that tells me things are about
To get a whole lot worse.
Sure enough, you suddenly lunge
Towards me,
And something inside me
Makes a little "snick",
A clicking sound as it slides into place.
The constant self-death,
Every particle of my identity, of my soul
Under panic and fear at all times
From your relentless attacks,
No, no more, I think. No more.
I am done, I'm through, and
Just thinking that way makes me stronger, so
I foolishly get up to go, heading for the door.
Your hand around my neck, a chokehold
That yanks me backwards, up and off my feet,
Until my weight hits you and we both
Crash to the floor. What was I thinking?
Was I imagining, for one second there,
That I was the one in control? Stupid, stupid, stupid,
I think to myself every time you beat my head
Against the floor, laughing that maniacal laugh
Saying, Just where do you think you're going?

It doesn't matter, anymore, to me
Whether you grab me around my neck and pull me back
Physically, with your fingers digging into my skin,
Or mentally, saying just the right things to keep me
In this endless prison of broken dreams
That have been hollowed out,
Filled with horror,
And handed back to me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I cry over and over,
Desperately trying to pacify you,
Knowing, in that safe, secret place deep inside my heart,
That if I don't find the strength to leave,
I will die here.

Worse than knowing that you
Hold the imminent possibility
Of my death
In your hands
Is the not knowing
If I hold the courage to live
In mine.

Reviews

[Sami Khalil]

In this endless prison of broken dreams
That have been hollowed out,
Filled with horror,
And handed back to me.
Some powerful lines in a great poem . Thank you for sharing...:)

[catofjade]

Thank you so much, I really do like those lines myself!

[Sami Khalil]

I like them too. You are welcome...:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

a very telling last stanza...the self-doubt from the constant inflicted abuse.

i despise people who do this to others.

a lot of pain in this poem...there is the constant inkling of hope that springs up but then is quashed...

even at the end...

jacob

[catofjade]

Thank you for your insightful comments.

[Krithika Raghavan]

THat was actually amazing. I enjoyed this read, particularly after I've read your "About me" intro in you profile...
Desperation is such a powerful subject to write about. Everyone's felt it, and the edge you give in your poem makes everyone understand what you're talking about. Uniquely written~

[catofjade]

Thank you so much, I was not sure this would be taken seriously, as indeed it is. Thank you for taking the time to comment!!

[Don Shaw]

WOW so much depth here. Personal torment of ones mind , struggle of self worth. Very emotional . Deals with the mind,body and spirit. Great work!

[catofjade]

hey thanks! I like what u said about it all.

[Quattro Hall]

this one has a brutal taste. Its a dark place where are minds go. the fears and memory's that linger. false or not they haunt minds.

[catofjade]

Nothing that is false haunts me. It is only the truth that has the power to hurt.