Jim's Chapter 1

Jim meets a girl named Mony, which is odd, since the living can't normally see him. Afterwards, he encounters a demon which may put lives at risk.

I was at this little diner off Kennsington Street in Tri City, which one of the biggest cities located in Florida. It’s like the Sunshine State’s own New York. It has skyscrapers, high rises, all that good stuff. The diner was a nice little joint, like a fifties type nostalgia thing. It had a juke box that played Buddy Holly and the Crickets, Dion and the Belmonts, Elvis, Little Richard, that sort of thing. Pictures of race cars and movie posters for movies like “Rebel Without A Cause” and other popular movies of the time decorated the walls. I was sitting over in a booth, reading the newspaper. My uniform was a white dress shirt, blue jeans, under a black leather trench coat. I got my choice of boots, by the way. Those cool half boots the Beatles wore in the early sixties. Far out, I know. On the breast part of my jacket, was a red insignia. A metal disk, with a skull in the middle. The word “Valkerie” was above the skull. Underneath the skull, it said “Department of Spirit Justice.” My belt buckle was similar. There was skull, but also my name was over it. “James W. Spectre.” Underneath the skull, it said “Spirit Officer: First Class.” That’s the kind of an officer like a regular police officer in your town. I was the only one on the job in my city for a little while at the time of the diner thing. I was reading the newspaper, and the waitress walked by me about three times. She couldn’t see me. If I wanted her attention, I’d have to yell really loud, or slap her in the face. I chose to scream. But that was like a loud whisper to a Livy. That’s a Valkerie term for someone who’s alive.

“Yes, sir?” She asked.

“Can I have a Coke, please? No ice?”

“Sure, be right back,” she said.

It was a slim chance that I would get my drink. That Livy might forget about me, even she was the smartest on Earth. Livies don’t have much of an attention span when it came to us undead folk. I sat back reading the newspaper, not sure why I was doing that. The Livy world didn’t mean anything to me, anymore. I was dead. I had a world even crazier to deal with.

The world you know is like a rest stop off a highway. Yeah, you’ll get some nice spirits to pull in sometimes. But other times, you get the serial killers and nut jobs. In my case, demons that want to destroy the Livy world. Also called Midgard. I didn’t really care who the President of the United States was. It didn’t matter to me any wars going on or what present political situation Russia was in. All I cared about, was letting Livy humans do their thing in peace. If they wanted to kill each other, go ahead. All I had to do, was make sure Livies were doing the killing, not demons. I looked over, and saw the waitress with my Coke. She was walking toward me. I smiled, it was going to be a good day. Wrong. She stopped in her tracks, with a look of wonder. As if she was thinking “Why am I standing here with a Coke?” I wolf whistled, and she saw me. She walked up to me.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“Yeah. Can I have a Coke?”

She looked around. “I have one here, but I don’t know who wanted it.”

“Eh, I’ll take it.”

She shrugged and smiled. She put it on the table and handed me a straw. I smirked back. What a bad waitress. She gave me someone else’s drink! It didn’t matter, since I ordered it a few minutes before. She’d forget again who I was, or maybe she’d be smart enough to see the Coke glass in front of me. Sometimes they can see things that are mine if they aren’t attached to me. For example, I took my jacket off once, and someone almost stole it. I snagged it away, of course, and the thief lost sense of what he just did. But anyway, I went back to reading my useless paper. It said something about a Russian diplomat. I don’t remember exactly. I turned the page, and just read about some guy named Roger who was killing people. See? Perfectly fine. Livy killing other Livies. As long as he wasn’t a demon performing the homicides, I was doing my job.

I glanced over to my left, observing a group of teenage girls about my age. Them not seeing me allowed me to look at them all I wanted without fear of being called a weirdo. When I was alive, I was sure I’d of found the apparent leader of the pack, a petite red head in a pink tank-top and jeans, interesting to say the least. I was dead. I guess the pull of a female’s physical attractiveness didn’t have the same effect on me it used to. Although I did meet a woman Valkerie who was…very nice looking. Guess I had a crush on her. I don’t know.

Then, I smelled something. Strange. Had a weird tang to it. I looked up, and slid my hand into my jacket pocket, getting ready for action. But it was just a homeless looking girl. I was younger and somewhat inexperienced then. The difference between an apparition and just a smelly Livy were still a little sketchy. I relaxed. The girl was cute, if the dirt and grime was wiped away. She had what seemed like blondish-brown hair. She was tan, but a dirty face. She had on a green Woodstock t-shirt, ripped jeans, and a sports jacket. Also I think she was wearing yellow Crocs. I thought it was funny. Not the clothes or smell or general financial situation, but her domineer. She didn’t seem to care about what everyone else in the diner thought. I saw snickering and snobbish glances, especially from the group of girls I was just talking about

As a sub-passed, Valkerie term for dead person in my situation which I’ll explain later, I didn’t received treatment like a regular Livy. No passing glances or smiles. No handshakes or hugs. I wasn’t there. But I wasn’t gone. But that girl made me remember my life a little. What made a real impression on me was what she did next. I was staring, but only to study her, so to speak. Not in a creepy way. She couldn’t see me anyway. So I thought. She bought a sandwich and a bottle of water. She walked passed me and turned around.

“You have a problem, buddy?” She asked.

Reminded me of my old neighborhood in New York.

“No.”

“Then stop staring.”

She walked away and sat down. I went back to my paper. Then it hit me. She saw me. I turned my head and saw her take a bite into her sandwich. A Livy never said something to me first. I pulled up the sleeve of my jacket and pointed my watch at her. It wasn’t a typical watch. Where noon should have been, it said Livy. Where the three should have been, it said Spectral. The six said Ghost. The nine said Demon. When you’re dead, it doesn’t quite make a difference what time it was. I clicked the side button, and the hand began to spin. Usually it would spin for a second and landed on something. First, it stopped on Livy. Then it twitched and was sent to demon. Then all the way around back to demon, then to Spectral, then Ghost. Then it kept spinning and hitting random ticks. I clicked the button to calm to stop it. It was broken, I assumed. Mephistos or Cromwell never mentioned a Livy-Spectral-Ghost-Demon.

 I drank the rest of my Coke, and pointed my finger at the homeless girl. I liked her spunk. I concentrated, and I felt the smooth exit of my Magic soar over to her. Simple charm. Instantly, her odor died and she smelled…like nothing. I got up and left a few dollars for the waitress. I walked over to the girl and waited to see if she saw me again. She swallowed and looked up.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for staring. I kinda…daydream a lot. I guess I drifted away in your direction. I wasn’t trying to stare.”

She smiled.

“Nice backtracking. Wanna sit down? If you don’t, I understand. I haven’t taken a shower in a week. Lack of a house, you see.”

I laughed and sat down. I liked her.

“Thanks. I’m Jim.”

She held out her hand. I shook it.

“Mony. You look dressed up. Date or something?”

“No. I’m working. Uh…Police training. Kind of a neighborhood watch sort of thing. Know what I mean?”

She nodded. She finished off her sandwich and slugged her water in one shot. She put the bottle in her pocket.

“I save these. Fill ‘em up at water fountains in the park and around town. Good trick I learned from some hobo friends of mine.

I laughed again.

“Can I buy you something?” I asked.

She shrugged.

“Another thing I learned, never reject something free. Go ahead, Jimmy.”

She was really cool. I handed her ten dollars. She ordered something, I forget what, and a soda. She came back to me and chowed down.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it,” she said.

“No problem. You’re the first person to talk to me in long time.”

She smirked again. Even though she was covered in dirt, I couldn’t help but think how pretty she was. If she was clean and smelled nice and had girl clothes, she’d be a bombshell. Maybe I wasn’t immune to the charms of living females after all. We talked for a while about unimportant stuff. An hour later, we got up and walked out together. She leaned against a wall and chatted with me for another few minutes.

“Well, Jimmy, you come around here often?”

“No. I usually prowl around more downtown.”

“Oh. Well, I’m usually in these parts or I stay in the North section of the Park. Come find me sometime. Bring some deodorant for me and we’ll hang out.”

She was funny.

“You got yourself a deal, Mony.”

She looked at a cracked digital watch.

“’Kay I have homeless things to do. I’ll see you around, Jimmy.”

She strolled away, and I watched her walk. I put a trace enchantment on her so I’d always know where she was if I wanted to see her. Hell, I thought I’d buy her some clothes and some hygienic stuff. I didn’t have any friends or a girlfriend when I was alive. Mony seemed like a good candidate for either option. Undead spiritual police officer and humorous homeless girl. Sounds like a weird sitcom. I went into an ally, and climbed up the ladder to a roof top. I strolled along the ledge and looked for some action. Then, I sensed it. Smelled it. That familiar scent I’d only felt a few times before. I looked down, and saw Mony walking down the sidewalk. But I soon forgot about her. I was interesting in what was a hundred yards behind her. I didn’t think it was following her, but it was bad. It was tall, big. Wearing a trench coat. I pointed my watch, and it struck Demon. Like I really needed my watch to know that. I got into an ally where I knew the demon would pass. I walked to the back of the ally, and waited. It rambled slowly to the mouth of the ally.

“Yo, handsome,” I murmured.

It stopped in its tracks and dramatically turned its head to me. I was leaning against the wall, grinning. My arms were folded and my ankles were crossed. Perfect way to draw him into battle. He took a few steps in and drew itself to its full height.

“Isn’t it kinda hot in that thing?” I asked. “Oh, wait! You’re from hell! It must not be hot enough up here.”

It took off its hat, then shrugged off the coat. Ugly son of a gun. He was six foot five, and I was sure he wasn’t that tall when he was alive. He had a nasty green-blue skin, which was hard and crusty. His ears were huge and drooping, with gold rings piercing them. He didn’t have any more hair or eyebrows. His eyes were yellow and had pupils like a cat’s. He bared his fangs, and his purple tongue slithered around his face, licking it. My hand, in a very slick way, found its way into my jacket pocket. The demon wasn’t wearing a shirt. The short spikes on his shoulders, arms, and sides would have torn through an article of clothing anyhow. He did wear pants, thank God. His fingernails grew into talons, I could see how yellow they were, and the dead skin and dried blood that caked them. Spit drooled out of his mouth, and snot dripped down his nose a little bit. I wished there was an abandoned box of Kleenex in that ally. I would have loved to throw it at him. I wasn’t scared, though. I had taken on uglier, bigger, and meaner.

“You a Valkerie, ain’t ya?” The demon asked.

“Yeah.”

“The older demons tell me I should fight one of you guys. It’ll make me stronger. Fighting and killing makes demons stronger.”

I chuckled and shook my head.

“You’re listening to them? You’re competition over doing evil stuff? Yeah, the more you fight the stronger you get. But you’re one of the weakest demons I’ve ever met. You’re nowhere near in my league.”

That made him mad. He growled and hunched over. He grunted and massive bat-like wings ripped from his back. It would have been a lot more dramatic if he did it on a roof. But he let out his twenty foot wingspan in a ten foot wide ally. The wings smashed against the walls, chipping them. He yelped out in pain. I laughed my butt off. That pissed him off. He sucked in a deep breath, and his eyes started to pop out of his head. Then, his mouth opened impossibly wide, and a white stream of Magic energy erupted from his throat. It was a slow moving attack. I could see it coming for miles. But for a regular Livy, it would nuked them in a second. I saw the blast coming, and I jumped up high. The blast hit the ground and caused a small crater. I got my feet on the wall, and saw him suck in more air. It was an interesting technique. I would have liked to learn it. As a distraction type thing. But if it wasn’t a fast enough move, it would be near useless. It was this guy’s primary thing, so he was screwed when it came to fighting me. I was on the wall for half a second, and the blast came at me again. I jumped again, and the beam of white light shot into the sky. I landed about five feet from the street. My back was to the people on the sidewalks and the cars driving by. The demon turned around, he was exhausted. He was breathing heavy, and his pores were basically throwing out the sweat. His eyes were bugging out, and I could hear his high pitch growls. He put his wings back in, so he could turn to face me. My hand went back into my inside pocket of my jacket.

“Okay, you have two choices,” I began. “One, you can surrender. I’ll give you your Last Rights, and kill you quickly. You’ll be given a minimal sentence and you’ll serve it in Purgatory. Or, you can resist.” I grabbed the sword handle. “I’ll kill you.” I began to draw the weapon. “And you’ll go back to Hell.” My shining katana was out of my jacket and at my side. My Spirit Weapon’s steel glittered. At the corner of my eye, I could see the demon souls I reaped moving around in the blade. Well, their imprint was in my sword. Their real souls were burning in Hell. The Three foot blade was itching to slice into some demon flesh. The demon grunted, and I saw the look in his eyes. He wanted to surrender. His nature, however, said otherwise. He sucked in much more air. His eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. Then, he launched a blast with twice the power of the other ones. I was about to doge it, then I realized the people behind me. The blast would vaporize them. I put my left hand out, which didn’t have my sword, and moved my fingers in a rotating motion. The blast struck my magic shield. I was only using one hand, so it was tough to control the beam for a minute. Then, I turned it up, and the blast redirected and fired onto the sky. The demon was horrified. But he barred his teeth again, and his wings came out. He jumped at me, and his talons were aiming for my throat.

Reviews

[Brittanie Bardwell]

I really like this chapter. It's a really good start. I'm not the biggest fan of first person narration but you write it very well. I would suggest maybe combining some of your sentences to give it a better flow. At some points, I got distracted from the flow because I had to pause. Otherwise, other then a few grammatical errors, it is very good. I really like the descriptions and the way your main character thinks. I hope, though, that the next chapters explain everything so I'm not wondering endlessly on how he died. :)

[Sean Cairns]

This is a good start! It's an interesting concept, one I don't think I've come across before, and it's delivered with a pretty cool narrative. A few spelling and grammar errors, but hey, nothing's perfect. I'll definitely carry on reading this!

[Saria Lon]

I really like the concept, your narrative, your characters and setting; it's really interesting! The internal dialogue works well. You seem to have a good grasp of your main character.
Some criticism I will add is that some parts are choppy and have grammatical errors which threw me out a little bit.
For example, the paragraph beginning with "It was a fifty fifty chance..." seemed a bit jumbled, perhaps due to a slight overload of thoughts and ideas and short sentences. I think if you separated it more and lengthened or combined some sentences then it would be a smoother read.
Other than that, this story is really intriguing and I look forward to reading more. :)

[cbritto6]

Awesome, thank you! I wrote this when I was 17 and I'm trying to fix it up haha. Thanks for the feedback!