Two bodies, a bottle, and a barrel

An experiment into crime/noir/investigative fiction.

Two dead bodies, a broken bottle of whiskey, and a revolved with an empty barrel. Sure looked like a fight. I'd seen the story a thousand times: man gets drunk, man gets mad, man shoots other man. Sometimes man shoots himself in the end. That explains the second guy.

They told me not to come. "We've got it," the chief said. "Just a run-of-the-mill murder suicide." As if two deaths by one hand could ever be ordinary. What a sick world.

"See what I mean?" the chief asks. Of course I see it. It's plain as day. In fact, it looks like a movie set. Everything is bright, straight, artificial. A furniture store air of isolation, not the kind of place someone really lives at. It's a set up. Nothing looks this good unless someone wants it to.

And drunkards never keep a place this clean.

So what's the clue. Where's the turned up carpet to point me to the killer? The fingerprints on the gun? A clock broken to tell some cryptic method? None of it to see here. The carpet hugs the floor tight, the fingerprints are certainly one man's--he still held it when we arrived--and the clock keeps on ticking.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. You're running out of time, it reminds me.

 

Okay, clear your mind. Think. Where’s the motive? Find the motive, and the perp will follow. It always works. So who are these two?

 

The murderer is a port drifter, a sailor identified by more man than one down at the docks. He drinks heavy they said. Not much else to know about him. He never told much, and the only thing anyone ever saw him do was drink. As for his friend, he’s a shopowner. Got in trouble a few years back with the law after getting caught with a tramp.

 

And just like that, it makes sense. The tramp. The drifter comes into town, bored and lonely with a few months at sea. Goes to see his favorite girl. Finds she works for a new man now, and that man says the price went up. Pay it or leave, he says. The drifter responds with an offer: let’s talk over a drink.

 

He schmoozes but the shopkeep holds his drink. A few drinks later the pair starts to stumble. A few more and the world spins. The drifter gets a bright idea. Kill the pimp and take the girl himself. He has the gun. It’s easy. So he does it. And the girl comes in and she loved the shopkeep and she breaks down in tears. She hates the drifter, so he hates himself. The only out from that pain? A bullet to the brain.

 

I lean down and run my hand through the carpet. I pull up a long strand of long red hair. There’s the link.

 

“What’s that?” the chief asks.

 

“Our killer.” I tell the chief my story, and walk out the door. They should know to call me.

Author's Note

Trying to play with a really strong, almost exaggerated voice. I'd love to know what works, what doesn't, and what you think could help. Basically any constructive criticism is welcome!

Reviews

[A.R. Elvira]

This reminds me so much of Sherlock Holmes. I liked your writing style, I was engaged from beginning to end, you really know how to create a story that flows neatly, without interruption.
The voice is great, and I like noir crime, but I gotta say his arrogance is a little overbearing. I kept reading because you did such a good job creating a flow - once I started I couldn't stop. You have to make your readers like the protagonist, or anti hero, or who ever your running with as main character. However, I understand that this is you whole point - experimenting with a strong voice. I think for me personally it would work if there was more. If you decided to take this and create into something larger, I would continue with this arrogant know it all, but then introduce something that softens him. Maybe he's lost someone, a woman, a child...Something that makes him seem like the good guy, or more accurately, that he once was a good guy and even though he's arrogant in his core he is good.

I see this being dangerous because it's been done so many times before, though. Arrogant guy, seems like a total prick, but hey he's actually suffered heaps and is sad and broken and kind. It's been done so many times for a reason though, because it works. Anyway...I'm getting a little carried away with what I would do with it, but what's important is what you would do with it. It's up to you, but I think if you decide to take this further it has real potential. I'll be keeping an eye on it to see if you do!

[Chris]

Thanks, that's all super helpful!

And yeah, I always catch myself sticking strongly to stereotypes for short pieces like this. I've got a comedy background so I think I always pictured him as the guy who is really good, knows it, but no one else knows it or will even believe him.

Anyway, thanks for the all the input!

[A.R. Elvira]

A comedian writing noir crime, nice. No worries, glad it was helpful to you.

[Marie]

I like his arrogance; that endears him to me.

[Marie]

This is so good I ead it a second time, because the end it what gave flavour to the story.