DEAD CITY

 

 

In the shadow of a silver building that scraped the sky blue and gleaming, a city was dead and the subway silent, and the world had died---

 

There was no sound except for the air softly blowing between the buildings, and perhaps the sound of crows picking over a crust of stale bread, and maybe another building softly shutting down. An odd thought came, did the skyscrapers creak? she looked up and they didn't. They simply glared in the spewing white sun, sounding like nothing but big rising stillness, and she wondered at them because she thought for certain they sounded like the booming and screaming of traffic and buses and taxis, and people jabbering on cellphones. Now the skyscrapers stood silent, proving their dignity, waiting for the acceptance of their solid art.

 

She looked down. In the blue coolness at the solidness beneath her feet, between her fashionable black heels, there were little patches of green grass that had sprouted up through the sidewalk cracks. They were stunted from growing, and being pushed down, growing, and being pushed down, growing, and being smashed by a million shoes in the day. Stubborn little lives, toughly rooted in the hard dirt, some of the only survivors---

 

Maybe, she thought, stepping off of the little smashed grasses, maybe if nobody walks here for a long, long time, the grass will grow and the city will turn into a garden, and the plants will reach as tall as the gleaming skyscrapers . . .

 

Reviews

[Billy Baphomet]

I like the concept there C., the idea of a world without humanity's plague. Without our viral noise and bacterial existence, a world such as this would surely be reclaimed by Mother Earth and return to a state of grace.

Referring to Jason Young's review, in his rewrite he still used the word "was", but perhaps in place of it "seemed" could be utilized. If one truly wishes to become so exacting.

I believe that language and prose should always be strengthened, but it should always be an organic process as well, one that comes from the raging fever-mind of bard-in-ecstacy and is immortalized in text or on paper. Without this soulful connection to the work, it shall never succeed. I know many would-be writers who nitpick themselves on verbage and never get anything moving accomplished, then there are others who simply let it flow, and their work is the most striking.

Great scribe, love the concept, and keep writing!

[Jemima Laing]

Very nice. I like your use of sound in description. You switch back and forth between friendly and unfriendly adjectives when describing the skyscrapers. I didn't know if this was on purpose or not.

[Starting Over]

That was very cleaver! I loved it! It was just wow!

[Adeline]

Ooh, this is interesting! Is it done? Just wondering if you're going to continue it or not, cause it leaves you hanging for sure! :D

[Jason Young]

Very good Bradbury-esque stylistics. Not a perfect emulation, but there's something just mystical about the fashion in which he writes that nobody else can copy. I can see where you copied his style almost too well however- for example:

An odd thought came, did the skyscrapers creak?

I don't remember the sentence exactly, but somewhere in Fahrenheit 451, there's something almost exactly like that. Be careful when you're writing tributes- you most certainly want to avoid using the author's exact wording.

As far as subject matter goes, this is very good. The typical Bradbury irony is evident here, and as in his style of writing, is not revealed until the very end. You manage to make dystopia out of something that seems quotidian.

Your detail is fantastic. No comments there.

Word choice could be better. Avoid using the word "was" when you can. It's an invisible verb, yes, but it will also weaken your prose as a whole. For example:

In the shadow of a silver building that scraped the sky blue and gleaming, a city was dead and the subway silent, and the world had died---

As opposed to:

In the shadow of a silver building- a magnificent steel creature that scraped the gleaming skies- a city lay, with only the faintest of a heartbeat to signal that it continued to live. The subway kept still, which was strange in itself. It appeared that the entire world had died---

Okay, I changed several things.
1. I still have the word "was" in there, but only one instance. Sometimes, one cannot use any word but was- but when you can, find stronger verbs to replace it.
2. Metaphors and personification. Ray Bradbury is a master of bringing inanimate objects to life. Try putting more comparisons in your writing. Not enough to make somebody nauseous, but enough to keep it interesting.
3. Don't be afraid to use radical punctuation. This is more supercilious than anything else, but it spices things up. Keep that in mind when editing your final drafts.

Your writing has matured tremendously. Good work, overall. I enjoyed reading and meditating over this.