Mount Danny

Mount Danny

A Story by Chelsea
"

A mountain of laundry.

"

Mount Danny

A little boy rolls around the floor of his bedroom. He enjoys the way his hair stands on end, the works of electricity. He runs his hands through his spiky hair and grins. It reminds him of the messy hair of Albert Einstein, his hero in his life.

His rolling is interrupted.

“Danny, get those clothes up off your floor,” His mother's voice nags.

At five years of age, he rolls his eyeballs. A trick taught by his older sister. His eyes scan the floor, he cannot grasp the concept his mother is presenting. It’ just laundry……

His mother stalks out of the room, huffing and puffing in a fit of anger. Danny continues rolling on the floor. He has a goofy smile plastered to his face, a face that anybody would love to slap off.

His rolling is interrupted.

“Danny, pick your clothes up,” his sister’s voice whines.

She tosses her long blond ponytail and stares at him with a bored look. Danny nods, he knows better than to tangle with Lizzie. He walks about to a pile of clothes and starts picking them off. His sister satisfied, leaves, with a snotty air to her.

Danny is a bit steamed. He goes to his dresser and opens the top drawer. In it is a pile of his t-shirts. He scoops the load, an entire thirty and thrusts them upon the floor. He stomps in delight at his mess.

Take that Lizzie.

Danny returns to rolling to the floor. The carpet is irritating his skin but he pays no attention. He pretends he’s a car of some sort. Blowing spit bubbles pretend it’s the gas, making annoying sounds for the engine.

His rolling is interrupted.

“Danny, your mother, sister, and I have all asked you to pick your clothes up. You haven’t so, have it your way. Leave your room a pen for pigs,” his Father’s voice says. It sounds scratchy, like one of smokers’. But he’s never smoked a cigarette in his life.

Danny sticks his tongue out at his Dad as he leaves the room. Danny pulls all his clothes out and makes a mountain of dirty laundry.

Mt. Danny.

© 2011 Chelsea


Author's Note

Chelsea
I have no idea, I just had this idea! Please review.

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Featured Review

lol adorable! i like this kid, sounds like me when i was a young'n :)
very cute and descriptive.
could use a bit of a touch up technically, but thats no biggie.
this piece had me smiling when i wasnt expecting to, and thats what really matters.
thank you :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

such an enjoyable read. seeing the mind of a five year old always fascinates me, well done! :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

super-cute!

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I just wanna say, AWWW!!!!!!!!!!! This is an incredibly cute story.... I hope you are gonna expand on this one... I think it is utterly awesome!!! you are a terrific writer! I wish I could write stories like you !



Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

lol adorable! i like this kid, sounds like me when i was a young'n :)
very cute and descriptive.
could use a bit of a touch up technically, but thats no biggie.
this piece had me smiling when i wasnt expecting to, and thats what really matters.
thank you :)

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

very cute story lol :P


100/100

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Aw.. this is a cute story. I enjoyed the playfulness of this story. Cute.

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Awww its extremely cute! I love it.

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

“Danny, get those clothes up off your floor,” His mother voice nags. - This should be "Danny, get those clothes up off your floor." His mother's voice nags.

"His eyes scan the floor, he cannot grasp the concept his mother is presenting." I would make these into two separate sentences.

"It’ just laundry……" You just forgot you 's' on It's.

“Danny, pick your clothes up,” his sister’s voice whines. - Again you've written a comma at the end of your dialogue and the same with the father speaking. You would need a period. The use of a comma is only if you are pausing the dialogue in the middle of a sentence and will continue the sentence in another set of quotations.

"She flickers her long blond ponytail and stares at him with a bored look." - I think you meant flicks, unsure.

"He walks about to a pile of clothes and starts picking them off." - Did you mean 'off the floor' or 'up' ? I am a little confused by this line.

"His sister satisfied, leaves, with a snotty air to her." - This should be "His sister, satisfied, leaves with a snotty air to her."

"Blowing spit bubbles pretend it’s the gas, making annoying sounds for the engine." - It should be pretending, not pretend
---

Enough of grammar/spelling errors! I absolutely loved every second of this short story... it is such a great write. Definitely the actions of a young boy... very humorous and entertaining. Great work.

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lol you have to love kids :)
Gosh thats probally gonna be my kid one day...wanting to make mountains out of clothes and tents out of blankets lolz
But it was a very good writing but you couldve put a little more feeling into it so we could feel what danny was feeling more.

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This waas really cute :) Good job

Posted 13 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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22 Reviews
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Added on February 11, 2011
Last Updated on February 16, 2011
Tags: mount, danny, laundry, sister, mother, father

Author

Chelsea
Chelsea

Canada



About
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance. - Carl Sandburg Hello! Thank you for checkin’ out my page on the café! My name is Chelsea or Chels. I’m fifteen years old, your .. more..

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