a dream and a nightmare

last night i had a dream 

and a nightmare 

i don’t recall the details, because the second my eyes locked on you 

everything else disappeared 

i remember the striking scenario before me 

you, standing tall and strong 

leaning against a beat-up blue pick up truck, the one you said your father had given you 

you were somehow, impossibly, older 

different than the boy i knew that played football after school and didn’t even have his license 

i am different, somehow than the carefree, bubbly girl who said she loved you back 

but all i know is that the moment i saw you, my heart found its home all over again 

shock stole my breath and i stood grounded in fear for a split second 

before I thought to myself, he’s real 

and when you turned toward me 

like you could feel my soul recognizing yours, 

i couldn’t help myself 

i ran toward you like i was running out of time 

like if i didn’t catch you soon you would leave me again, 

like you did all those years ago 

i threw my arms around you and you held me in your embrace

and i thought to myself, i can keep him this time

you’re mine, i remember saying with surety 

and when i woke up i realized that i couldn’t remember the shape of your nose 

or how your lips curved up in a smile 

because i haven’t seen your face in two long years 

and you’re not coming back for me. 

not anymore.