Letter to my little brother

Letter to my little brother

A Story by Claire A.

Brother, my little brother.
More than my blood, my own flesh.
I remember the purity of our bond, the purity of our love.
I dive again into the void of you.
Beyond the loss, I am hurt by everything we didn’t have, everything we couldn’t share. The happiness of having a person who understands my soul, with whom to say anything, hear anything, live everything. Someone who reads me. Who knows what I know. Who feels what I feel. Play games, see your smile, take your hand... Ask for your advice, your protection, your comfort.
This complicity that I missed so much. No longer be alone in the world. Live together the terror of our childhood. Dream together to escape. Run, protect ourselves.

I can still feel the soft envelope of your presence.
My body screams your emptiness, my heart, my bones, my skin.
I remember clearly the day you died. I can still feel life leaving you, your breath smother, your heart tighten.

Oh how I wish I could have saved you. What could I have done, so little?
Oh how I wish I could have died with you. Still I decided to live. But everyday I smell death, your death, on my skin. 
I dreamed of joining you so many times. Still I am alive. This wasn't my path. But when I feel the deepest despair, when there is nothing but a huge black hole left in me, it’s the only thing I think about.

I didn’t live so far to die now. I wish you were by my side for so many moments in my life. My first love, my first heartbreak, my first child. Thankfully, you have sent familiar souls to cross my way. Together, we would have been stronger. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so damaged.

I feel like it is impossible to heal from all of this.  The screams, the tears, abandonment, the blood, loneliness, death. Wasn’t this too much for a little girl ? Was this normal ?
No it wasn't. Nothing about my life is normal. How could I grow with normal connections, normal thoughts ? Death hasn’t stopped showing up. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.
You would have known, had you survived. And I wouldn’t have been alone in the world. This is all your death means to me.

I can’t heal from you being gone yet. Give me some time. I swear I won’t give up. One sunny day, we’ll be able to live our bond under the light of love, and no longer under the shadow of death.

Behind all my defences and artifices, the little girl who survived this hell is a zombie. Sometimes she can hardly breathe.
With whom could I share this hole inside of me ? You had to live it. Who is dark and light enough to go down so deep and still be able to come up ?

This is how much I miss you little brother. I know it must be painful for you to see me like this. But we both know I’ll rise up. Is this not the reason why I’m the one here, while you are already over there?


I love you, always.

© 2010 Claire A.



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Featured Review

this was the most beautiful piece i have ever read, the words, the emotion, and you just being so honest...i am so sorry for your loss and couldnt even imagine your pain, but form this piece i can get a glimpse of what it might feel like....and it makes me want to cry i couldnt even imagine...thank u so much for letting us in for a moment and sharing such a sad loss...i wish you the best and hope things feel better....

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.



Reviews

Well done. You wrote the emotions very well i found it really hard to read in one go. Very convincing show of affection. I do hope that it's just what it is tho, just a story. :-(

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

i have an online friend who lost her little brother in a car accident a little over a year ago. this piece helps me understand her devastation. thank you. this was beautifully written. clear and painful.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

this was the most beautiful piece i have ever read, the words, the emotion, and you just being so honest...i am so sorry for your loss and couldnt even imagine your pain, but form this piece i can get a glimpse of what it might feel like....and it makes me want to cry i couldnt even imagine...thank u so much for letting us in for a moment and sharing such a sad loss...i wish you the best and hope things feel better....

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is touching and sad and well written, I can really feel your emotion from it. I really love the different colored words.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on May 2, 2010
Last Updated on September 4, 2010

Author

Claire A.
Claire A.

Belgium



About
My feet are in Europe (most of the time). My dreams take me everywhere. I love to write. It helps me being centered and travelling through my inner world. If you have to read one piece from me, .. more..

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