Brother, my little brother.
More than my blood, my own flesh.
remember the purity of our bond, the purity of our love.
again into the void of you.
loss, I am hurt by everything we didn’t have,
everything we couldn’t share. The happiness of having a person who
understands my soul, with whom to say anything, hear anything, live
everything. Someone who reads me. Who knows what I know. Who feels what I feel. Play games, see your smile, take your
hand... Ask for your advice, your protection, your comfort.
complicity that I missed so much. No longer be alone
in the world. Live together the terror of our
childhood. Dream together to escape. Run, protect ourselves.
can still feel the soft envelope of your presence.
body screams your emptiness, my heart, my bones, my skin.
clearly the day you died. I can still feel life leaving you, your
breath smother, your heart tighten.
Oh how I
wish I could have saved you. What
could I have done, so little?
Oh how I wish I
could have died with you. Still I decided to live.
But everyday I smell death, your death, on my skin.
I dreamed of
joining you so many times. Still I am alive. This wasn't my path. But when
I feel the deepest despair, when there is nothing but a huge black hole
left in me, it’s the only thing I think about.
I didn’t live so
far to die now. I wish you were by my side for so many moments in my
life. My first love, my first heartbreak, my first child. Thankfully,
you have sent familiar souls to cross my way. Together, we would have
been stronger. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so damaged.
I feel like it is impossible to heal
from all of this. The screams, the tears, abandonment, the blood, loneliness, death. Wasn’t this too much for a little girl ? Was this normal ?
No it wasn't. Nothing about my life is normal. How
could I grow with normal connections, normal thoughts ? Death hasn’t stopped
showing up. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.
would have known, had you survived. And I wouldn’t have been alone in
the world. This is all your death means to me.
can’t heal from you being gone yet. Give me some time. I swear I won’t give up. One sunny day, we’ll be able to live our bond
under the light of love, and no longer under
the shadow of death.
Behind all my
defences and artifices, the little girl who survived this hell is a zombie. Sometimes she can hardly breathe.
whom could I share this hole inside of me ? You had to live it. Who is dark and light enough to
go down so deep and still be able to come up ?
This is how much I miss you little brother. I know it must
be painful for you to see me like this. But we both know I’ll rise up. Is this not the reason why I’m the one here, while you are
already over there?
I love you, always.