My Affair with a married woman

A true story.

                I fell in love her, well probably the first time I talked to her, not exactly in love you might say, but I found love for her, in her. She was a woman of many words but few words of what was inside. She grabbed at my attention so intensely I swear I don’t know what exactly happened. I never called her by her name until I heard her voice. She was never referred to as her name when I talked of her to others, and yes I do confess I did talk of her a lot. She was a subject that went on and on when it came to talking about her. I can remember the first words; they were on a screen, yes a computer screen another online attraction. I didn’t mean for it to go so far as to the title that you read up above, I never knew even slightly what a real affair was, for I had never really honestly had one. I will give her another name within this story because I don’t find it at all fair to reveal her name to others; I won’t even give you the first initial of her name, so I will call her Violet. I call her Violet because she is slightly like my favorite character in my favorite book Summit Avenue.

 

                Violet is a woman of fire, it’s in her veins, in her veins there is steel and rock, for her personality and some moods of hers are like steel, yet even with steel and rock, rose pedals stream through the spaces between the hard surfaces. When those rose pedals come out, the world stops, it seems like time stops and it feels like my heart has burst in a good way, happiness is what comes of those rose pedals. Her laughter I cherished and still do today, her laughter makes goose bumps go over my body for mere seconds so as to then leave my body tingling with a sensation of excitement and a small envy, an envy on not being in front of her, so as I can see the glow that goes over her whole body, and to see the beautiful laugh lines on her face, for Violet is beautiful in everyway. Now I already feel the tears coming to my eyes as I write this.

 

                What I know most of her is her voice, her voice is…well is exquisite, I know her voice like it was my own. You all might find that last sentence a bit obsessive, but really its not, for when you talk for as much as we did then you start to memorize, hear the small tones in their voice, hear how they say certain words. You just start to know small things. I am a listener so that’s how I get to know a person, that’s how I got to know her, if I know her at all. Her words I held onto, her words I cherished if they were of sweet and lovingness, even if they were of sternness and advice I still cherished them.  I laughed off the harsh ones or either shook and cried after we both hung up. Her voice is what I looked forward to after free night and weekend minutes on my cell phone, usually to excited to wait that long so I would use an hour or more of my limited minutes, which got me in trouble with the phone bill, but I found her worth it.

 

                With our talks on the phone, I don’t know how, but the love I first found for her grew. With each story she told, with each laugh, word, with each long conversation, and with each time she got me to laugh and smile, she let me just step inside her for a moment and she into me and each small moment pulled me into falling in love with her more, until the day I said it. I told her I thought I was starting to fall in love with her; I had been thinking how to tell her. I had felt love in the pit of my stomach grow; I felt the butterfly wings intensify. I had known for a while that I loved her but I just didn’t know how to word it, maybe I was afraid, no cut that… I was afraid. I was afraid she was a dream, that she would run away, that she would say she hated me and could never love me, that she would hurt me like all the others in my life, from my past. This love was battling to get out of me, for my mouth to open and to just say it. Even with my fear I said it to her, and as I winced when silence came, her voice, her words soon came to my ears, not of hatred, but of being proud of me for being so brave. You might think that’s not at all the response I wanted, but to be honest it was the best response I could have asked for. I didn’t expect the dittoing of my own words, I expected fear I expected her to hang up on me, so with that response of being proud of me I was filled with happiness.

                She didn’t say she loved me until a while later, I remember I had told her a while back that she should get a body pillow so as to hold to help maybe make her back not hurt. She told me she held it thinking of me, and I remember the first time she said it I smiled so big it hurt. The night she told me she loved me, I had bought a body pillow for myself, I wanted the feeling of having the sensation, the imagination of a pillow to slightly take the place of her body that I wanted so badly to hold onto. That night she called me, if I had been close to her I would have smelled the sweet spicy smell of drunkenness on her breath. I found it a sorta fun time, to see exactly what she would say, I knew I could get some stuff out of her, but I didn’t want to take advantage of it, because I wanted so badly for her to just open up freely to me without the help of alcohol. Her words were harsh slightly in moments and then sweet and loving in others, I laughed at her and made her laugh, and even then I cherished her. Then she said it, just a whisper, a tiny whisper that I almost didn’t hear, she said she loved me. You probably thought I was thrilled, you probably thought I was jumping for joy at that moment, if so you are wrong. I was furious, I felt ripped because I wanted her to say it when she meant it, and not when the truth is pushed out of you because of the sweetness of alcohols kiss.

 

                That morning she told me she remembered nothing of the night before, but I knew she did, I knew she remembered what she had said, and how she had loved me. She asked me to tell her what she said and I told her everything except for that very fact of love, the very think I honestly wanted to tell her about, I didn’t. I wanted so badly to know if it was true, but I didn’t want to push it on her so I said nothing of it until a while later. That is when the fear was battled out once more, when I wanted to understand something, so it came to the subject and to be point blank she said it again, sober and loving. When she told me she loved me back that is when it all began, and slightly ended. Now the tears flow down my cheeks as I am now thinking, thinking of what now comes next.

 

                I write this without small detail, because this detail of this situation, this turn in my life takes my energy away, until I am almost out of breath. I hate the flowing of my tears because I hate the weakness that I show so openly. I have tried before to write this, and I have failed because of the detail that I put inside the words that I type, because small detail is a way to go deeper into the tale, and I really honestly don’t need that torment.

 

                So then it all turned around and went beyond the borders, I didn’t think it would happen but when I had the chance I took it. I drove to her, never a thought of regret in my mind. I worked five hours before and left, a seven and a half hour trip ahead of me, night time surrounded me and the massive trucks of fear and death and sleepy men grabbed at my attention, yet her voice was within my ear grounded me and made me relax. I felt a sense of relief as I watched the number of miles on my car, knowing I was driving closer to her, that the time would go by and I would soon see her, excitement, fear, and love overpowered me. I had an ice coffee with two shots of espresso trailing within it, to wake me. My medication for ADD that wakes me was popped into my mouth automatically. The highway was calm for a while, twist and turns, toll booths and exit ramps.  Mapquest pages my guide closer to her. Then the sun came up, the traffic rushing around me and still I went on. So when the final exit came into my sight that is when it hit me I was going to see her, be near her, touch her, and just be within her presence, that is when butterflies plunged into my stomach with their beating wings.

 

                As I got off the highway, a sense of lose went over me, I was in a new place no where near my home, seven hours away my family thought I was on a camping trip, safe and in a place I knew, with people I knew, etc. My lie would haunt me in the end, but that is later. It was still very early, I drove through this place that was so far from home, I won’t tell you where it is because, no information is necessary to you, I tell you this story that is enough, where I went is a small detail and like I said I am straying away from small details. The sun was still just a distant haze in the sky, a line of fog rubbing over my path, my world, and my senses. The butterflies now smacking into my stomach, my gas needle sliding slowly to empty, so I looked for a gas station, I smiled when I saw the price for gas, cheap like she said.

 

                The time came to meet her; I drove to an almost deserted Loews, dressed into a completely new outfit, not caring who saw. Then I saw her jeep coming towards me, and when she got close to my car I saw just slightly her face, and there in the car I swear there was beauty in the flesh. She got out of the car and so did I, the butterflies cling to the lining of my stomach, they shook making me almost feel sea sick, I watched her walk over to me, I don’t know if she saw my eyes tracing over her body but I did. I don’t know if she saw me take the deep breath, or the shake I did before she came up to me. She smiled at me and told me to give her a hug, I stood still for a moment startled and then I gave her a hug, she smelled good, just the feel of her body close to mine, just the knowing that I was close to her, in her presence gave me such a sensation through my body my knees almost buckled. When we let go, my head was spinning that I forgot what I wanted in my car, so in the end she had to circle back, with my blushing expression of embarrassment so that I could get my purse.

 

                The feeling of being so close to her made me feel really good, the butterflies fluttered like hummingbird wings, not as intense as before but still noticeable. I stole small glances at her, just enough to not be noticed, I was quiet and looked out the window to the deserted streets, it almost felt like her and I were the only people on earth, and I smiled thinking how that would be ok with me. We went to Denny’s sitting across from her, my nerves made me shy, I remember looking out the window at this tree, making a poem in my head about it. I would steal looks at her once in a while, she was truly breath taking. I ordered a club sandwich and she ordered breakfast, the service was horrible. I remember we made jokes together, my butterflies wings flapping slower. Then I saw her laugh, I made her laugh, and honestly she really did glow, she looked lovely as she laughed and a sense of happiness trailed throughout my body. I knew I really did love her. A sense of stress is coming over me as I write this, as I am in a public place I can not cry, nor will I.

 

                We drove a ways down the road looking for a hotel, and found one that seemed fine, at the counter she paid even with my wanting too. I pushed my fear out of myself and put my hand up touching her hair, she asked if it was tangled, it wasn’t I just wanted to touch her hair. I just wanted to touch her again. Her hair was soft that I didn’t want to stop touching it, but I knew I had to so as to not let people be suspicious. 

 

                She wanted to go to the mall, and so we went back into her car and started to drive, I remember her driving, I thought I might die, no I am kidding. We got lost and we pulled over, the clutch still in drive I thought about so many things in such a small time that I push my fear away and I leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were soft, surprised but still soft. I leaned back, fear pushing back into me, waiting for what would happen next. She looked at me with her beautiful green eyes, her beauty breath taking as ever, I still felt the tingle of her lips on mine and I yearned for them again. She put the car in park and I thought I would either get kicked out of the car or she would kiss me. She leaned to me and kissed me and the shivers that went through my body made me gasp, I felt my heart really burst, I felt my emotions burst into song, this woman was kissing me, me of all people I felt like the luckiest person in the world right then. Then I really knew how it really felt to have time stop, to feel the world stop moving, to feel truly like the only people in the world. I wanted that moment to last forever. I was in love. A tear has slide down my cheek and I put my head down so as to not let anyone see it.

 

                We went back to the hotel, and a passion went between us, a passion I dreamt of, that I yearned for. She was truly a goddess to my eyes, she was truly a woman I wanted so intensely it hurt. Her kiss, her touch, her eyes, everything about her was paradise to me. She made feelings inside me I had never felt before, go through me so intensely that I gasped and bit my lips so as not to scream of pleasure. I showed her my body, my whole body, she the second person only to see my body entirely. I felt an awareness of total safety with her, I felt she could be my wall from danger, from fear. I fell asleep within her arms, I don’t know when, I don’t know what time, but I remember waking and seeing her looking up to the ceiling, a the butterflies came back except they grew heavy against the pit of my stomach, I knew she was thinking. I asked her what she was thinking about, a question I so horrible ask all the time, and she said nothing but I knew she was lying. I knew something was wrong, and that’s why I started to doubt. A feeling I didn’t want, a feeling I wanted to over come.

 

                We got up, a couple of kisses roaming between us, a touch of her body just once more, she was soft all over, she was my goddess, and she was my love. That is how I saw her, she was everything. Yet still the doubt went through my veins and mind, and I tried so hard to let it pass. We got up, I didn’t feel horrible or gross being half naked with her, letting her see me, I had let her see me already and felt comfortable.

 

                We left the hotel room, and finally found our way to the mall, we spent hours in the mall/ plaza,  the sun was shining, and happiness seemed to spread around me. We joked quietly about people, she was extremely funny and I didn’t feel young and naïve with her, I felt comfortable, my fear and shyness only taking a slight toll on me. She would sometimes walk in front of me and I would watch her back, tracing her with my eyes once more. I watched her looking and shopping in stores, I tried to seem like I was doing the same but truly all I wanted was to watch her, to kiss her once more. I wanted to whisper in her ear sweet nothings, to be corny, to tell her I loved her. I didn’t I just shopped, she thought she bore me, not at all she entertained me with just the sight of her. Her beauty more breath taking then ever, I wanted her to know how I felt, I wanted to know how she felt but I never asked. She had told me in the passion of our room that she did but I felt I had made her say it and then I wondered if she meant it or if she truly just did as I asked and only did it to make me happy. Then I thought of the movie “What women want” and all I craved at that moment was to have the gift of hearing her thoughts, just her no one elses. But alas I didn’t get my wish, I only got my mind thinking on what she might be thinking. I was lost, and all I need was closure. I did truly adore her.

 

                Soon enough we had to get my car that still sat in the Denny’s parking lot, my stuff ready to go into the room, and when she asked to help get it up I said no. Sometimes I wish I had taken her help. Yet I was thinking about her, I was thinking about her back, I was caring about her. When I got up there, she was sitting on the bed, a vibe of sadness swept over me and I knew something was wrong. Her jacket was still on, and I hate when people have their jacket on in a room, I wanted to touch her again I wanted to hold onto her again. I just wanted her. I told her to take it off and she wouldn’t, I almost begged for her to take it off but she still did not. Her head was down and I knew I was done for, I knew something was wrong. I thought I would busy myself and put on my pajamas, then I heard her say it. “I think I’m going to go,” I didn’t let the words pierce me I didn’t let them in my head. “Yeah I’m going to go,” that hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks. My butterflies died within me. I wanted to cry but my tears ran inside my eyes and didn’t let them pierce the surface. She was packing, she was getting her stuff and then I started to beg. I started to beg for her to stay, to not leave me. I wanted to close my eyes and open them and have her smiling face saying “Just kidding” I wanted her to kid around, to tease me, to just be joking. She wasn’t joking, she wasn’t even close to joking, she was completely serious, and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t cry, and I think I understand why, I didn’t cry because I wanted this to be a happy day, I wanted this day to be a day I remembered, I wanted to have no tears until the end of it all. I had the plans of cuddling with her all night, with kissing her, with making love to her, and now with her leaving I knew my wish and plans wouldn’t be achieved.

 

                She held onto me for what seemed like only moments, my sadness made me bitter slightly and I think I pushed her away with my words. I think I honestly didn’t know what to do, what to say. I wanted all the answers, I wanted the words to come to me, the words that would make her stay, would make her let my wishes and plans be achieved, I just wanted her not to leave at all. I let her smell rub over me, rub over my clothes, to seep into my skin, I wanted to memorize it and let it come to me whenever I thought of her but I knew that once she was gone she would be gone probably forever. I still didn’t have the answers to what would happen when she finally did leave. I prayed to God, something I don’t do often, I prayed to him to keep her with me, but he never answered my prayers, he never gave me my wish, he only gave me the sight of her back when she left. I traced her again with my eyes, I wanted to take a picture of her, I wanted to carve her image in my brain. I wanted to cry, I wanted my tears to come forth but they didn’t. I told her I loved her for real before she left, I told her I loved her with all my heart. Yet as I heard the door close behind her, my heart broke.