I Want to Know

An open letter to my father.

Hello. I want to know why you make my life so hard.

I want to know why your words still cut me today-

I'm too old and experienced to let them do so-

Why you like making me feel worthless

And are never proud of anything I do...

I want to know, dad.

 

Why? Why do I need your approval to prove my own self worth?

I want to know why my self esteem can still be cracked

By your inconsideration and contemptuos attitude

Why  I still hedge on your opinion when I know

Exactly what it will be, every time...

I want to know, dad.

 

I want to know why every trophy I brought home ended up

Tossed in a pile in the musty garage, undisplayed

I want to know why every time I put my heart and soul

Into writing or painting something you only ask

"How much time did you waste on that?"

I want to know what it will take to make you happy with me

but the problem is, I already do. There is nothing

Not that I am capable of, anyway, because Lord knows

I try my best, dad. 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Helena]

You are right dear, there is NOTHING in this world that
will change his mindset. Its his "stuff" not yours.

Good on you for airing and sharing your painful thoughts
with us in such an eloquent and heartfelt way.

This tugged at my heartstrings, because I understand
only too well my friend.

Take care

Hugs
Helena

[Carole]

Constance, I am so glad you felt the need to write about this. I wonder how many, many others feel the same way and maybe on into their adult years? Some parents cannot give approval because they never got it. It breaks my heart for your dad too, because it's not the way it is suppose to be and deep on the inside, I am sure he knows it isn't right. If it wasn't modeled for him, he probably feels uncomfortable giving it. All I can say is, make a conscious note of it, and do your level best not to do it to your children. I know the areas my parents were negligent in caused me to major on those areas to the opposite end of the spectrum. Affirmation is very important for ALL of us. Though it may feel like your self worth has been tainted because your dad isn't able to tell you what you need to hear, just know the opposite is true. Your writing, your painting and your trophy's each represent success and accomplishment. Don't ever forget that! :-)

[Kara Emily Krantz]

well well.

how heartfelt and beautiful.

i like this open-letter style. i might try it myself. it really hit to the heart of some issues here. which must have been cathartic for you.

i feel this so completely. i still remember the time my dad said i should quit acting in the theater, because it was "taking up too much of my time" and overwhelming me - when in fact it was the one thing keeping me sane during my full-time schooling, full-time working days of trying to make him proud of me. so i completely understand.

"Why I still hedge on your opinion when I know

Exactly what it will be, every time..."

oh gosh - WHY DO we do this????!! it's like we think they're going to magically change. when really - all we change is ourselves. how we handle situations; how we react; what our expectations are - of both ourselves and our father.

but gosh, even altering interactions can only take us so far. i was going crazy a couple months ago - but only because he was making me feel that way. he even said i needed to get help - when all i was doing was coming into my own, and getting stronger.
and then i packed my car, and i left. and that was one month ago - i'm still on the road. still getting stronger.

and i totally just rambled. btu obviously this piece really hit me. thank you for sharing it. for letting us feel through it. :)

big hugs

[V. K. Harris]

This sounds like a scared man, afraid to show his own wounds, so instead he tries to share them with you. There are many longing for the love of their own parents, unfortunately sometimes those searching may never find what they are looking for. I have and am in those footprints as well and the best thing I can do is break the cycle with my own children and show them a life with their father that I never had with my own. This is a beautiful heartfelt write. Hang in there Constance, for your daughter.

[Dirk]

This letter breaks my heart because I know how much you crave the affection of your father through his recognition of your writing and your accomplishments. After the death of your mother and the alienation that you seemed to feel, prior to her death, your father undoubtedly meant so much more to you. I also wish for him to recognize you. I wish that he could see what all of your friends through "Cafe" see. You are clearly worthy of recognition. :o)

[Tony]

I am sad that your father was so inattentive. But I am happy you have the time, courage and voice to share your victories and struggles. I suppose you know that it is inexcusable for a father to behave in such a fashion, but it is these hard things that have carved the tenacious views you post on your pages.
Carry on................