My Last Love Letter to a Soldier ~3/18/08

Yes, this is real. I saw the contest on the cafe... remembered writing this and how much emotion I put into it, how much emotion I felt... and let it all out in the open. Honestly? I never healed until just recently.

What happened? The last time we talked, we seemed ok. Then, when you get back from the field, you just stop calling. I don't get it. I had always thought that if we didn't work out, we would always at least remain friends. But you think so little of me that you are just pretending that I don't exist? What did I do?

For about a year now, I have known you. You have gotten to know me better than any man I have ever dated in the past. I cared about you. Too much, I guess.

The message you give by your silence speaks volumes. Apparently you never cared back. Apparently you never even respected me as a human being. Rob, For what it's worth, I did love you. Look at those pictures of you and I together, and I think if you look at my smile sometime, you will see it. But I lost it somewhere in the last month, because I knew you didn't feel it back.  In fact, as soon as you didn't call when you said you would be back, I gave up on it, and started talking to other people.

 

I suppose I should have felt it coming. Should have sensed somehow that you didn't care for me, want me, like I did you. I suppose I lied to myself somehow. You never claimed to care, not really.
Nothing I ever did to show you how much I cared ever seemed to mean anything to you... the poems I wrote that held my soul inside, you didn't care to read. The portraits of you I painted to try and make you see yourself through my eyes? "Not really like me at all."

But, even if I was fooling myself, you let me believe. You led me on. I'm a strong woman, and I'm already ready to move on, but I still can't understand why you did not have the guts to tell me, at
least in a phone call or an email, that you didn't want to see me again. Do you really dislike me THAT much? I thought I knew you better than that. The silence hurts worse than if you had called and told me off with 100 expletives. It says that I don't exist to you any more.

 

Well, Rob, I exist, and I'm not ever going to forget that you do. So be honest with me, if you don't want to call me, at least write me back. Can you spare a moment for that? I just want to know what happened. Did you really even go into the field? Is there someone else? Did you just decide you didn't miss me while you were away from being able to talk to me? Did you decide for some reason that I wasn't good enough for you?

 

One of these days, I'll love someone and they'll appreciate it, and return it. It sometimes feels like no one on earth is capable of loving me, but I know deep down that that isn't true. So, I'm not going to sit hear mourning yet another loss of a man I thought was my best friend, but who abandoned me at the worst possible moment.

 

I had thought we would always be friends, as much as we have come to know one another, but so much for that. You ruined that by not having the decency to tell me that you couldn't love me the moment you knew it. I wasted a year of my life on you, and was quite prepared to waste several more just hoping and waiting. I missed talking to you for that entire month, and I'd NEVER asked you to call me every night. Over the last year, you did that on your own. You let me feel like for once, I had someone in my life who gave a s**t.  I think that is about the worst case of leading someone on that I have ever seen. I started to see through it around February, though, even though over the New Year you seemed fine with me. You stopped talking to me like you used to...

I'm not going to beg you to change your mind. I'm not going to want you again. I just want to know what in the heck happened to us. That is all. Can you humor me, please? Just do that one thing, and I'll be permanently deleted from your life. Another set of empty pictures that mean nothing to you.
I honestly wish you a wonderful rest of your life. I'lll never regret having loved you, really. The moments I spent making love to you will always be some of the greatest moments of my life. Sad, huh? But true. On with your wonderful life now, sir.

 

Constance

Author's Note

Out of many men I have dated in my life... he was the second I've ever loved, and the first to really seem worth loving. It's going on half a year now since I last kissed him. I'm just now... healed, for the most part. If you ever have to let someone go...don't let it be by just ignoring avoiding and not saying anything to them at all. That hurts worse than a slap in the face. The only man who ever hurt me more did so physically. Do I still love and miss him? You betcha. Would I take him back if he were the last soul on earth? Hell No. Do I wish him well? I really do. Yeah, I've healed now...

Reviews

[Kiya]

Wow........ I really don't know what to say. That you actually wrote this to him is one thing, and showed the world is another but the feelings that are portrayed are almost palpable. A lot of dignity is shown (I probably wouldn't have had the guts to even write) and I really admire you for being that mature. just one spelling mistake paragraph 8 line 3: "sit hear mourning" should be "sit here mourning". I really am amazed by this piece of writing. Kudos! :)

Kiya