An Earnest Proposition

How shall one destroy the raging epidemic of the grammatical revolution? Only one proposition seems logical. And it is known as "An Earnest Proposition."

An Earnest Proposition

            Declaring the independence of the magnificent United States, in the year of 1775, was completely reliant upon the proper use of communication. Communication intended to be taken vigorously, not as an entertaining farce. And in fact, it was. England and the newly founded United States soon underwent several years of war, in which is now scholarly labeled as the “American Revolution.” This revolution eventually led to the freedom of the thirteen colonies from British oppression and the official creation of the “land of the free, and the home of the brave.” While this revolution ended over 200 years ago, there is yet another revolution that has been brewing for quite some time underneath the grounds of common America.

            The grammatical revolution has now infected itself within the hearts and minds of the majority of fellow Americans. Few may label it as such, but the name describes exactly what is currently taking place within the United States of America. This revolution is disgusting for America, in both its impact, and implications. “Functional literacy tests suggest that 20 percent of the population, or 30 million people, have serious difficulties with common reading tasks” (Stedman, Kaestle 1). “44 percent of businesses are forced to provide school and college leavers with remedial English lessons, so poor are their writing skills” (Young 70). These statistics alone could cause a cringe in the face of many. In reality, America is undergoing an intense loss in the skills of proper, effective and informative grammatical skills. Un-intellectual beings are being raised all across the country, with a deficit in the realm of proper communication, directly influenced from practicing incorrect English grammar. Students in the post secondary world have great trouble constructing an essay with few grammatical mistakes. This is a testament to the lack of growth in grammatical skill sets in pre and post secondary education. The grammarless state of students today is almost as horrific as the state of homelessness among America’s largest cities. The grammatical revolution essentially is the movement within the American society to accept and justify the usage of improper grammar in any environment. Academic or personal. This notion of improper grammar can be identified as the use of English formations used improperly within the proper context, used improperly in the improper context, or used in the proper context improperly. This includes a lack in correct punctuation, writing abilities, spelling abilities, fluency skills, and even a lack in endowments in effective speech. Improper grammar can also include the use of filthy words within the English language, or even filthy concepts. Americans that even explore these ideals open the possibility of becoming infected with the disease of this movement. The grammatical revolution is causing a great lack in a vital ability for thousands upon thousands of Americans. The inability to properly communicate ideas and transfer thoughts in both speech and writing practices is being reeled and ushered in. These inabilities are currently creating a country with no strong foundation to develop non farcical declarations.

              Causing these deficits lays several key ingredients. One of which, is texting. Just over the last decade the achievements and advancements in technology have developed vastly quick venues to communicate instantly with others in various locations. Texting is most commonly achieved through a cellular device, on a phone or such a thing similar, and allows for a (most commonly) typed instant message to be sent, and then appear on the recipients own device.  The temptations within texting are inherently difficult to resist for most. Due to the ease and quickness of this type of communication, it is common among “texters” to implement shortened abbreviations for common words or phrases. Examples such as “LOL” (meaning, laughing out loud/lots of love), “BRB” (meaning, be right back), “OMG” (meaning, Oh my god/gosh), and “L8R” (meaning, later). These abbreviations are near the forefront of the grammatical revolution. According to a recent survey, 42.1% of those surveyed reported using several abbreviations in their most recent three text messages (Lee, Yi, Yi, Kantola). It is clear, that texting has a fine correlation with the decline in proper grammatical abilities and skill sets within Americans today. Quick and abbreviated forms of communication pose a great threat to students hoping to obtain higher intellectual skills. Students that partake in these forms of communication run the possibility of not being able to make the distinction between what constitutes as common texting abbreviations, and properly constructed English grammatical communication.  In fact, this is perhaps more so a probability in today’s current culture. Several accounts have been declared publicly in a variety of locations across America that students have begun to incorporate abbreviated words in collegiate essays, and even presentations! Astonishing even more so is that the so called professional realm of America is also participating in these abominations! A billboard spelled out as if it’s a text message, commercial voice over’s speaking improperly, and other marketing grammatical gimmicks are incorporating these errantly motivated word structures. 

            Aside from just these abbreviated forms of written and spoken communication, news agencies and businesses are contributing to this revolution in even greater ways. In August of 1997 when Princess Diana died in a car accident, reporters proclaimed she was chased by “paparazzis”. Apparently those that wrote this in their articles decided to create a new plural form of the word paparazzi. Now within what is supposed to be professional establishments, new grammatical liberties are being founded. Mazda, a famous car manufacturer and producer came out with the “Millenia.” The word is actually properly spelled Millennia, but Mazda took the liberty they had and dropped the other “n.” Marketing campaigns, speeches, posters and T.V. commercials only boosted the already high publicity their new car model had, along with their influence within the grammatical revolution. These types of actions can easily cause Americans, and even other countries, to misspell a word such as Millennia, simply because a business took the liberty of creating another, yet improper, version of the word (Garner Lii).

            Why is this happening? Currently within the American culture, is the ever growing thirst for an effortless, genial, and simplistic life. A generation has been looming that desires to drown themselves in the sea of satisfaction without swimming through the waves of hard work, and responsibility. Being able to forgo the proper usage of the English language, and simplify essays, speeches and common conversations only appears to simplify the duties of daily life. In the supposed need to simplify, and reduce the magnitude of work and time of common Americans, the American culture has begun to justify the grammatical revolution amongst themselves. All just in an effort to simplify; to make life easier, to create less work, and to initiate more happiness. Businesses are also not only positively reinforcing this behavior, but also adding the element of the “coolness factor.” Having cars, T.V. Shows, billboards, and even music containing improper grammar are all contributing a specific appeal the grammatical revolution has. Not only does it make life more simplistic. But it appears to be the cool thing to partake in.

            While there is an eternal realm of examples that convey the causes of the grammatical revolution currently taking place within America, all of these examples can fit, even if just slightly into one category. That category is the root cause of the spread of the grammatical revolution. It can be summed up by stating that the spread of this revolution is the direct result of each individual’s surrounding environment. Technological, cultural, and societal advancements in knowledge seem to have had an inverse effect upon the minds of students and educators alike. These advancements have only fueled the grammatical revolution. It is vitally important to end this revolution for not only the sake of the heritage of the United States of America, but to also maintain a blanket of security and proper communication within the world. As well, as to nurture high intellectual and knowledgably strong human beings, beings that will not cause other nations to see America as a growing farce. Grammar cannot possibly be relative, and so it is vitally important to instill its absolute truth among American culture. In order to do this, immense measures must be taken.

            There are four main ingredients to what contributes to an environment that ushers improper grammar. The four ingredients are those that hear improper grammar, those that speak improper grammar, those that write improper grammar, and those that see improper grammar. A specific plan has been established and if properly instituted will surely eliminate the uses of filthy improper grammar. This plan is known as “An Earnest Proposition.”

            The first step in “An Earnest Proposition” is to eradicate those that see improper grammar. More directly defined as, those that “seek” improper grammar. Common among this group, are eyes that infatuate themselves with sights of grammatical error, and even find great joy within these abominations. Infected eyes have a diluted definition of grammar. Infected eyes are not changed by what their eyes see. Rather, what their eyes believe to be true of grammar, influences how their brains interpret the images around them. The infected eyes have proven to be vastly contagious, and can only be contained fully through one method. Any infected eye must be gouged out of an individual’s body. While gruesome, this is clearly the only effective method available during these despairing times. By gouging out infected eyes, it not only will eliminate the temptation for infatuation with poor grammar, but it can be used for two other distinct purposes. The lesser of the two, is for educational purposes within secondary and post secondary education. Excavated eyes can be used in science classrooms for dissection, and further examination. These eyes can also be used in turn to usher in new advancements in professional study and research. The most important value the plucked out eyes will serve however, is a warning; a warning to the rest of the American public, not to glorify personal temptations with the sights of improper and filthy grammar.

            Next, is the method of tackling those that absorb the sound of improper grammar. Ears that love to hear filthy English language, in both conduct and punctuation. Commonly the ears cling to poorly constructed speech, and faulty promises. These ears too must be plucked off the individuals’ bodies. Simply taking a common household sword and cutting off the infected ears will surely block the temptation to listen to the impoverished speech abounding in the American environment. Unlike the eyes, the ears will be not be used as a warning, or any other sign to those in America. Instead, a policy of containment must be instituted. For the ears that are disembodied, a pile of feculence needs to be gathered (consisting of both dirt and excrement) to accommodate each ear. Once the pile is gathered, every ear that is cut off must be thrown into the pile of feculence.  The pain that the ears once underwent will swiftly be numbed, as the pile of feculence will give them a sense of hope and security.  

            Thirdly, in coordination with the severed ears, comes the need to disable those who fill their mouths with repulsive ideological language that only motivates the grammatical revolution. To hinder individuals that currently partake in practicing improperly constructed speech, also both in conduct and punctuation, their own tongues must be disjointed and carved directly out of their mouths. Using a simple kitchen knife should easily do the trick for any tongue in need of disembodiment. Much pressure and time consuming cutting may occur in this event; however, it must not hinder the process. After each tongue is cut out, it shall serve multiple purposes. A small number of the tongues can be sent to institutions, educational campuses and schools, and any other functioning organization filled with positions that rely heavily on speech. Being sent to these places, the tongues will serve also as a warning to be taken vigorously that makes it known what the result of faulty speech will grant a being. The tongues can be hung in hallways, or even from inside classroom walls, serving as a daily sight, and a daily reminder. The last purpose the tongues will be used for involves the ears. To instill a surety of containment, the tongues will be sent to the pile of feculence and be given the opportunity to rule over the ears. The tongues will bicker among one another about how to handle the ears, while the ears soak up the deceiving promises from the feculence. The containment process will work perfectly in this ideal situation, as the both the tongues and the ears will remain busy, and hindered from infecting other American’s with the desire to partake in the grammatical revolution.

            Lastly, is the absolute necessity to distinguish the hands of those that write, and act out the grammatical revolution. This group constitutes those that find joy in writing out squalid pieces of writing, and even partake in repulsive acts of supposed kindness. These hands tend to hope to achieve exultation of themselves and at the end of their actions, receive a sort of salvation. Improper grammar may tend to be difficult to spot in this group, but it is essential to slice the hands of any singular body that moves the grammatical revolution in both writing and conduct. Because the hands also consist of bone, unlike the other parts of the body mentioned, a chain saw would be the most efficient way of severing the hands away from the body. The resulting body-less hands may be used both as a warning for future generations of the results of improper grammar, and later shall be properly disposed of.

            These four steps will certainly incur a large amount of blood. During each process, those initiating the cutting, gouging or carving must also gather a bucket to place underneath the patient. This bucket will serve as the blood container. In the style of milking a cow, it will be imperative that all blood leaving the infected patient’s body finds its way into this bucket. The blood excavated from the bodies of those infected can certainly be used for donation within the medical field, yet another societal advantage of this method. The necessity of these donations is evident within a staggering reality given by the American Red Cross, “Every two seconds someone needs blood in the U.S.” Not only will this proposition be eliminating the grammatical revolution, but it will also be saving countless lives across the country!

            A question may arise as to what exactly needs to be done with any bodies that remain eyeless, hand-less, ear-less and tongue-less. These beings who are decimated from the necessary actions of this proposition could easily serve a much needed purpose. Millions of homeless people all across this great country and starving and without food daily, causing despair and even death to the most undeserving soul. These bodies will pose a fantastic opportunity to feed these beings. Each person who initiates this proposal and incurs these bodies, who have been afflicted with the infection in every possible location in their body, must gather them up and take them to the nearest homeless shelter or ministry outreach center. These places attempt to feed the poor all across America daily, and can use the bodies as food for the homeless and afflicted. Soups, meatloaf, and even steaks can be cooked from these bodies, effectively using every last ounce of the leftovers of the infected. It would be such a shame to put such bodies in the trash, and have them waste away. Using the bodies this way will only enhance the great impact “An Earnest Proposition” will have all across the country, saving lives in more ways than one.

            A very possible counter to this method would be to proclaim that “An Earnest Proposition” is in direct confrontation with the Constitution’s first amendment which specifically grants, among other rights, “freedom of speech.” To punish any person for merely practicing this freedom is surely taking away constitutionally granted rights is it not? In fact it very well is, and this counter effectively destroys this proposition, constitutionally speaking. However, what must be taken into account is the greater good of the American public. For example, many laws and rules have resulting punishments if broken that are not spoken of within the constitution, such as speeding limits, mandatory seat belt laws, firework restrictions, and even inane laws pertaining to prohibiting guests from changing the clothes on a store’s own mannequin. Punishments within these laws can include a wide variety of warnings, fines, or even imprisonment. All of these laws are taking into account the greater good of the American public over the individual rights of those who feel entitled to them. When dealing with this proposition, the constitutional rights of American citizens must be disavowed in order for the greater good of the American public to be protected. To punish those for exercising their freedom of speech in a way that promotes or exhibits improper grammar is completely justifiable and necessary, when the greater good comes into focus. Protecting the American nation is of the utmost importance. America could easily fall as a nation and cease to exist as it is now if the grammatical revolution continues. Other countries such as North Korea and China together, could easily attempt to conquer America, if either one just takes a small notice at the revolution taking place within our soil. Nuclear war and even a war of vast chemical weapons could easily be on the horizon if nothing is done (Triplett II 30-43). And if America falls, so do the constitutional provisions and freedoms guaranteed within its written laws and amendments. The only way to truly protect the fundamentally constitutional rights asserted to American citizens is to initiate this proposition. Then, and only then, will the grammatical revolution come to an end, and constitutional freedom’s can be assured and fully protected. 

            Quite possibly, this method of eliminating the grammatical revolution may seem barbaric to some. The gouging of eyes, and slicing and dicing of other appendages to human beings may seem almost satanic. But as stated earlier, all methods of eliminating any infection, must take the greater good into account. What must also be realized is that this method most definitely will not have to be in effect for an eternity. Once the grammatical revolution is eliminated, and certain pieces are contained effectively (such as the ears and the tongues), the intense cutting away at the infected will come to an absolute end. There will eventually be no need to punish anyone whom embraces the grammatical revolution, for in fact, not a single soul will even know that such a thing as improper grammar exists. After effectively eliminating those of society that recognize or exhibit improper grammar, not a being across America will be able to participate in this abomination. By establishing this reality, the grammatical revolution will be ended. Lives will be saved. And constitutional provisions protected. It is time to begin this absolutely vital proposition.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Tim Buckley]

Corwin,
A man after my own heart! Not only spiritually, but about linguistics, too. I am presently writing a story (humor/satire) where I am an English prof who learned to spell from TV; so, I use many TV mixed words to sale-a-brate this fact. I'll let you know when I'm done.
This story was right on. You used good examples to make your point. You'll be hearing more from me as I read more.
TimB

[Corwin T.]

Thank you Tim! I look forward to checking out your piece! It sounds very interesting! And thank you for the review! Definitely send me a read request when you are finished! THANK YOU!