Chapter 1

My mind immune to pain

But my body still fragile.

 

'Will... Will’ inquired the squint eyed Latin school nurse Ms. Fetch. Will mumbled ‘Yes, Ms. Fetch’ breaking out of his trance.

‘How can you just phase out like that, you worry me at times. Fell down the stairs again?’ asked Ms. Fetch tending to his bloody nose. ‘Yes Ma’am, Stairs’ said Will looking around at the dimly lit infirmary, a place that had become a regular destination, to the extent that the only friend he had was the fair skinned nurse with unruly hair and messy coat probably from the lack care it received. ‘You know, Will one of these days I am gonna have to report the bullies that keep beating you up’ she said finishing up the bandage on his arm. ‘No need I’ll be fine’ said Will getting up from the uncomfortable infirmary bed. ‘Thank You Ms. Fetch’ Will said ‘See you later’.

 

It was a long walk from school to home but Will enjoyed these walks, so much that he told his dad not to buy him a bike for his birthday to ride on school on everyday. He liked to walk, it gave him clarity it was the only time when he was alone to his thoughts without the interference from the outside world and so he treasured every single moment that he had and made them as long as possible for home wasn’t a place he was too keen to reach at-least not since the day his mother left never to return again. That day still haunted his dreams he remembered everything as if it had happened only the night before. Ever since his mom left things went from bad to worse as his dad became a bigger alcoholic and ever conversation they had since ended with Will being blamed for all that was wrong with the family.

 

‘Hey Dad!, I’m home’ said Will dragging his laundry bag into his room. Will fell down on his bed and looked around his room filled with posters of all the legends he idolized looking back at him with the same bland look in there eyes captured and frozen forever in time. With that Will got up and picked up his diary. After much thought he picked up a pen and scribbled-

 

Dear Diary,

Just another day gone by.

Maybe tomorrow.

 

These 9 words were all he had to show for everyday since his mom walked out nearly a year ago. That incident changed him. That day on he stopped going out, lost all contacts with his friends. He locked himself up in his room the only place he felt had not been affected by recent events, a constant in a trivial world of quickly changing variables, but the storm had a silver lining because that day something stirred up inside him, his soul found an outlet in words, even though he didn’t realize it yet he has woken his inner demon- the artist within.

Author's Note

Any and all feedback will be appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[Konigin]

Nitpicks/Suggestions:

¨He liked to walk, it gave him clarity it was the only time when he was alone to his thoughts without the interference from the outside world and so he treasured every single moment that he had and made them as long as possible for home wasn't a place he was too keen to reach at-least not since the day his mother left never to return again.¨
Okay.... first, it is a loooooooong sentence... It has a lot of thoughts all strung together and I feel that it should be broken up at least a little.
¨walk, it gave him clarity it was the¨ I suggest an ¨and¨ here.
¨he was alone to his thoughts¨ The wording is a little funky... I suggest ¨with¨ rather than ¨to¨
¨outside world and so he treasured every single moment¨ I would cut the sentence at ¨world¨ get rid of the ¨and¨ and start a new sentence. Also, cut out the ¨so¨ completely. And begin the new sentence with the ¨he¨
¨as long as possible for home wasn't¨ A comma between ¨possible¨ and ¨for¨
¨he was too keen to reach at-least not since¨ Cut this sentence at ¨reach¨ and start anew by capitalizing ¨at-least¨

¨That day still haunted his dreams he remembered everything as if it had happened only the night before¨ I suggest a semicolon between ¨dreams¨and ¨he¨

¨Ever since his mom left things went from bad to worse¨ A comma after ¨left¨

¨Will fell down on his bed and looked around his room filled with posters of all the legends he idolized looking back at him with the same bland look in there eyes captured and frozen forever in time.¨
Wrong ¨there¨. It should be ¨their¨. I also suggest a semicolon between ¨eyes¨ and ¨captured¨.

¨stopped going out, lost all contacts with his friends.¨ No ¨s¨ on ¨contacts.

¨He locked himself up in his room the only place he felt had not been affected by recent events, a constant in a trivial world of quickly changing variables, but the storm had a silver lining because that day something stirred up inside him, his soul found an outlet in words, even though he didn't realize it yet he has woken his inner demon- the artist within.¨ I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!!!!!! But it needs a little tweaking...
¨up in his room the only place¨ A comma between ¨room¨ and ¨the¨
¨by recent events, a constant¨ Ditch the comma and replace it with a period. Capitalize ¨a¨
¨ outlet in words, even though¨ I would leave the comma and add an ¨and¨ after it
¨didn't realize it yet he has woken¨ A comma between ¨yet¨ and ¨he¨

I LOVE THIS!! I can't wait to see what happens with Will! I am intrigued by his home life and what is going on in school. Angad! This was awesome! You wrote a spectacular beginning that hooked me right away and is urging me to keep reading!!!!

Superb pen friend! :D

[Angad Waraich]

Thank you. I appreciated it. I do struggle with grammar a bit, English is not my first language.
read moreThank you. I appreciated it. I do struggle with grammar a bit, English is not my first language.
Chapter two is up to if you'd like to read.
Thank you for the help again.

[Konigin]

I hope that I didn't offend you Angad.
You are most welcome! :)

[Angad Waraich]

No not at all, your suggestions are appreciated. :)

[Konigin]

Yay! :) Glad to help!

[Khyati]

I am sorry but, I can't give ANY corrections here.
Do you know? The same happened to me. so, right now, I am not in a state to correct, but can just relate and love your usage of words.... Well done, Sir..

[Isabella Disney]

A good start, its quite capturing

[RAOrourke]

'Will... Will?’ inquired the squint-eyed, Latin school nurse, Ms. Fetch.
"Fell down the stairs again?’ (she asked, tending to his bloody nose) asked Ms. Fetch tending to his bloody nose...instead of using her name again.
‘Yes Ma’am, Stairs’ said Will looking around at the dimly lit infirmary, a place that had become a regular destination, to the extent that the only friend he had was the fair skinned nurse with unruly hair and messy coat probably from the lack care it received.....I would make this two separate sentences to help the flow: "Yes, Ma'am, stairs," he said looking around a the dimly lit infirmary. This place had becomea a regular destination, to the extent, that the only friend he had was this fair skinned nurse with unruly hair and a messy coat, probably from the lack of care it received...this could almost be in three sentences.

I would also start using he said and she said instead of repeating their names so much. Also the sentences were too lengthy. They really could be broken up into two and three sentences. When you do this, it actually attracks and keeps the reader longer!

I think if you re-work some of these mechanics your story will really come to life for the reader because overall it has a nice background to it!

[Confuser]

This is a first story? That's a great first write. I see the review below from Mr. Stonz P. and he is a great writer, something you aspire to and I do believe you will get there. I really enjoyed it. Thank you.

[Angad Waraich]

Thank you Ma'am!

[Confuser]

You're welcome. Hard to find time especially to read stories, but it is good. Thank you. Much, Much better than my first attempt at a short story, for what that's worth.

[Angad Waraich]

Umm, this i actually the first chapter for my book. But that is a really good compliment.

[Confuser]

A great start. Keep it up! You will only get better.

[Pryde Foltz]

A great start, Angad … can't wait to see how Will's artistry blooms.

[Angad Waraich]

Thank you pryde .
Chapter two is up if you'd like to have a look.

[hardeep sabharwal]

Very well, I liked it, written so clearly and well elaborated,
Thankyou for sharing

[Angad Waraich]

Thank you.

[Stonz P.]

Well you start really well but the ending seems too forced and abrupt. Maybe, you should work on how the story unfolds such that the reader can know WHY did he become a poet and not spend "another day" and write of it in his diary again. I mean, it is not convincing.
Your writing style definitely needs improvement but given this is your first story I'll say you have done very well. Work on the story; its premise is good.

[Angad Waraich]

Thank you. It is much appreciated. But i want the protagonist to grow as an artist hence the premature discovery, not mastery. And any suggestions on how to make it more convincing and how to better my writing.

[Stonz P.]

Premature, okay but there is no hint or clues as to how the artist is made. The mother leaving and contemplation during walks can be a catalyst but not good enough reasons in the making of an artist, in my opinion.
Art is the passion of an artist, so that can be another approach. Your subject is not an easy one to write for readers of varied tastes and even more difficult to write for artists.

[Angad Waraich]

So in your opinion the discovery or the realization that he can use art as an emotional vent should also come at a latter stage in the story?

[Stonz P.]

It does come in the latter stage here. And the title is 'The Making of an Artist'; I'd not like to read the realisation first and then know how he is made. That can be done but not in the way you are using; your narrative would have to change.

[Angad Waraich]

Hmm okay thank you.