This is part of a much larger story I worte many years ago when I was just learning the craft. I have reworked the scene, tweaking it just slightly in order to make it a short story.
Hi Casper: I think you've got this one entered twice. You may want to edit it out. I always love a good vampire story and I think you did a good job. I really liked the paragraph that began "Could it be some evil thing at this late an hour?" It was very good and full of great imagery. I also thought the ending was well written. The image of the blood tear was very good.
The driving rain gave visual impact right off.
You use weather well.
"The foul stench of raw cabbage, death, permeated the room."
I always associate the smell of death with over-cooked fried
frozen shrimp. I would at least change it to
"rotten" cabbage.
"Sliding of flesh across the floor, " is quite horrific.
Kept me in suspense and great images of the undead
meeting the living one.
it is awesome, very thrilling, a love storie, it's a Stephen king piece. I hate negative criticism, and there is none to say. I congratulate you on this work. cross your fingers it might just get it!
Wow, very descriptive. Really well written. For a man who wasn't afraid of death because he wanted to be closer to the one's he loved he was certainly scared out of his wits in that tavern. I was very intrigued by this.
hi, casper. this is the first book of yours i read. its amazing. you should be a famous author. i always love vampire storys. so this might be my fav work of yours.
Wow, you have some beautiful imagery here as well as metaphors and similes. I loved the bit of the multitude of angels. Your description is perfect, I must say. It's not too much, just enough to paint a picture for the reader and give a tone to the story. There are a few things though that I do want to mention.
You have a few places where I believe you should have a comma. For example the sentence: "He fell to his knees hands sinking into the pooling mud." I think you should have a comma between knees and hands to make it flow better. There are a few more places, but if you read through it, you should catch them with that in mind. Another thing is the sentence "Theirs was a forbidden love." To me, that sounds a bit awkward. I suggest trying to rearrange that wording somehow, maybe something like "Their love was forbidden."
Another one was "The muscles of his arms growing taught..." I think you meant 'taunt' there.
One last thing, you had two different places where you used the same words over in a short amount of space. I don't know if that was for effect or an attempt at something, and if it was, then forgive me for that, but just so you note it. One of the places was were you wrote "Some visitor entreating entrance through the tavern door." and not far off is "An impatient visitor perhaps, entreating into the tavern."
Oh, sorry, one last thing, I promise. When you used "frosty hand", I thought you should know as a reader we can assume that since you described the hand is "frosty", it is cold. You can get by with your main character noting the cold touch, but to me it seemed to stunt the flow of the piece a bit.
Anyway, I hope I didn't say anything too harsh. I do want to commend you on this though. You do have exquisite flow, imagery and description. Very captivating.
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