The Role Play

not a kinky story

7TH WEEK    

“There is a continuous throbbing inside me, not only of my heart but also of all of my pain. Not only does it palpitate through my heart, it already has started paving its way into my mind. I find nothing can be okay after all I've gone through, Doc.

    “I feel, I feel I am being enclosed by nothingness. It is like, I am standing in the middle; you know, like there is absolutely pitch black darkness behind me and I am standing exactly at the end of it; in front of me is an expanse of white light. Now, you may say that is positive, it is good, that is reassuring, etcetera, etcetera, but no, it is not. Perceiving too much of white light is worse than staring into the darkness. It practically clogs your sense of sight.”

 

He was quiet for a few moments. It had been a while since we started off with our weekly session. I merely waited, deeming it better to not to interrupt his tall, lean, silent juxtapose with the lamp --- whose dim yellow beam he was staring into --- and watched him sit across the room, exactly five feet away, in front of me. The office was small. It had two occupied Victorian chairs with well-embroidered cushions in the middle of the gray marbled room and a wooden desk in one corner by the window opposite to the door. Just near the door was a black iron rack on which our coats hung. Meanwhile, I started concentrating on the ticking of the great oak clock behind my chair. He spoke again.

 

“Doc, you know, ever since I've been experiencing these situations, I wish I was never born.”

“Most people might say they would rather die,” I interjected but not wanting to show off statistics knowing my argument was baseless, yet . . . I was intrigued to hear more from him.

“No, no, no, no, no! Death by self is not an option! Why die for any state of affairs you go through? Why make situations worse for those who actually care about you? It will most certainly cease to affect you but then it may lead someone, who actually loves you to be scarred for the rest of their life or to the same sad, derided, clichéd end you chose for yourself! You may or may not realise who that person is --- or those people are but it still flabbergasts them beyond repair.” He was very animated in his retort.

“Very well, but what of your pain?” I asked.

“My pain is too great to bear, Doc. I feel very heavy inside, like someone has hung a cannon ball from my ribs and little devious dwarves are swirling on it in my intestines.”

“Why thank you for the disturbing imagery.”

“You asked for it, Doc. I had just, for a moment stopped thinking about my sufferings, but you had to mention it again, right? There is always that one person who will never let you get out of the pain. Intentionally or unintentionally, they will always find a way to haunt you again and again.”

“My sincerest apologies,” I said while not being totally apologetic. The office seemed cold, which was not to my liking as spring had just passed.

“Doc, you know what? I just realised that when we were talking about suicide, I got carried away and did not think about my suffering and...”

 

He paused again but this time I barged in on his repose, “And?”

“I just need to move on. I know it is hasty but there is an unexplored world out there. You will always find a person whose misfortune is greater than yours. There are just never any happy endings, right? There, always are happy moments. There always have been happy moments and there always will be just happy moments. Rest of the time, everything is just blunt, blatant and laid-back. Same goes for the unfortunate situations. Do you follow?”

 

I nodded in agreement.

 

“Hence, if I am experiencing any pain, it is not permanent?”

“I think so.” I answered rather abruptly.

“Even if the agony is permanent I have to just move on,” he said clapping his hands in exhilaration but his face soon bore a befuddled look. “What if, a similar circumstance is again inevitable in the future? Wouldn't that ruin you yet again?”

 

I tried to answer him. Nevertheless I was clueless where he was heading with that. I did my best to conceal my shortcoming --- well I think I did. Then I gave it a shot, “It will most definitely leave another, deeper, irreparable scar.”

“Hmm...” he said exhaling some air, “Most certainly. Okay let us look at it a bit differently. Your future is uncertain, correct?”

 

I shook my head in consent.

 

“And your past is certain and out of your hands?”

 

Again, I acquiesced. I could not predict what was about to come next.

 

“So it is agreed upon that your present is well within your reach, your present paves your way into your future. The unforeseen, yet so-planned future merely phases into the past and from thereon, is nothing more than a memory. Therefore, it means that all you can actually do is not f**k up your present, for you will piss the future off and then the past is all screwed up and that you will only blame yourself and repent and regret and rue the moment in self-condemnation and self accusation that ‘Yes, I could have and should have done something or at least made an effort!’ And I tell you that is not healthy, Doc. Tell me Doc, have you been in a tricky paralysed state and regretted not doing anything about it?”

 

His ocean of utterances had drowned me in leaving me to nod in delusion, not knowing what exactly was going on.

 

“As I expected,” he said quietly and then burst out again, “Then don’t f*****g be just a mute spectator to life! Do something with your life and do not do something that you’ll regret or do not regret the things you have done.”

“But...” I began to speak but he cut me short.

“No buts, ifs, what ifs, whethers, or anything that makes you question your decisions.

“What you did was your doing and nobody else’s. If another person does it to you, it is their doing; not your fault. You didn't do anything about it, that’s your fault but learn to pick yourself up because we ‘Rise to fall again.’ If, however, somehow, you are very sentimental and find yourself in a very muddy pond without the realisation of it being a pit of quicksand, don’t just wonder and let yourself drown; find a rope, grab it, maybe shout for help --- it won’t hurt you because who knows who may turn up to your desperate call but get through with it once you are out of the pit and move on, otherwise you shall just live like this dead drowned carcass soiled with helplessness, filled with regret and buried in guilt. You just pick yourself up and ‘Get on with life!’ ”

 

Wow, is he on fire or what? I thought.

 

“Now Doc, do you comprehend what I have learnt till now? That no matter what my pain is, it is incomparable to the paramount importance of my present life and the people who are associated with it?”

“I guess so,” I answered obediently.

“Well then at least that is settled for now... And oh, look at the time, Mr. Ritter; it’s almost dinner-time. Unfortunately, I have to call upon this session, now. I hope that is okay with you?”

 

I, in a deep trance glared at this persona change from an excited patient to a polite, well-mannered doctor. I turned my head towards the great oak clock behind my chair and looked at it. It took me a few seconds to realise that it was ticking; I had forgotten to be home on time for dinner and that . . . that I was the patient. I courteously smiled. The smile across my face was full of gratefulness and humility. I got up and shook Dr. Shaw’s hand in delight.

“I hope our little experiment with the role-playing today has helped you out, Mr. Ritter.”

 

“Yes, Dr. Shaw, it has. You have probably remedied all my vexations and problems. Why did you not suggest it before? I’d have saved a fortune,” I joked.

“I cannot go beyond my academic knowledge at the very first go. If I didn't fully understand you or your situation, Drama therapy could have had adverse effects on you.”

“I understand. I am a little relieved today, Dr. Shaw. Yes, you did it. You today have made me realise my true potential. I will certainly think over our session and let you know, as usual. And maybe I have known all these answers, just never braved to admit that I did. I was the one pulling myself back into the fiendish vat when I should have just churned the milk into butter and leaped out. I have learned my lesson, today. You have certainly helped me tonight.”

 

I was ecstatic, but with relief. My pain was already reduced.

 

“We shall progress with the rest in our next session next week, Mr. Ritter. Maybe I shall bring a rope and costume next time,” he said whimsically, sipping a well deserved glass of water, “And remember Mr. Ritter, be happy.”

“I will be,” I replied contented. “You’re a magician of a psychiatrist, Dr. Shaw.

 

Dr. Shaw just smiled humbly, closed the shutters, and took his car keys from his desk, switched off the lights after I had picked my coat from the rack. We headed out of his office arguing who came first: Men or Fools?

Author's Note

If it makes you re-read this story to understand my two characters, then I have succeeded.

Please leave your suggestions.
This is my first short story in 2 years (in 2012).

-- Not very sure about the theories I was putting in then. I imagined it more as a play at the time; also, I was the least spiritual person on Earth.. very 1-D view if I might say. Still, I like the piece as it shows me how I was just opening up in many places like cracks in paper against dawn..

Reviews

[Isabel25]

The classical chicken-egg mystery ending is a cherry on top of this story. Well,it took me a lot of reading to completely differentiate Dr. Shaw and Ritter. I liked this the best out of all your prose pieces i have read so far. A crafty concoction of a story Peter.

"his tall, lean, silent juxtapose with the lamp", "someone has hung a cannon ball from my ribs" - I really loved these terms by the way.

[Stonz P.]

You just made my night!! Indeedio I'm very happio :D
Thank youu so much for such an awesome review.. glad you like it.. :)

[Confuser]

To me, haven't re-read, it was like the two were one? I loved the story and oh, who wouldn't want a "magician psychiatrist?" I would run like fire to find one. In the end, I thought, there would be a something to imply, it was all a delusion. It was quite an adventure. I'm looking below and fill left out as if I have missed it all. Forget about it. The writing is delicious. The story is interesting and the descriptions and writing wonderful. I very much enjoyed it. You know you are a great writer. The only word that maybe, not sure, didn't quite fit, even though you wrote animated was flabbergasted. It didn't get into the emotions of a suicide and the family. Now, thank you. Let me know, what I have missed. Great writing.

[Stonz P.]

I wrote this three years ago. Was clearly not good with the proper adjectives to use then. I will revise when I re-do it. Thank you for such a wonderful review, Ma'am :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome!

[icelandicblue]

You've paid attention to details in this piece. You've let your readers know the plot and your characters in the story through your witty dialogue. You ask a wise question at the end. Overall I think that you have done a fantastic job.

[Stonz P.]

Thank you so much for the wonderful review.. glad you liked it :)

[Rounak Jain]

I liked the first half. Struggle with one self to find the wisest answer despite all the painful situation and against all odds. That is simply superb. A person does fall into such bleak situation sooner or later. Nicely crafted. I was enjoying it. But then, boom. I lost track of what suddenly happened. Who is who. I read the para (where you introduced Ritter) for around 10 times and then only I could relate to the plot. The role play. Wow. I will be reading more of your work to catch up to your efficiency in thinking and writing. :)

[Stonz P.]

I'm glad you liked it and were able to understand it finally.
Thanks for such a great review.

[Namrata]

Eh ! I went back more than twice....I never seemingly expected "role-play" to come up like this. Long after, yet again your writing provoked me to think really deep.
It was a busily delightful read.

[Stonz P.]

Thanks for such a great review. I'm glad you liked it.
Sorry for the late reply.

[AprilRN1210]

this is witty, interesting, and entertaining.. the dialogue is exquisite and loved the internal thoughts sprinkled throughout.. you made the character believable, and the story-line flowed beautifully.. I love your attention to rich detail and ability to sneak in deep, wise meaning while we weren't looking.. this is magnificent writing my friend.. as always, a pleasure to read.. well done!

[Stonz P.]

Since you are a nurse in the dept., I must concede I was going through old work and saw this, then I thought of you and was very anxious to know what you would think of this. I wrote this like 3 years ago as an intended play. Was always unsure of it.
You reinforce my beliefs.. Thank you so much :)

[AprilRN1210]

yes, you made it very believable.. and am tickled you thought of me to share.. I appreciated the theme of psychiatry and mental illness.. you did a very good job.. you are more than welcome. it is always a pleasure.. glad I could reinforce those "beliefs".. :)

[Stonz P.]

I always have had an interest in psychology but never had it as a subject.
Thank you, April :-)

[AprilRN1210]

I have had extensive study for many years in college, and now in my career and with that background you have my respect with your skill in this story.. it really is well thought out and written.. you're welcome.

[Stonz P.]

*gulp* *sweat beads churn out* (at a loss of words)

[AprilRN1210]

haha.. what-ever!.. you know I am sincere, so shush!.. oh wait.. you are at a loss for words :P

[Stonz P.]

:-)) .

[Mayank]

I wrote a review and suddenly I pressed some key and was back to home page. I wish I could write in the same way as I did. To start with, brilliant dual characterization and concept. The drama therapy is superb, self realization is any time better than listening to the reason given by others. Indeed, the dialogue are giving the flavor of play. The plot is amazing. Self doubt, pessimism and haywire behavior can be observed. The end was theatrical, the character is somewhat relieved of his burden and see the ray of hope.

[Stonz P.]

Mayank... I wish I could read THAT review. D****t!!
Nonetheless, you made me happy my friend that something I wrote 3 years ago -- when I was much naive than now -- carries its own weight and does not need me.
Thanks a lot my friend.

[Mayank]

My pleasure mate!

[Surya pradha]

your writing is extremely detailed, though you have used more dialogue than narrative. but your plot and characters were very nice. good work.

[Stonz P.]

Hahah... I can see why that would affect traditionalist short story writers.
But what I do not understand is what use does narrative serve in a dialogue? It should be kept at a minimal. Only to keep the direction in flow.
Secondly, I imagined it as a college play which never happened. Too intellectual, I guess for them.

Thanks for reading..

[DIVYA]

As patient...so doc! I like the concept. Thank you for sharing this lovely novel story.