when it's wrong

I've given up

you're act like I'm pushing you away
but really its you pushing your self away
I try and pretend I'm ok and doesn't matter 
but it does
it cuts me deep 
and burns me 
the loneliness is cold
all because you want a change
don't lead me on
just tell me to go
if that's your plan 
I'm not giving up
I'm just saying I can't fix something if I don't know what's really wrong 

Author's Note

I actually edited this piece

Reviews

[Kibbles and Quips]

Okay, I think you have a good start here. You write very passionately and directly, which is good for you, I think. However, I have a few pieces of advice. Watch for superfluous or unneeded words and redundancy. Think, "Brevity is best." That first line is a good example,

"I've given up putting an effort into this"

will sound much more powerful if you shorten it into,

"I've given up"

Pow! Straight into it, no bull shitting there. It's starts out sprinting. Saying "putting an effort into this" merely draws out the sentence with empty redundancies and takes away from the momentum and weight and gravitas on how the narrator has "given up."

Additionally, you can probably do away with the similes. In poetry, especially, metaphors are much more powerful, and that is in part because they sound definitive and confident.

"It cuts me deep
and burns me
the loneliness is cold"

Furthermore, watch out for empty or filler statements or sentences. Lines two and three can probably be removed for better effect.

But anywho, I really do think it's a good start! And, please, do not take these statements blindly as an absolute authority but try to understand why I say these pieces of advice and weigh them with what you did. Then decide whether or not to heed them. You are the poet, the artist, the only person with this vision inside your head. I am just trying to help you better realize it.

Edit: And thank you for sharing! Please keep writing!

[Shae-Leigh Johns]

thanks so much I'm gonna take your advice, I really am greatful for it. As you can tell I'm still learning to get what I wanna say out of my head and on the paper in a way that makes sense.

[Cy!]

I like this. Though, I think it would be fun to play around with symbolic words to try and show your meaning

[Shae-Leigh Johns]

thanks I will