Alcingeria Chapter One: The Scorpions

This chapter will describe the members of the criminal gang The Scorpions and their roles. This chapter may not be entertaining, but it has information that is crucial to understanding the story.

Chapter One The Scorpions: The year is 1690. My name is Redmond Bradford and I inhabit the land of Alcingeria. I’m seventeen years old and I was born and raised in the province of Fel. I have brown hair, brown eyes, my skin tone is fairly tan, it’s a color between bronze and olive, a little more olive. I don’t have what one would call a handsome face, for my facial features are rough, but consistent. I always have a trace of stubble on my face, no matter how much I shave. I have a semi muscular build, and I’m fairly tall, standing at around 6’. I’m very quick and light on my feet, and I have a good sense of humor.

I’m not what you would call an honest man. I’m a deserter to my Province and I’m part of a marauding criminal group called The Scorpions. You can probably guess why I left Fel. I, along with the three other men part of The Scorpions are deserters of our Provinces. We’re all criminals, and we’re all wanted men in our Provinces, that’s why we left.

I committed my first crime when I was fourteen, my family was very poor, and we had almost no money because of a certain criminal group called Tempest. The members of Tempest would come by my family’s shop, and demand that they receive eighty percent of our profits. Otherwise they would destroy the shop, and our home. They had said that if we told anyone about their crimes, they would kill my family and I. We had no choice but to submit to Tempest and meet their demands. After a few weeks, we had almost no money, and business had been slow for a few days. I resulted to thievery and tried to steal from other stores. I was successful for a while, I stole food, money, water and anything else that I could get my hands on, but one day, I was caught and turned in to the law enforcement officers. I was lucky enough to be underestimated and I escaped custody before my trial, where I would surely would have been sentenced to death.

            Shortly after my escape from custody, I fled Fel and entered the surrounding wilderness, never to return again to my home Province. Not long after I left, I stumbled across the three other members of The Scorpions in the woods. They captured me, thinking I was some kind of spy for King Bunsen. As it turns out, they were all wanted men who had escaped custody just before their trials as well. I explained my story and they asked me if I would like to join their criminal group. Seeing as I had nowhere else to go, no money and no food or water, I gladly accepted their offer. Ever since that day, I have been traveling with those same three men. We pulled off heists for the majority of the time I was with The Scorpions, but more recently we have been working as mercenaries for hire. The three men and I had aliases to call each other by during a heist or during some other criminal activity, since keeping the secrecy of our names was our primary goal, next to the objective of our mission, of course. During our criminal activities, we all have different roles. The three men’s names and roles are as follows:

            First, there is Donovan Sterling. We just call him Don. Don is from the province of Yutsa. He’s sixteen years old and stands at 5’5”. He has black hair, blue eyes, a tan skin tone and he has a pretty muscular build. His facial features are consistent and clean, he has high cheekbones and slightly sunken eyes. He likes to keep a clean shaven face with no stubble. He’s a funny young man, very much capable of cracking a joke even in some of the most intense moments. He can attract women like a magnet attracts metal. Whenever we’re in a different province, Don can often be seen flirting with a girl, which always gets a laugh out of the rest of us later. It’s almost as though it’s Don’s nature to flirt with every girl he meets. The other members of The Scorpions and I sometimes tease Don about it. He always takes it well and laughs it off. Don is also a very patient young man. His alias is Shadow. We call him this because he’s like a shadow; always existing, but no one takes notice of him. That makes him great at his role. Don is our scout. He goes ahead and watches our objective. If we’re to steal from a building later that day or the day after, Don will go forward and observe the location from a distance, gathering all sorts of information about it. Information he normally gathers is patrol routes for guards, the location of the object we’re to steal, the layout of the building, our access point, our escape route, and our escape means. He’s a very useful member of our criminal group and is well liked among us.

            Next, there is Macalister Reese. Macalister is from the province of Vulrock. He’s seventeen years old, stands at 6’6”. Macalister has dark blond hair, green eyes and ivory skin. He has a rough, uneven face that’s littered with scars. Most of these scars are from when he fights guards that have daggers and if Macalister has no weapon at the time, he will take them on with his fists. As expected, he receives more than a few cuts and scars from those guards that he opposes. His facial features are all quite large, especially his mouth and nose. His face looks rugged and is almost always peppered with stubble. He has a build similar to that of a brick wall. He is very muscular, but not very… Attractive. Macalister enjoys it when he wins a fight, and he often laughs when he is able to easily subdue his opponent. His alias is Troll, we call him this because trolls are said to be menacing, strong, and ugly creatures. Macalister is our fighter. Being at the height he is and being as muscular as he is, he is an intimidating man. On our heists, I have seen him easily best three men at once in a fist fight on more than one occasion. He is more than capable of taking on multiple opponents, but no one stands a chance against him in a one on one fight. His role is pretty straight forward: Kill or incapacitate anyone in our way. Macalister isn’t very bright, but he is as strong as a bull, and we can rely on him to clear the way of guards for us on a heist, day or night.

Now, there is Robert Lowell. Robert is from the province of Delron. He is eighteen years old and stands at 5’6”. Robert has light brown hair, blue eyes, and a skin tone that’s a little pale, but has small traces of a tan throughout. His facial features are smooth and rounded. His face is always stubble free, for Robert shaves constantly and hates stubble, much like Don. Robert has low cheekbones and his nose is slightly crooked on the left side. He has a little bit of a muscular build, but isn’t a fighter. Robert isn’t very charismatic and is hard to like at first. Robert makes the occasionally joke, but is most often cool and composed. He handles bad news and stress surprisingly well. He almost always keeps a level head. His alias is Rapier. We call him this because he is short, sharp, and to the point. His role within The Scorpions is the leader. He is the man with the plan, he tells us what to do when we’re engaging in criminal activity, such as a heist. He devises his plans from the information Don gives him, and he makes a few adjustments where he sees fit. We can always rely on Robert to get us out of a pinch. He may not be very strong or much of a fighter, but he is more courageous than any one of us and he would take a bullet for any one of us any day.

            Then there is me. You already know about my appearance, my sense of humor and my other traits. My alias within The Scorpions is Kid. Robert, Macalister and Don call me this because whenever you think of a thief, the stereotype is a kid stealing a pie off of a windowsill, or at least, that’s what the stereotype is for a thief in Alcingeria. My role within The Scorpions is the thief. Since I’m quick, light on my feet and good at evading people, this makes me the perfect one out of the four members of The Scorpions to steal the objective. The others can count on me to be cunning and swift enough to not get caught on a heist.

            Don, Macalister, Robert and I get along almost all of the time. We all swore an oath to always watch each other’s backs. We swore to do whatever it takes to protect each other, to keep each other safe from the law enforcement officers, we swore to protect each other from the Provinces that we all deserted. We swore that if one of us is captured, we would always go back for our captured comrade. We swore that if all fails and it’s impossible to free our captured comrade, then whoever it was that was captured won’t tell the law enforcement officers where the rest of us are, or what we have done. We’re men on the run from the law, but we’re fiercely loyal to each other.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think!

Reviews

[C. Rose]

While as the author, it is good that you know all this detail about your characters, I don't recommend telling the reader about the characters directly.

I encourage you to begin your book with a scene: a physical place where your characters do things and interact with each other. While the land and characters seem interesting, I haven't experienced any of the story yet.

[Belle]

I really love this concept! I think it's fascinating that you've created all these factions with individual rulers - I look forward to learning more about the history and culture of Alcingeria! - and I also like your characters. However, your description of the characters in this chapter feels a bit awkward and clunky. It's great that you have such clear ideas about your characters, but you could work these details in gradually - this chapter feels like a writer's notes rather than an actual chapter. The reader doesn't really need to know the characters' heights, except for Macalister because, being tall, his height is such a unique feature. It gets repetitive describing the same traits for every character; maybe you could vary them a little and pick out a key feature, such as Don's flirtatious nature or Robert's leadership skills. The only character we need more detail about is, generally speaking, Redmond. You've written him very well; he's an engaging and very likeable narrator.

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! I did feel that the character descriptions were 'clunky' and sort of confusing, but I thought that was just me being hard on myself. Thank you for confirming my suspicions and I will surely fix that. I also will add the idea of making each character have their own key traits, like Don's flirtatious nature and Robert's leadshership skills. Thank you again for the review!

[Belle]

You're welcome! Don't be too hard on yourself; this is still very, very good! :-)

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you!

[Xavier Lee]

In the first paragraph I would replace the second 'girl' with 'them'. "You can probably guess why I left Fel." We have been given exactly no information on what Fel is actually like. Sure the ruler of Fel is said to be harsh on criminals, and with him being a criminal I guess it makes sense, but wouldn't deserters be punished more harshly than criminals? Aren't deserters criminals? I can see why he left, but you didn't really need to tell us that he did in this way.
"Also, girls seem afraid of me..." And? Is that going to be important? Also, why? What I gathered from his description of himself is that he's a fun and good looking guy, so why do girls avoid him?
I like your characters and look forward to seeing their behavior, but I feel like you really rushed with their explanations. As in your prologue you repeated words a lot ("captured comrade" in the final paragraph) and you paragraph/sentence structuring was slightly bothersome to me. For instance, avoid using the words 'pretty' and 'very' when describing someone. "Being at the height he is and being as muscular as he is, he is a pretty intimidating man" I'd recommend omitting the 'pretty' altogether, intimidating is a good adjective already.
"Now, there is Robert." Poor choice of words. A better start could've been, "We look to Robert to lead us into and out of whatever we find ourselves in."
I'm legitimately curious, why does each guy's standing with 'the ladies' matter? You make a point to make it clear for each of the criminals, but for what purpose?
Overall my opinion on this chapter mirrors my opinion on the prologue, I enjoyed reading it and look forward to continuing, but you sentence and paragraph structure could us a bit of revision.

[Ryan Henderson]

Alright, I have taken note of your advise and I will do my best to implement the changes when I can. I am glad you are curious, and I am genuinely thankful for the revision suggestions that you have given to me. :D

[Ryan Henderson]

As for your questions:

As for the 'girls seem afraid of me' part, it says right after that part that he is not an honest man. He is also part of a marauding criminal group known as The Scorpions. I used his criminal afflictions to paint a picture of how intimidating that he is. You may have envisioned him as a handsome man (which he is, given the description of him) however, he is a marauding criminal, and criminals are meant to be intimidating. (I can totally see the misconception that you had here, it is not your fault, it is my fault for mis-describing Redmond)

Thank you for the suggestions, and I hope that I answered your questions as best that I could. If you have any questions, just leave them in your review and I will answer them, and then try to clear it up in the story so others do not have the same questions. Thank you so much for the awesome reviews, they help a lot!

[Xavier Lee]

I'm glad you took my review so well, I often worry that I come across as too harsh. You've answered the question about Redmond's flirting ability (or lack thereof) and it does make sense, I'm just curious as to why you felt the need to make a point of how they stand with regards to women. I'm still not clear on that. Other than that, thank you for responding to my review.

[Ryan Henderson]

Well, I included the flirt-ability of the men because this book will have a slight romance theme, but seeing as I am not a romance fan, the book will be fantasy and adventure most of the time, I just thought I'd add the little whisper of romance later on to add emotion and a spark of something new to the book.

As for your reviews, I do not see them as too harsh. You are merely stating your opinion and you are also giving me tips that will make me a better writer in the long run. Thank you for that!

All of your questions are very valid and reasonable, and I have already gone back and cleared it up so that other readers are not confused as you were. Thank you for asking those questions to erase the confusion that you had. :D

[Xavier Lee]

I couldn't be happier at your response. I was hoping for a spark of romance. Not because I like romance too much, but if you were gonna make a point about whether or not each dude could flirt, than there had better be something happening to make the information relevant.

[Ryan Henderson]

Yeah, there will definitely be flirting scenes, worry not lol

[KeithKVH]

Very cool, I love stories with a team of specialized members and good comradery between them, and them being outlaws on the run gives them something of an edgy feel. This business of what Tempest did to Redmond and his family is just crazy, a crooked situation like that is just bad to think about being in.

Macalister's height really drew my attention, I mean 6'6" wow. I mean I know I have an uncle who's 7' something, but I'm 6'3" and people go on about my height like it's something. Really good aliases for these guys all around, Troll especially. xD

As far as grammar and stuff, my eyes didn't catch a single thing. Very good work with this piece!

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you for the review! The reason I made Macalister 6'6" is because I wanted him to be an intimidating guy, seeing as he is the brawn of the team. I will review your work asap!

[Laura Lynn]

one thing is, I have never been slammed by the red ink so it made me into a sloppy unfinished writer, drawing used to be more of a thing before words, to try to attempt to be a fiction critique let me offer this conjecture.... isn't it supposed to be consistent, that was the rule, to tie in the new motifs from previous chapters??... but that's no fun, why return to the old pages, well this is not very very helpful but the scorpion logo is sort of forgotten about in the succeeding chapters, which I kind of like, scorpions can kill a person I think, when I visited in the keys someone put a scorpion in someone's swimming trunks, isn't that crazy? it was, or maybe the scorpion just crawled in there, such things were not shared openly with the children or my mother told me he put it in there as a practical joke but I didn't believe it, I didn't believe someone would do something like that on purpose

[Ryan Henderson]

Lol funny story and thank you for the review!

[Laura Lynn]

Nice, it is entertaining surprisingly after being told from the outset not to expect to feel entertained. I feel like I need a faction in my life, but it seems like girls are not as much a part of them; but I know they are, I just need to find mine. Maybe some people do not have to deal with them quite, being used for in some other way or absorbed in some other purpose, but we are automatically apart of them anyways to some degree, so I'm not sure all that was worth saying. Sounds promising!

[Ryan Henderson]

Thank you! Did you read the prologue? If not, I suggest you read it, (review it please?) it will help you understand the story. Thank you for reviewing!