Shattered

For those nights.

I feel it break with every step,

This heart of mine so wonderfully kept.

It cracked one night, broke and wept;

Went to rest but never slept.

Up all night and watched the stars;

They sailed on comets to lands so far.

Never closing either eye,

I jealousy watched them drift on bye.

It took some strength from me to part,

But at last me and my broken heart

Arose from the covers and lit a spark

Inside of me, but it flickered dark. 

And yet I remained on my feet,

Continually refusing the beat.

I looked inside and wished that I

Could light the spark which long had died.

I remembered everything I should forget.

I forgot everything I wished to recall. 

The only thing I have is my own silhouette. 

I hold on to it as I start to fall.

Looking up, I see the sun;

A long journey left not begun.

Way above me, far beyond

Any distance I can crawl.

Alone I tread this solemn road,

Hope has long abandoned me.

This path that I have often strode,

Haunts me unceasingly. 

Reviews

[Amy R]

wow,
this is an amazing piece,
really liked it and its so relate-able!
good job!

[Not here]

wow this in an oldy :) forgot i even wrote this piece haha. glad you enjoyed it though

[Amy R]

hahah, ur not easy :)
ur welcome..

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

"It broke one night, broke and wept;" I don't like the double "broke" here.

"Arose from the covers, and lit a spark" - Comma and an and??

"And yet I remained, on my feet," - No need for comma here breaks your beautiful flow.

"refusing to be beat" - The Beat or To be beaten.

"Looking up, I see the sun;
A long journey left not begun.
Way above me, far beyond
Any distance I can crawl."

- Beautiful verse so positive yet dark and totally changes the pace I love it.

Wonderfully written keep it up :)

[Not here]

Thanks ally, and i really appreciate your corrections. Ill go edit them

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Haha was that sarcastic? Sorry the comma/and thing is such a pet hate of mine it's like a crime to literature.

[Not here]

no it wasnt sarcastic. i went and tried to fix them. i try to be good at taking criticism and correcting what is critiqued. hey would you do me a favor and check out my poem, humble masterpiece? i think i might have had some literary errors so i would appreciate if you could point them out

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

yes of course it's always easier to pick out mistakes on other peoples work

[Not here]

thanks :) thats cool

[klarity]

Like the people who've reviewed this piece before me, I have to say that it's very relatable!
Although I'm just an aspiring writer and that my point of view might not seem much, I really do love your writing... Very fluid, truthful and above all well penned.
Please keep writing!

[closed]

loss is our greatest adversary
but if we can rise from it

we can become more than we ever were before

this is why we're the artists
we were chosen to rise from our grief

take what you feel and become a great writer with it



-Dream

[ashleymarie]

Wow.
This is Amazing.
I can relate so well!
Keep it up!
B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l
You're doing great!!

[Cool Girl]

You were right, this is very sad
But I love it because it reminds me of my life
Some nights I cry for myself
Others I cry for all the people I've met
To be honest, I cry every day. I'll just be doing something and next thing you know, there's a tear running down my face. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I like to cry, but who knows..

I've felt so much sadness that I just can't let it go. Instead I try to help others because I know how it feels to be sad. The feeling isn't very pleasant. So please cheer up, David! :)

[Not here]

Thanks. and Im just glad we can all relate to this

[Cool Girl]

You're welcome