Melody of the Heart

The flute recites the symphony of love.
A hidden music, a treasure of mine.
My speech becomes disordered,
Tell me how to love you.
I wait for the fountain of my beloved,

To quench the thirst of this unseen ecstasy.
How rare is the first kiss that leaves a rainbow on my smile.
Recede, all lost hope, let us speak of our souls.
Uttering the silent words, let us whisper our memories.
Reword the stars, so they may spell...I love you

Reviews

[Meghan]

I think you have a good grip on your idea here, but it gets a little muddled with the execution. You seem to address the music metaphor in the beginning of the poem, but abandon it quickly for other images. Changing this may be as easy as changing the title to include these other images. The fountain, thirst, rainbow all coincide, which I think holds the piece together and gives it strength.

I might not capitalize the, "I love you," at the end to empower the words, but make them their own line instead. This is entirely up to you, though. I've just always read all caps as very harsh and imposing.

There's some syntactical stuff I think you might want to change if it wasn't intentional. Maybe use either, "The flutes recite," or, "The flute recites," capitalize, "How rare is the first kiss..." and maybe add a comma after, "Recede," if you're addressing, "all lost hope."

Nice work altogether. I'm just very picky ;P

[R.G. Bennet]

I like the message you are trying to convey here in this poem. Very sweetly written, with the lines "How rare is the first kiss...." and "Reword the stars...". I think you may want to lowercase the words "I LOVE YOU" to keep with the elegance of the rest of the poem. You may even put quotation marks around the words as to identify them as what exactly the stars spell. Good job, thanks for writing.

[brigid]

some very nice romantic ideas here david...i like...my speech becomes disordered.....

[emrick]

Nice poem David.

[Cathy Wattam]

This is a very beautiful poem David. Very touching and I love the line "how rare is the kiss that leaves a rainbow on my smile" - gorgeous imagery.

[Le parisien]

amazing,
just amazing, both the metrics and the theme

[Siren]

Very tender and special. I thought of my own other when as i read it. i love you. :]

[Kristallo]

This is a gorgeous write! I especially liked the line, "How rare is the first kiss that leaves a rainbow on my smile." That's so clever and beautiful. 'Reword the stars so they may spell, I love you.' Flawlessly amorous, heart-bendingly sincere. This poem is as sweet and sticky as melted candy- and I loved it. Great work!

[Buniheart]

Such beautiful words, gracefully written!
Nice work!

[Steel]

Very sincere, kindhearted poem. Absolutely credible and distinguished.

Nice work...!