Salamander Pond

I watch her leap

From log to log

Sending ripples

Through the place I love

I hide under a log

Hoping she won’t come near me

Won’t come near my hole

I watch brothers and friends

Dart from her path

Watch her eyes light up at the sight

Of salamanders

Running from her towering frame

I don’t move, frozen with fear

Never have I seen one such as her

Flaming red hair flying with each leap

She stops on a log

My log

Looks down

Sees me

Crouches down, wobbles

A hand slices through the water

I can’t move

Fingers grasp my slippery body

Her brown eyes search my black ones

Her eyes widen in amazement

Mine widen in fear

She smiles a toothy grin

I don’t smile back

She holds me up for the others to see

I wiggle

Her grip tightens

Then, I’m falling

Falling

Falling

Splash!

I’m still falling

Through murky water

I hit the bottom

The mud settles around me

I look up

She looks down

Our eyes meet

She smiles

Waves

And then is leaping

From log to log

I breathe a sigh of relief

She didn’t keep me

Didn’t try to eat me

I had lost so many friends

So many brothers to

Hungry predators

There are only a few of us left

And she didn’t take me

Didn’t make our small number smaller

I watched her leave

Watched as that mop of red

Walked away

Watched my new friend go

She came back every year

Every year she jumped

From log to log

She always found me

Held me

Then left with a smile

I always watched

That red hair walk away

My friend

And I smiled

Author's Note

I wrote this for a save the frogs (or salamanders) contest. It was just what came to my mind, and from personal experience. I want you to be honest with me. Does it suck, need some major revises? Do I need to throw it out, and never reread it? Is it OK, or is it even great? I want to know! Please, give me any suggestions to make it better also.

Reviews

[Valette]

This poem certainly doesn't suck, though it could use some revision.
First off, the body of the poem is very interesting. Words and lines kind of form a type of amphibian shape. That can be played with and made more obvious: lengthen some lines in the middle and chop the ones near the end to make a thinner tail...
Second, throw out the rhyming lines. Especially the first one; it feels forced. In the first handful of lines, you use the word 'log' too much. Find another word- there's plenty!
Second, incorporate detail. instead of saying that it's hiding under a log, describe a watery grotto. The use of the red hair is nice and vivid, and I would like to see more of that kind of visual in this poem.
Excellent start!
I am looking forward to reading your revision!

[J Todd Underhill]

nice to meet someone else who is LDS on here! well written. Do you do spoken word art as well?

[Dearantlers]

Thanks! I'm not sure I know what you mean by spoken word art. Can you explain for me? Thanks again!

[J Todd Underhill]

Well check out www.worldpoetryopemic.net and listen to a show or two and let me know what you think, spoken word art is a subjective term for performing written work aloud, and giving it a voice. I host a radio show for this medium and the above mentioned site is our show website.

[Dearantlers]

I think that's pretty awesome, but it's not really my type of thing.

[.......]

Wow, very good write, no it does not suck it's rather amazing really.
love the detail you put into it.

[Dearantlers]

Thank! You just boosted my self esteem!

[LunarSong]

I love how you chose for the girl to have red hair.

[Calibaster]

very good.I like the point of view.

[Starscraper]

I like how the salamander notices her red hair and that she comes back every year. It's a great poem!!

[CHRIS ANDES]

it's naturalistic in style
and I like it
=]

[Sunflower 20]

i like the flow of this peice, it has a tone of fairytale magic and mystery which kept me reading until the last line. i think you have done a very good job here, thanks for sharing :)