Shattertrail

because you, you broke a feather
and then I broke a heart
and together we'll make memories
of things best left untouched
and ev'ry happiness imagined
will become like ancient myth:
stories we'll tell children,
good dreams that they'll sleep with

because you broke the feather
that made me break a heart
and past and present blur
so that they can't be told apart
because feathers are such fragile things
and when balanced on the edge
it only takes a sigh
to make them slip away to die
 

and you, you broke a feather
and now must pay my dues
a little thing, a simple thing
but such a precious love to lose
our paths may never cross again
but here's a warning, if they do:
leave my feathers in my palm,
and break no more hearts in two

please leave me a little sunlight
and the peacefulness of stars
leave me solace in my silence
and some joy in every hour
your trail of broken feathers
has now come to an end
no more heartstains left on sleeves
and there are no more hearts to rend

Author's Note

Comments&critique always welcome.

Reviews

[Guardian]

Ooo, I really liked this poem. It's a fantastic extended metaphor you have continuing throughout the piece adn I must say it fits perfectly. I love your descriptions and the imagery. I also love the flow of the piece. It's flawless and there's a certain rhythm to each line that I really love (you may have used a specific meter, but I didn't want to count to find out. ^_^). The only think I might say to make an improvement is to break it up into stanzas with a common theme, maybe leaving the lines about the feathers apart from the others, but that's a minor thing and I don't think it's all that neccessary. It's just an asthetic thing, but it's completely up to you. It was a nice little piece and it takes a lot to pull off a rhythm like you did amd make it seem so flawless.

[Journey]

I agree with Jean in not understanding what the metaphor is but I'll ask you alter about that...:P
Other than that, I thought it was amazing. It really did have wonderful rhthym, and it just flowed so easily. It was wonderful to read and i especially liked the lines,
"because feathers are such fragile things
and when balanced on the edge
it only takes a sigh
to make them slip away to die"

[Jean]

This was really good. :D
I love how you used the feathers metaphor.
Though these two lines sounded weird to read for me:
"leave me solace in quietness
and some joy in every hour"

I don't know if it was the syllables or what, but I think it was the word quietness. And how you had a long word at the end of a line. It just made it sound awkward. I didn't see any rhymes with that line, so maybe you could reword it?

I liked the repetition of the "Broke a feather" and "Broke a heart". It really added to the flow.

Though, I agree with Guardian, maybe split it up into stanzas? I would do it so each stanza starts with that repetition.

Also, not everyone does this, but what I like to do is at the beginning of each line make the beginning letter capital. But I'm pretty sure that's not required. Lol. :)

And as much as I loved the metaphors and such, I'm not really sure what the metaphor is for. o.o; But I guess that just gives us something to think about ey? XD

Good work! :3